I Don't Want Just Anyone's Hug.♥ 6:16 AM.
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Wednesday, July 30, 2008 at 6:16 AM
I am finally back in the blogging sorry people I know that my blog very boring always say about how sad my life is and stuff... So must be very boring... So lond never blog because have no time and got projects to do recently... I did an operation when I was young at the age of six at primary one. My parents brought me to the hospital, I could not see then and I thought I was like going some where fun... It was all a delusion in beliving that I was always cared... Never thought I was kept in the dark until the moment I stepped into the Operating Room... That place was a dread to go to... I bet no one would want to step in to the place... I still rememder making a fuss out of not wanting to do the operation... The nurse had no choice but put me to sleep the hard way... When I awoke I was already lying on the bed and was finally able to see... But still my eyes could not cope and tune in with this brightness all of a sudden... I was sent home to recuperate... I could not even move then because I still could not see as there was bandages on both my eyes... I was in bed for almost two months or so... I was always trying to please my parents when I was young... I learned how to walk at exactly my first birthday and also learned to speak more faster than other children... my dad once told me you are a independent child you should do things all yourself... Pleasing them was hard... Learning to do stuff faster thanm other people... but they were not pleased... remembered my mother saying that if only I was a boy then it would be great... So what if I am not a boy, I also have my dreams I want to fufill... I want to join the Singapore Army Force... I want to be a police... uphold justice... Do the things I want to do... Staying on the bed for about two months, My parents would think me more of a burden then joy... poor health and always unsociable... I have very limited friends since I was young because I dont dare to talk to people and like join them for recess and such things... During the two months were like living hell. I could not even sit uo straight for five minutes... That would make my parents hate me more dont you think... 14 years of not knowing the feeling of being love by your parents feels terrible... I really want to be loved and know that I am actually of some worth of my existence in the world... I dont want it to be another delusion thst I have been living in... But still being able to lie to myself that I have some worth for 14 years can be easily be a white lie... Yes a white lie... to make me feel better... Is this lie really okay? I dont know if it is but maybe it does help.... I wonder why othere people just dont want to be cared when they have such caring parents... do they really want to feel like what it is to be when you are not cared?... Really humans can really be idiots..... Akina Heike
To You I'd Be Always Faithful.♥ 6:16 AM.
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Thursday, July 3, 2008 at 3:23 AM
Have anyone ever wondered how much care and concern one person needs? How lucky is it to feel being loved. I know i always wanted more thats cause I was not cared about when i was little is it not fair? Anyway my regards and best wishes to Zi An for his upcoming performance. I am all alone again as usual, I always loved spring and would love to go to Japan to see the sakura full bloom flowers during spring... I remembered that my friend told me " Fion if you yearn so much to have parental love why not I give you my parents?" Its not that that I want only, I want to know that someone needs me. I try not to get to close to my parents because if I do and they later abandoned me again I know that I will fall very deep and may even want to do some harmful things towards myself. I choose to draw a line so when I fall this time at least I wont fall that deep into my past wounds... I don't want to go back to the dark place where I know I am all alone and no one going to help me anymore... so i draw the line and make sure I don't cross the line that i made up for myself, I always envy those who are so happy and that they did not have to go through what others had gone through... I am greedy am i not... I also find that I am taking lots of Zi An time by always wanting to talk to him and smsing, I feel so bad to... sometimes my old wound reopens and keep bleeding while I just keep the pain all to myself... I never told my doctors my past as I never wanted them to know I plan to keep it all to myself till the day I find my other half or maybe die... I always thought living in this world every second is a life-time burden to me and it is... every time I walk past somethings or places I would recall my past but i try not show it out... the place where I used to spend my childhood sad times and is East Coast Beach. Whenever I am upset try to go to east coast beach, how much I wished i stayed near there, if I did that would be the placed where I would take shelter when I am not happy... I also want to spend time with my other half there, I have so much to tell my other half when I manage to find him what I always wanted from my other half is that he has to be open-minded and also understanding because since i had such bad childhood and therefore shaped me into this kind of person so I need him to understand and comfort me when I need him too and when I am down thats why I need someone to understand me... someone who can always be there for me and care that what I need.... that is what i was owed when i was little so now am i not suppose to get back what i should got years ago?......
To You I'd Be Always Faithful.♥ 3:23 AM.
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Wednesday, July 2, 2008 at 1:45 AM
It just cant get any worse can it? I vomited in class today and all eyes was on me and two of the badminton girls had to help me to the wash room, and i had to freeze to death in the sick bay... cause my parents wanted to save time, oil and money so they decided to pick me up when they pick my sister from piano classes its just not fair i mean other parents would rush to the school to pick their children up wont they but i was almost half dead when mine pick me up i was freezing cold... the nice lady did lend me her jacket... then I was left all alone and my parents went out for lunch and so i was quite hungry bit did not bother to find what to eat and after that i slept all the way to 5. During the period I recalled and incident where I was sent to the hospital because i not sure why... then i had lot of blood transfusion the life then is a part of my memories that is restricted for anyone to know unless... its really my good friends... as i was saying... that time i never really got to see my parents visiting me its always the nurses fussing over me and my relatives usually my parents never did come through the door... because I was placed in the ward where the whole room was mine i always look among the clouds... the nurses that my parents paid to attend to me always bring me around on the wheel chair with the bag and needle still attach to me it was quite a difficulty going about sometimes i wonder why i see so many people around me laughing and I am always the odd one out. The nurses change the bag of either water or blood when needed to and sometimes i usually stare at the bag watching as the water drops slowly, as i was in the ward that only has one person I had no one to talk to. Some may think wow first class ward or something but life in there was terrible I had to stay there for almost a month and it was no difference wether I am at home or not cause i still don't get to see my parents... the only thing is that I suffer more in there because the changing and putting in of the needle in my hand was not only an ants bite but was much more... i still remember that i was being rushed in to the hospital in the ambulance and onto the bed being pushed into the lift... and I passed out later and find myself facing the nurse who ask me how I was feeling... I had felled many times and when i am always about to give up someone finally pull me up there was quite alot of times i wanted to end all the pain but always i being rescued... it seems that i am not fated to die so early yet... but why i never wanted to be here in the first place... I always thought people who are born on earth are all needed but why am i not needed and why is my life like this must as well just put a stop to all of this pain right?
To You I'd Be Always Faithful.♥ 1:45 AM.
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