Life's been really hectic... I've been working these days. I chose to earn my own share of money instead of using the one I have, I'm trying not to use any one's help. But Kim said if I needed it she'll be there. Everyone has been there. Kristel amused me by drawing Chinese lessons today. We had lot's of fun. Danna has always been my pillar that I've always been leaning. Kim with her encouragement. Everyone who's been checking on me. Thank you. The Sempai's for keeping me busy. Thank You all.

How many times have I cried over the same thing?
I'm not sure.
it's enough to eat me up,
all those times I drift to think,
People try to get me out of it.
I wondered,
How many times am I really going to continue to cry over it.
It bugs me.
Seems to me I do ever so often...
And it's all quiet,
Only my silent scream and cries in my head.

Why did I not explain to you earlier? 

Why did I keep my thoughts away from you, 

I should have told you. 

I should have. 

But I chose not to. 

And I'm regretting because I'm hurting about it. 

I'll tell you soon... 

I will... 

 

It hurts. A lot. I've known many things. All from the start. But I don't say. It hurts. I know. All the bad things that happened, I don't say, I keep it. Because I'm hurting. And it's my fault. Why. Why must things turn out this way.

Argh... I don't believe this. I'm back to restriction. I can't use my iPod and computer for now... I DON'T BELIEVE THIS... Back to the old letter writing fashion, everyone! Haha... And way this month is coming to an end already, school's reopening. I have not heard from Yayoi Sempai and Hisagi Sempai for two weeks already... And stuff... And Asaki Sempai too along with Hatori and Raiga. Haha... Along with ups and down. This whole month had a lot of happy things...

Jonny is out of Juvi Hall for a month.
Jared woke up from his one month coma.
Two of my friends are engaged.
Someone has finally found happiness.
The girls are fine over in Switzerland.
Tiffany has become more happier.
Kea and I are going on still fine and happy.
I finally found a suitable present.
And many other things...
And well yeah. Sorry if I can't come on often anymore...

I love everyone! Haha...

Je T'aime Kea.

4 more days.

... -Speechless-... You really know how to get Mitsukake Sempai angry, don't you? Hahah I don't know what to say... Really... Hahah...

Recount.
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND RAIN?!" (MS)
"HE JUST PULLED MY GIRL'S LEGS?!" (MS)
"What the hell?! I'll call him." (J)
"Is it over?!" (MS)
"I think so... He's covering both his ears" (B)
"Done." (J)
"..." (R)
-Five minutes later after Mitsukake Sempai heard something that happened earlier-
"He is a dead man!" (MS)
"But?..." (B)
"..." (R)
-END-
MS- Mitsukake Sempai
J- Jonny
B- Bobbi
R- Rainie

Walked sound Singapore today. In a dazed. Stoned a lot. Hahah. Mitsukake Sempai really knows now to read minds. He helped me say something to Bobbi to tell to Kea. Hahah... I was dazed, so well. I did not had time to react... So thanks Mitsukake Sempai! I really worry for you... Mitsukake Sempai is really scary when he gets angry. So... Hahah... I just hope Kea is fine after his bashing... I was walking around. It's been awhile since I went to the Airport... That was one of the places I went today... Caught a movie with Victoria. Before that lunch at Swensens... And yeah. Then trained... I DID NOT CAB TODAY. Victoria won't allow me... So we went on foot. Hahah. But it was alright. I needed time to clear things up in my mind. I'm taking up my friend's suggestion to clear up my mind. I figured out what to finally get for your birthday. But I thought of it myself... And ask for Mitsukake Sempai's opinion. He said it was appropriate... So. Yeah. Hahah... I forgot to bring my inhaler around with me today. Haha how forgetful! I took it out a few days ago because I needed to use it... Looks like I need to be more careful... Hahah...

I'm begging you,

I mean...

All this pressure,

I should be able to manage fine,

I give up,

Shoot me, Please.

Someone.

I can't believe I said "Okay."

I don't believe myself.

How the hell can I?!

I know,

All of us are feeling bitter,

all of us are wasting our lives.

I don't blame no one.

I as a friend should not say "Okay" to this.

Because why?

I'm wasting my life too.

But that is no valid reason to agree.

So what if the person who I would share my problems with is not there

I should stay and listen to those who need me,

I should be in more control over my emotions.

I've always have good control over my out burst.

Need to suppress it.

Someone shoot me.

Someone...

My fault,

The usual my fault.

I should not have agreed to it.

I want to run away,

how am I suppose to face her love ones.

How am I to explain.

I can't face them.

There's too much people to face,

at times like this,

how I want to cry into your chest,

so badly.

Since you're not here,

I'll just wait till the sun rises and sets,

till the Shadow eats me up whole.

My fault,

I can't face anyone.

It's not right. It's not.

It's my fault.

Someone shoot me.

I still remember. When my life used to be turned upside down. It's not what I expected it to be. Danna was there, she's always there. Now it's slowly tilting. What am I to do now, Danna? I can't do anything about something. Help me. Sigh. Things are piling up. Turn cards went the opposite way. Things are going the wrong way for my close friends too. Sigh. Schools reopening. I don't know if you will be heading back here. How I wish to celebrate your birthday with you... Everything is gonna be fine. That's what I keep telling everyone and myself. Hahah. It's not wrong telling a white lie, right? Yeah. Hm. It is. I think this will be the last time. I'm putting all my hopes for a new turn. For the better. I need to be happy. I need to. I have to. But will things change? For once? Please do. I begging for it to be like what life used to. All of us together. We used to he together. In this country called Singapore. We used to. How I wish we used to be like what we used to. Together like family.

If you really want, Big brother.
I'll ask my parents,
But I doubt it. Keep your fingers cross...
Love you.

Bits and Pieces of the Sweetest words from you,
Keep replaying in my mind,
Like a broken recorder,
How much I want to hear them once again,
In our usual and easy conversations and our time together,
I want to hear it bad.
I want you bad.
Je T'aime.

Almost lost you today. Do I always give people a wrong impression? Sigh. I'm happy with you. And I really hope you know it. And I want to be with you. I've always been happy. And I've always love you. I'm happy. I am. Sometimes, you gotta see it to believe it. If only you were here to see how happy I am being with you. And I love you.

Sorry to those people who I indirectly got you pulled down.
Kea
Kim
Yi Ting.
Sorry. I did not mean to make Jonny angry. And I'm sorry too Jonny.
(I heard he was screaming on the phone to Kea and Kim. I'm so sorry.)
Sorry Jonny.

Talk to a couple of people today. Mostly with Bobbi and Joyce. Stoned the evening becasue my MSN and iPod was being and pain in the neck. I heard that I'm appearing online even though my MSN won't work. My iPod is screwing my bee jive too, by making me sign in an out in like every one minute. Stoned some more. I hope he is having a great time over there. It's been awhile. I don't want to say much. Nothing is wrong...

I miss him.
Je T'aime.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I was pushing all your help away. I'm sorry if I phrased my words wrongly. I'm sorry. I mean it. I'm sorry Jonny. I don't know okay. I don't. It felt like another stab. Old memories, old wounds. Reopening again. Felt like another stab. Like last year. Thinking back what happened. I don't know. All the time, thinking back, got me crying. I'm glad I was alone at home. And I tried my best to be happy the past few days. Knowing that my happiness was his. Smile. Don't snap. Smile. Yeah. I will. If only I could just get out of the past, I have to be happy now. Having him, I don't have to look back, no more pain. But then it's still vivid. I'm afraid things will turn out like before. I'm so afraid. I need to clean up the mess I've made now. I should have dash for the toilet. I stayed there. Now to clean up the mess.

I need to really pay attention to my surroundings more, I don't think I will be lucky the next time. Went to the doctors today. My momma is having some operation soon. My asthma attacks are being a little too frequent... I was trying to not use my inhaler. But gave up after 5 minutes of acute pain. The days are coming a little too fast and I'm still trying to figure out stuffs.

I miss the time she was here. I miss it so badly. No one to talk to in dreadful school classes. I still remember how often she and I message during school. Her school always start later then mine. And we always message till after I ended my school. I miss it. I miss how she and I used to talk on the phone. I miss all those messages from her, I miss the way I used to tell her everything. Big or small, she would still listen. I miss the way she used to be like a big sister to me. I miss her. I miss her bad. I still remember, her trip to New York, was so dreadful without her. 4 days and my life became so dull. But now, I miss her, but she won't come back just not yet, I miss how much we used to talk, but then. I can't. I must have brought a lot of pain to her. That's why these days I don't ask about her. I don't dare to ask how is she. But I miss her. I miss my best friend. She needs time. I'll stay far away just enough to be there for her if she need me.

I miss them too. I miss those who chose to stay in Switzerland. I miss Stacy, Mikey and Cloe. More of Stacy and Mikey. Because I don't talk to Cloe much. But I miss them too.

Congrats to my other best friend in getting engaged to my senior. Last long! Engagement is no small thing! I wanna attend your wedding!!! Hahah. Sempai come back soon!!! I wanna receieve more letters from you.


Your birthday is just around the corner. And I have no idea what to do. I want you here. But I don't know how to even tell you. I think, I'll try something else. Even though I want you here bad. So badly. I love you.

Joyce and Stacy are waiting for me!!! I think I'll stop here. I love everyone I mentioned in this post. Joyce too. Hahah.

Decided to forget everything about being sad. Looking forward to the future with you and my best friends. And spending my time on more useful things like social work. Looks like I'm going back to my social work life. Going to be BUSY! Hahah social work in either the hospital or a day-care centre. Back to work! Haha. I think I'll go ask of they need help in the day-care centre near my house. Hahah.

After all these years my parents kept my Violin. They finally agreed to have me take it up again. After all these years of pleading them to let me continue playing. They finally told me where they kept it. If only I get to see and play it soon, again.

Suan Fong and Suan Huim

Suan Fong and Me! (She's my final product and I'm her final product)

Everything is shiny...

I can see my brooch... Pretty.... And Shiny...

The first photo in the toilet. (With America's next top model, Suan Fong. HAHA) FINITO!

HEAVY DRESS.

Close to dozing off...

Main Family

Adorable Aunt

Took this when I'm drunk, See I can still stand, I'm not drunk yet.

SHE'S SO PRETTY

PRETTY!!!

I just noticed... When has the ring from my third finger jump to my fourth finger?!
(No, I'm Straight, Suan Fong was the glamorous girl in the family along with my momma and the magnificent bride and I was the informal "guy" along with Suan Huim The formal guy. And the skirt-ish girl Francine with classic plain girl dressy Dana. And purplelicious ladaye Suan Wei. )

CREDITS:
Karin Danna
Bobbi
Suan Fong
Kimberly
Aunt (Suan Fong's momma).
(For the assistance in clothes, accessories and location of items.)

Violet is over again, being the usual to come over, She's sleeping now, and my head hurts. And I'm still having a temperature... The wedding was okay, but trust me... Half of the time, I was thinking about you and I won't be surprised if I mentioned you in my stupor...

And lastly, Big brother... Everything is going to be fine... But I can't do anything for you, I'm so useless... And I'm sorry...

I hate how my family plays around with me, I really do. Some other time? I spent two weeks on it. And they came to tell me, I got replaced. Because why? My papa received a call and never even ask me and just told them "no." I spent two weeks on it. With two of my tuition teachers helping me to check. Danna was one of them. They told me last minute, when I got everything prepared already. Forget it. Plus adding up to another problem. It should have been this way, right? I should have been blamed so much earlier. I should have. It's my fault. I should not have listen to them. I should not. I chose it. So it's my fault. And I want to take the blame. Because it's my fault. Time I settled down and think about the offers I can have. Maybe, it would lessen every ones pain. Like what my papa told me. Just a few days ago. Bits and parts of it. States... 16... Few years. Should I? But it's gonna hurt people. And a lot of others. My best friends, big brother. And most importantly him. I love him so very much. I really do. I remembered the last time I asked him. Suicidal was his answer. No. I'll just, stay with him, by his side. The only thing I ever wanted to do the most.

Really... Singaporeans can really go out of the hand... Having people scream at you under a block laughing away like drunkards "Chio Bu" and not understanding what it means. And having to ask Kim what it means. It's scary and crazy. And when I'm deep in my thoughts, people come stopping me in my tracks half way and so close to crashing into them. Sigh. I had a busy day today... I had no time to think. I decided to redo a speech for the wedding. and I had classes today. And I was dragged along to help my relatives with their clothes for the wedding dinner. And they did they silly stuff. My momma was screaming at me today. Just because I dressed casually to go to orchard road. I mean... I don't really care. (Jonny is going to say "Since when did you last cared Rain"). Okay. Haha. Yeah... I was talking to Shannen a lot today, She made me smile a lot... For the time... Haha... Big Brother is coming home tomorrow... Finally... I just realized that he's always there for me just that I never notice, And during his Korea trip... I realized he was always there, just that I never took to notice because I always did not want to burden anyone with my problems. Yet he's the one who has always been shouldering most of my burdens without me knowing. And the one with most patience... Like what he said he will be, the Shadow who will always protect me and support me. I love you Big Brother.

Kea, I hope your
Hangovers are not very bad.
Rest more...
One day, I'll be the one who drags you home,
When you are dead drunk and I'll take care of you.
And not other people. But me.
Je T'aime.

Ever thought how it would feel to have the world turned against you? Completely left moneyless due to extortion from my sister, I'm running out of words because everything seem crystal clear. I ran out of courage to face people. I think my momma is running out if patience. The holidays are a drag. No more thinking space. Because I'm not thinking straight. I'm running out of patience with myself. Either my tears are running out or they have dried up. I don't know. I'm running out of places to go. Because each places brings back memories. Painful ones. Orchard Road, Jurong, Suntec City, Marina Square, Bugis Junction. Some places I would do anything to avoid. I hopped on the train. Sat there. It went all the way north. Took the train that went back. Continued this for quite some time. I was sitting in the train aimlessly... I sat at the very back, or was it front? No one bothered me. Sat there and stoned there. Missed a couple of buses home. Late for a long time. Came home and stoned some more. I'm sorry. It's my fault. I should have just protested to the very end to have the blog not locked, to have you invited in it... I'm sorry. I really am. Sorry. I'm glad you are finally awake. It's good to hear. A relief to finally hear from you again. Je T'aime.

Enough of falling endlessly.
I would rather hit a solid ground.
Then fall endlessly...

You should not have drank too much. And thinking about it. All the time I've been sleeping, and you've been drinking. It hurts you know. To know that you drank a whole lot. And much more was that I only know about half the items you drank which was already a lot. It hurts to know that you were dead drunk. And till now, you have not awaken since. A total of already a day. Sigh. Don't drink too much. Please. Hearing only half the list of what you drank was already killing me. Seeing you dead drunk too. I'm sorry. Sigh. I'm glad that you only hurled once. And I don't know how bad is your hang over going to be when you wake up... I'm sorry for not being there. I still remember the last time you drank too much... Way too much... I don't want to see you hurt like that again. I don't want to see you in this state. I need to thank Jonny for bringing you home safely... And for taking care of you... Bobbi for telling you something I want to tell you, but just can't get through. And also Jonny for telling you something I want to tell you, the first thing I want you to hear when you get up. Thank you all so very much... I hope you are better when you wake up, Kea. I love you. Je T'aime.

Someone finally got a response from me. After so much of asking and things. I finally spilled. I talk things out. I don't even know if I said it in order, it I did not care. Actually it was two people. I stopped promptly when I remembered. I should not be saying this. There's always two sides of the story. The outside one, which does not make it look that bad. And the inside one that is killing the people in it. And so, I stopped halfway. Not wanting to say more. Because it's gonna hurt. Not only me but other people. It's okay. I'm fine. Have a good trip to Korea big brother. I'll cheer up, don't worry. For you and everyone. And I've been locking my door. Don't worry. I heard about what you've been doing lately, thanks to Jonny. Be careful, Kea. And have fun.

As promised. I locked my door at night. It was to make big brother feel at ease that I don't go sleep walking to somewhere dangerous. I don't want him to worry for me his whole trip in Korea. Wei Jie and Joyce will be going with him. Talked to Joyce yesterday. There was a lot of secrets passing about. Haha. While big brother wanted to murder Wei Jie. For telling me that he's a flirt. Hahah. Wei Jie smacked big brother for saying that he was not thinking about his new girlfriend. When actually he was, I think. I'm not Wei Jie, I don't know what is he thinking. Haha. Then later big brother was murdering Wei Jie by tickling him... It looks as gay as how you hear it... Haha. But both are straight. Don't worry. Wished then Bon Voyage at midnight. Locked my door. And continued talking to Jessie and Co. She surprised me by calling me if I was free. Conference with Jessie, Kim, Shaun, Roy and Jordan. And Roy, was being FREAKING MEAN. It took me five minutes to understand what he's trying to get to. He was talking about height. And he said 195cm. And then Jordan was like "Huh?" then Roy was like "Never mind. Inside joke. It's okay." then I thought out loud... "195cm... That Kea's height" then Roy bust out laughing for I finally knew what he was talking about. Kea's height and my height. Then Jessie said something that made me laugh when I told her I wanted to hit Roy so hard "Aiya. Roy so short already still want to make him shorter by hitting him." what a direct insult. I left the conversation first... Due to phone problems... Stoned all the way till 3 am. Then fell asleep... I was thinking a lot... And I wished you were here beside me... I wished everyone was back here. Won't everyone be happy if none of this happened? We could still be as close as before... When will that day come...

I'm back to square one. I'm crying a whole lot. I'm dying inside out. I'm hurting inside out. Danna is trying to get me off my problems, Yayoi Sempai promised to help me, Hisagi Sempai and Mitsukake Sempai has been telling me it's not my fault, Bobbi has been trying to make me feel better. Danna wants me to stay where I am, but I don't want to. My momma has been complaining how hard her life was after having me, more and more often, and sighing just so loud for me to hear, she wants me out as soon as possible, like I can. God, she's the one who took my money. How am I suppose to get out of here?! Danna is trying to get me on Audition. Kim helped me create my account already. Kim was patient with me crying when I went off yesterday. Victoria has been quiet lately. I'm still filled with guilt. I can't be bothered about my family anymore. The wedding is coming, I decided to throw away the speech and just say it right on the spot during the wedding dinner, my clothes are in the washing, I sleep walked yesterday night, found myself in the kitchen at 3 in the morning. (the last time I slept walk was like last year December, when I was very upset.) I've been studying lately... I want to talk to him but he's not there... He's not... It's been awhile since I last told him I loved him... I'm planning another outing with Jessie and Shawn. Another one with Victoria. And one soon with Yiru. Boy do I miss Yiru... She's having problems too... And I'm talking to her using her private blog... And, each day. Not being able to have the proper conversation we used to have, with all the jokes and laughter we used to share... It's killing me. And every time not being able to tell you I love you properly is eating me up. I want to talk to you. I want to... And I want to spend your coming birthday with you. But can I?...

I've change. I've notice. The moment I got up, I've became worse. Last night was horrible. Yeah. I'm filled with guilt. And I'm trying to think of ways, that I could get away... Far far away...

My fault for not making it clear to her that she's not the one at fault... I am... I'm sorry... I'm sorry Stacy, I'm sorry Mikey, I'm sorry Cloe, I'm sorry Yi ting, I'm sorry Kim, I'm sorry Nathan, I'm sorry Shawn, I'm sorry Kea, I'm sorry Big brother, I'm sorry Wan, I'm sorry Meow, I'm sorry Brian. Sorry. It's my fault Tiffany left. I'm sorry to everyone out there that she left because I did not make it clear to her that she's not the problem, I am. I'm sorry. I really am.

Tiffany love,
It's not your fault. It's not your fault. Go back to school. Please? I'm sorry. It's my fault. Remember you promise? Best friends forever. Listen to me, it's not your fault. It's mine. You are important to them. Go back. I'm fine. It's my fault. Not yours. Just go back. Please. You are not keeping the promise we made quite some time back. But it's okay. Just go back.

It's not my family that's eating me up,
Its not the wedding I'm hosting that is eating me up,
Its not the fact that I'm being picked on that is eating me,
Its not the problems that I'm facing that is eating me up,
Its the fact,
That I had hurt you,
the fact that I had not been able to talk to you for a very long while,
the fact that I want to hear your voice again,
the fact that I want you by my side,
the fact that I want to have more of you,
the fact that I'm afraid once would not be enough,
that is eating me up from the inside.
It feels to me that the pain of being eaten up
is more then the other pains I'm feeling.
I want you.

Big brother is leaving for Korea next week. As promised, I would have another long hard to hard talk with him, when he comes back from Korea. Yeah. I've been spacing a lot. Haha. Sigh. I asked my brother if my feelings were that important, and he said that even if it does not mean anything to me, it meant the whole world to him. Everyone is trying I make my happy. I should be. Right? I mean I have too... Because they have been trying a lot to cheer me up. I should be happy... I have to... If not it won't be fair to them... Yeah. I should.

I don't get you, you know. I really don't. I know. The main point was that you wanted me to get kicked out of the house again. I know. I'm the problem in the family, the problem in the whole household. The one that prevented it to be perfection. I know, I understand. But what I don't know is, why is it that you are trying to make my life worse then it is. You know that you are already the apple in the family, the bright star in the house hold. What more do you want? What more can you do to drive me away? You know that our parents have always taken sides, always your side. Never mine. Even though before hand they had never show me what a family truly is. Even though you already had both their attention. And you still want more? I never even ask you to take responsibility when you were the one who spilled ink inside my bag, even though my items turned out stained. I never even ask you to pay up when you were the one dropping my phone making it spoilt, and even so, I'm still using it. When you ransacked my room with your friends, I said nothing. When you messed my whole room up, I kept quiet. When you lose my things, what else is there that I can say? I get scolded for the most ridiculous reasons. Like how I got converse shoes. And you got them two days later and momma came up and blamed me for not getting in the same day with you because if she did, she could have discounts. How do I know that there will be a discount? And even so, momma won't get me the shoes. Getting blamed for not taking care of you when I was actually being held up by you, because you were afraid of being alone, and I had to watch you the whole night. You smack the new book you just got right in front of my face, what do you expect me to react? I kept quiet. You got another phone again today. What can I say? It's your third one. Even though mine is spoilt thanks to you, I never said a word. You have everything you want. What can I do? Nothing. You've been calling me ugly since you knew what the word meant. You've been laughing at my health condition, just so you are healthy. You've been pushing every blame on me, ever since you knew how to. You've been wanting to have more, when you knew you always had what you want and I have none. You've been trying to drive me away, but don't worry. I will go myself, when the chance comes. Just so to stay out of your life, just so that I would no more be the problem in the family, just so to make the household perfect. Because it's the only thing I can do.

On a slight note.
You said you only just want one,
Ever thought I want more?
Because I do.
And I want you.

Jonny, you said all problems come to an end, right? What if. It does not? What will you do?

Give up on me. I'm starting to really badly want to just let everything go by. Leave me here. I'll be okay. When it hurts so bad. I wondered why I did not lose today's match. And I still got it going. Because if I lost. Then there would be punishments. Then I would be punished. Would it be any more ideal then that? And yet being whacked by a racket, also another punishment. Swollen again. Where's it. It's time I fell and hit a solid ground. And not fall endlessly.

World's Biggest Idiot Found In Singapore.

I let him slipped through my petite hands again... It feels like being stab like always. I don't know. Must have hurt him, by a lot. I'm so sorry... Sigh... Jonny talked to me after he left... Actually he was the one who got Kea to talk to me... And it did not last for 5 minutes and he got out by the window of the house, I am an idiot. I don't know. My brain ain't working. Sigh... Sorry. I've joined blogs with Violet recently. And I was honoured. Haha. That's all.

Sorry. I'm so Sorry.
It meant a lot.
When you told me.
"Happy 2nd Month Darling"
You will always be wanted by me.

"Hey, I found the answer."
"What is it?"
"My feelings. I'm dying inside out."

Hurts so bad. And I'm not talking it out to anyone. I will not talk it out. I won't and I will not. Sometimes, the option of giving up is so tempting. I'm just so tired already. Why. I ask. Stupid question. No ones telling me anything. Neither am I. Vice versa. And there's another thought that tells me, hang in there. It's just one and a half more years to go. Yeah. And at the corner of my room lies something I have not been using for quite some time. It's starting to become confusion again. Mm... Nothing much to blog... I don't feel like blogging... My mind is blank again. Aha...

Sometimes I feel like I should run away
again.
Or I just disappear...

"How do you feel?"
"I don't know big brother, I don't..."

Kinda saddening when you don't have any idea how to answer a question your brother is asking you. Especially when he's one of the two, who actually has hard to hard talks with you. Yeah. And then what you say speaks the truth. Because you have no idea what you are feeling now. Grown more quieter, and you just can't bother about your feelings. Because they were never important in the first place. Korean drama must be more important then me, eh? Hahahas. I guess. Parents were screaming at me yesterday. Haha. More of my momma, my papa was okay with it. Because I spent quite a sum of money. Well, I'm sorry. Haha. But the clothes I got were awesome. Haha. Yeah. I'm locking myself indoors these days. I even wanted to throw all my devices out. Haha!!! Could not be bothered anymore. Kim thinks that it's not that simple. She keeps telling me, that what ever we do always has a reason. Haha. A friend thinks I'm smiling for the sake of others. And a family friend thinks that I need some time off. Haha. People! I'm fine! God. And I am made to drink some thing, clear away all the dead blood cells. It's gotta hurt. Haha. Big brother told me that one day, when he becomes independent. He will get me out of the family which I'm currently living under the same roof with. The only person who showered me with lots and lots of family love. And I trust him. I'll be waiting. Haha. Currently dying if boredom. I'm food less again. Haha. Thank god I ate this afternoon, due to Kim, who forced me to eat. And I'm currently very grateful for that. There were lots of conflicts today. I'm fine, don't worry. Haha. Hey... I still have one macaroon from yesterday! Haha. I can eat that. Haha. I've realized that I had not been taking photos of myself recently, no? Don't worry. I will, soon. Maybe at Kim's party, and definately at the wedding. And I wish you a safe flight back, Kea. Je T'aime.

We shall end this,
at where it started in the first place,
End it where it all started out.

I'm up early eh? Haha I can't sleep, and well I slept at one in the morning woke up 5 in the morning. I can't sleep. Yeah. I shall blog later on, after my shopping trip. My cousin will he over later to swim. Plus I'm going out. So I won't give her any Chiniese homework. Due to the fact it's the school holiday and the exams is just over. Even though its the seventh of June now, my blog still states the sixth of June. Haha, so I'll blog later about my day. I've got nothing better to do... I shall stone in the dark. See the sunrise. Then go to bed.

If only...
you were here with me.
I've been losing lots of iron these days,
yet I allow myself to let it flow.

I've been chosen to be the Emcee of my uncles wedding... And well... Yeah... They will be getting a guy to pair up with me... I'll be saying the English version. And I heard... They will be pairing me up, with someone twice my age... Yeah... I'll be going for shopping tomorrow, yeah. For the wedding. Everyone is getting two sets, but I'm getting one set of clothes only. My phone has been getting from bad to worse... It kept shutting itself off for like 15 times today and it's been lagging a lot. Everyone is getting ready for the wedding. I need to get the speech ready... It's okay. I'll just be the scape goat again. I guess, I'll find a way to get you out. And well, we will see how this turns out, court case or not... I'm missing out the ring and brooch for accessories for the wedding. Seems to me that my grandmothers condition is not really stable. My god mothers back, ain't that well. Yeah. I've always look forward to the first week of the month. The seventh day of the start of the month, some how. Today, I was deep in my thoughts. And I heard this voice, it's not going to change a thing. Don't think about things that are quite impossible. Yeah. It's been a lot quieter already. And I don't know what to expect for tomorrow. Don't even know what will happen, will I be online tomorrow? I'm not sure. I'm not sure, even if he will be online tomorrow. To get through half the day, I will be going to jurong point. It's far away. But it will get me through half the day... I'll see... Sigh. Pairing up with someone twice my age. Hm... Yeah. I don't know what to expect anymore... I don't ask much. Do I? All I ever wanted... It's just a basic want.

It seems to be snowing...
Everywhere I go now, seems to be raining.
Every thing I touch, seems to have made a cut,
every moment some one looks at me
seem to read my thoughts.
The train station is bright
But a cloud hangs over the vast sky,
the songs being played on an instrument
by someone for me
seems like being stab in the heart.
Every text messages from others
leave me to lose hope.
Every thing I do, seems to be related to you,
every sentence I say, draws me to think of you.
Even now, I'm thinking, what are you doing.
The snow that falls, melts before it touches the ground.
The rain I walk through,
Always have some other person to shelter me using an umbrella,
the cuts I get, heals, but leaves a mark.
The people who looks at me, always tells me that it's okay,
the train station that shines, always has a dark corner.
The cloud that hangs over the sky,
was always blown away by some other person.
The music I hear, don't mean a word when
Its not being played by you.
The text messages read by me all were people checking on me.
The things I do, has it's purpose.
It was to draw me closer to you.
The sentences I say
were meant for you.
The thoughts that I think
was for you to know.
That you are something, and you are worth something.
And you always will be.

It's saddening to see rain drops fall from everywhere. And when I reach out for you but you're not there, so I stood waiting in the dark even though I know you won't come back, and looking at an empty photo frame that used to be a picture of you in it, every night, with your picture in my head. Telling me a story of a broken heart. So please, stay with me, hold me close. Because I can't be without you and I don't want to know what it's like without you. Because I've already built my world around you. I'm trying and hoping for the day, when one touch is enough, to take the pain away. Because I searched for so long, the answer was clear. And no you and I is like no stars to light the sky above. You've been telling me so many times, how much you love me. I trust you. It's okay that you have not been proving or showing. I know that you mean what you say...

Lots of thanks for those who have been spending their time with me. Credits go to Victoria, Shannen, Danna and Kim. Your wonderful letters which really cheered me up, Yayoi Sempai, Hisagi Sempai and Mitsukake Sempai. Yeah...

Why is it, that every time I'm alone
I start to think of you.
And when ever I think of you,
There is always a bitter sweet feeling
it's rare to see you smile...
You always have that serious face or that childish face of yours
in every single photo of you,
and maybe once in awhile
That perfect playful smile plays on your lips
My favorite smile that I love to see from you.
Every time, I see happy faces
I start to wonder, what makes them happy,
words from others, isn't as important as yours
some how, every time I need you.
You seem out of my reach,
and when I fall back, it's always another person there,
and when I'm breaking, it's you I see but others with me.
Why is it, that I hear the songs
that others play, when I would only want
You to be the one, that plays for me.
I can just imagine you.
Strumming your guitar, singing the songs you love,
or drumming on the drums, to the songs
you took so long to learn.
I can just imagine you,
sitting on the desk,
doing the maths you enjoy the most
and as I slowly fall asleep watching you do it.
That smile I would have seen,
if I have not fell asleep.
Why am I the one who others would think about first
When something happened to them?
I'm not important to them. I think.
So why am I always the one being thought about?
They tell me things,
Tried to call me.
but, it seldom get through.
but they have been so... Understanding...
they never did mind.
But then again.
I never once,
thought about someone else
as much as I think of you.
I never doubted you.
When you told me how much you love me, or Je' taime.
Because, I love you as to so
I Trust You.

Everything seems so right, when I'm with you
Yet, sometimes it feels wrong. Somehow.
But everything goes wrong when I'm not with you.
And here I am.
Watching everything go wrong.
Holding on to things,
memories and stuff
keeping myself busy.
Living in Denial...
Save me... Please.

"When will it be your turn?"
"For?"
"When I can see you truly smile again..." and I replied to my friend. Not at the moment.

Denial. It's saddening to feel like just letting everything go by and giving up. Not being able to pay attention to your surroundings at all. Or what so ever the lecturer is trying to teach. The laughter you here in the school corridors seem so. Perfect. Yet, you just feel alone. Even with friends around you, you feel like being left alone. Because, you know somethings wrong. Yet, you don't want to know. It's quite saddening to only remember your sadness only when seeing your friends sad. Because you know that you have been pushing everything that is troubling you at the back of your mind. Friends are more important. It's always been that way for you. And you don't want to feel the sadness. So you leave yourself dangling and save your friend. And yet you try your best to hide all the sadness, when you know others will ask "are you okay?" and then you lie, saying you are. And being ask by your brother "what are your feelings?" and you tell him that you don't know. Because frankly speaking, you don't know the answer. It's saddening, when you just think about it. Regretting many things. Even sadder when some one ask you "Whats wrong?" and you tell them, everything is. And the person ask you what? And you slowly tell her, being very careful not to mention that very name that just hurts to hear. Being very careful to mention everyone's name and problems, and not that particular name and your own problems. Even when she prompts, you sway the subject. And later when she's distracted, start hurting all over again. And when they all gone. You silently cry. It hurts, so badly. Like holding a rose, with lots of thorns, yet you don't want to let go of that rose... Neither do you want the rose to ever leave you... The greatest present would be the rose itself...

I'm starting to take action. I should have earlier. It would save her the pain. Don't you think? She's hurting a lot. I'm sorry, I'll start now.

4 more day's.
Time passes so slowly,
Don't you think?

Happy Birthday To

Kim!

Happy Birthday To

Jonny!

I'm so afraid... I am... Five minutes I stepped in to my room... I dash to the toilet, the sink was in a mess... I threw myself in the shower... It was so messy... I'm so scared... I cried... I hid at one corner... What if... Your life was a time bomb... What will you do? I'm so afraid... Why can't I get used to it? It's been happening since I was a kid. I should get use to it, right? But why am I still so afraid... And sometimes I ask. Why me. And then the coughing comes... Yeah... Yeah... A friend told me. Hey, you are gonna be fine. It's okay... I hope so... I still have great ambitions... I'll stop here. Everything is going wrong, and it's unusually quiet. Why is that so? I'm getting so lost again, running away won't help. I just know it, because if it did. I would have gotten myself all the way at the other end of the world already. But I won't, not for the time being.

I'll hide it, somehow.
I love you Kea.

Funny Truths

School Mates: Is this Kea guy real? Rain's Boyfriend.
Karin Danna: If he is or he's not, you don't have to know. Because you guys will never get to talk to him. So it's none of your business. Right?
School Mates: -silence-
Karin Danna: Guess so. *walks away*

Uncle Tommy always has his way to cheer me up. For those who don't know him, he's our family's optician and family friend. I was getting my stuff made there today, and so is aunt Lynn and her newly we'd husband who I forgot his name... All of them are optician's haha. Uncle Tiger Woods (Initials are T.W. Therefore I pet named him) ain't there today. Spent quite a bomb there today. And uncle Tommy was telling me about fishing and later coffee, and he was saying if I spent about $220 plus I could get free Starbucks coffee, the wild berry one. And I needed to spent like $62 more dollars. But then took a receipt and just scribbled down I spent $220. So therefore free coffee. And it was really nice!!! I'm in coffee heaven... Haha!!! My wallet is in school, so therefore I can't spent money. Because all my money is in school and it's on my wallet. School decided to keep our wallets thats why. Nothing much. One more day, six more days, eighteen more days, and one month one day.

Designer: ForThe!Wonder
Tabling Codes: darkdegree
Icons: In-Lockdown & Sealedcards
Font: Tall Films
Stripe Pattern: Mintyferret
Inspiration: Love-notes.org