THE PARTY WAS A HUGE SUCCESS


The party was today!!! And it went pretty well... Actually not really... Danna (Sheri) got the sempai's drunk... So they never came... Tiffany and Stacy had classes... Big brother was having training so yup... Nicole Anne was called back... KIMBERLY... Was not able to join us... Danna bought sake and Sapporo for the Sempai's yesterday... They got high and went overboard... Raphael and Gemini shared presents, Me and Big brother shared presents too... BOBBI sprained her leg x.x ... So... It was Danna and me, took a cab to east point then found Wan... Went into Eatiz Restraurant... (I was on the phone with a girl named ashley who had big brother's phone... Wan started to follow me around, Danna laugh, got hang down by that girl... went into the restaurant) Then all of a sudden all of us were receiving calls here and there... Played pass the parcel with passing phones... I'm sorry you got grounded Mitsukake Sempai... All then everyone was calling and on the phone... I'm so sorry I got you and Stacy in detention... I'm so sorry... Tiffany I'm really sorry... Talk to Tiffany on the phone... Big brother's phone was answered by some random girl... So yep... Danna, Wan, Jean, Ryan, Kim Koh, Deborah, Yi Ting, Meow Ping and me were there... Had so much fun... But not as fun if everyone could turn up... Let's do it on another's friends birthday!  Then took a cab back with Danna, Ryan and Yiting to bedok... Went with Yiting to find Kimberly... Gave her cake... Talk...  And spend the day till 7 there... Going to call Tiffany at night... I wonder how I'm gonna keep this from him for 6weeks... It was only six days and when I finally went to the doctor's... They said... Six weeks time...

It's going to be so perfect

I won't keep my eyes of you"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANNA!!! (SHERI)
I want to thank you for this few years (I think so...)
For your help and encouragement
The great times we spend
For helping me alot this year
For helping me overcome some obstacle's
For your advice
For those scoldings
For breaking a lot of Firewalls...
For being more or less a guardian to me
For being able to be patient with me
And the list goes on and on...

I really want to Thank you alot...

I'm sorry I'm sorry... I wasn't really looking at where I was heading Yayoi Sempai... I was late so I rushed out of the car... And I even forgot whats the other leader's name... Start's with a G or is it a J?... I'm sorry I'm sorry Yayoi Sempai... Hello Hisagi Sempai... I'll come online soon I promise... I'm sorry for not coming online... There's a Birthday Party for Danna on Tuesday... No point hiding cause she found out by accident... YEAP... I asked Danna to ask You and Yayoi Sempai, Mitsukake Sempai, Raiga, Hatori and BOBBI... Somehow... I'm gonna get my hands on some wine... Though it would be impossible... Will relink you soon Danna... Hello annisa... TWO MORE DAY'S... Thank you all for tagging!!!

COUNTING DOWN TO 4 MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't wait... I CAN'T WAIT... Everything is going very SMOOTHLY... very SMOOTHLY... Need to get DECORATIONS... And those who receive messages from me or about this related thing... Bring CAMERAS... Balloons... Poppers or anything!!!!! I really hope we are able to pull this through... Now I just have to work out how to get it in order and plan... WE ARE HALF WAY DONE!!! I'm so happy... Yes I'll come online soon! I miss you all... And Bobbi with her MORINGA and STRAWBERRIES.... 

Thanks for your tags Mitsukake Sempai and BOBBI.... Hehe... I admit... Yes I'm a KLUTZ... I'm sorry... I fell and well my hand kinda crack and well it was bleeding... I was rushing to school and fell... Now it's in crepe cotton wrap... I have to change it myself because my papa and mama were busy? I just realize we don't have any gauze at home... I had t get all the plasters and necessary things in a convenient store... Reused the gauze that another leader help me wrap... Cherly... I know it's kinda wrong... But there was no gauze at that store... Danna was like "what happened to your hand?!"... I explained to her and she was like... "You are brilliant good job good job"... Sorry... I never meant to... But I'm looking forward to SOMETHING... AHAHAH so happy... Gonna get a cake tomorrow I think... I can't wait... heheh...I'm sorry Mitsukake Sempai, Yayoi Sempai and Hisagi Sempai, Bobbi, And others for not coming online... Well Danna told me you were all getting bored... Don't worry I will try my best to come on soon I'm sorry... Mr Poh was giving me that kind of look like he is saying "you are such a klutz" and -shakes head- when I told him I can't come for training... I'm looking forward to sneaking in to SAS... Tiffany, Stacy and Cloe would be there to help me sneak in... Thanks Tiffany for asking if I was okay... TAG more!!! My hand is starting to hurt... I'll stop here... Hehe it's funny how you always provide strawberries for Bobbi, Mitsukake Sempai... Hehe Bobbi you won't be spoiled... You would be the most unspoiled strawberry eater... Hehe let's have a strawberry party someday!

The whole lyrics in my head

Why? I'm not sure but everytime I hear it

I start having the same falling feeling again

And I start hurting especially my breathing gets alittle unstable
and I ask why?"

I love you all for tagging my blog!!! Especially Bobbi and Jeanny who just came back... Raiga, Sempai's erm... A WHOLE LOT OF OTHERS TAG MORE!!!... Bobbi I know you won't be spoiled cause Mitsukake Sempai is already using magic to get you Strawberries... If ony it rained strawberries then you can have as much as you want for FREE... Jeanny Welcome back... Yup... Thanks for the really cute charm/keychain that you got for me from Australia... Start of a new term... BOBBI, MITSUKAKE SEMPAI... and the two other Sempai's and well other's like Raphael and the rest... I CAN'T COME ONLINE AS OFTEN... I'm so sorry... Mama kept my device... That's it I'm gonna find it and keep it... I can't believe she did that... And it's not even like it's her thing... Getting more unreasonable... And of course spoiling my little sister even more... Papa also spoils her... I can only blog using papa's computer... I think... I'm so sorry... There is afterall... The phone... So yup... Piling more home work I see... I don't have a brain like Raphael... I wonder how he score's all his sujects... It's so perfectly beautiful his report cards... And able to score all A's when taking !4 subjects... Without even studying... Is just amazing... I need help... For my subjects... I'm such a slow learner... Sad... Ah well... Flood my blog with tags and so I can reply... Lucky to have my friends there...

Raiga... Finally you came to say "Hey" to me... I told you things I really wanted to tell you this few days... Well you did not want to talk to me when you called... Yup... But I'm happy to finally hear from you... You must have been feeling really bad this past few days... Having to worry about me... Your past few days must not have been very pleasent... I'm sorry... I'm okay really... Yup... And I asked you if you remembered our first conversation... Heh... From rivals to good friends... That get along well... We said it would be fair... That may the best person win (note I'm not using men...) I'm glad you still remember... Yup... And so you won... I'm okay with it... Really... It's fair... So don't feel bad... I'm not planning on losing a friend like you... The thought never crossed my mind... Really... Won't be fair to you if I hated you or end our friendship... And it really never crossed my mind... Though I know it won't be fair to you but I still have not forgotten about him... I'm so sorry... Really sorry... Nope i'm not gonna scold or scream at you... I would never do that... Though you said it would make you feel better... Nope... Hehe... Smile more Raiga... I'm okay really... Smmiiilllleeeee!!!!... Smile more... Don't worry too much of me... I'm still sorry for having you feeling bad... Hehe... You ought to have fun when you go out... Don't worry...

WELCOME BACK YAYOI AND HISAGI SEMPAI!!!!
welcome back sempai's!!! Heard you both had fun... In Japan... And of course a few... Hehe... And that ahahha... Okay this is so funny I can't say... Hehehe... The both of you called Danna on Friday from JAPAN... We kept so quiet to hear.. (Deborah was litsening to music cause she claims that she don't want her ear to be polluted) ahahah... So many laughter and stuff... Mitsukake Sempai has been talking to me and bobbi too!!! Heheh Mitsukake Sempai spoils Bobbi with her favrouite STRAWBERRIES!!! Hehe... Shall blog about my days later

I really have to thank alot of people... Let's see... Erm... Bobbi, thanks for checking on me this few days... I love you... As a good friend... *hugs*... Erm... Mitsukake sempai, for talking badminton? To get me distracted and starting a conversation... Your spacing out makes it even better when Bobbi has to get you out of spacing... Let's play badminton together soon... Erm... Tiffany, thanks for reminding me that you and Stacy are around when I'm trailing off into my own world... For making so much humour in yesterday's conversation... I wish you GOOD LUCK for your dance competition and I hope you and your team make it through... Erm... Stacy, for reminding me that you and Tiffany are around when I'm trailing off into my own world... For making so much humour in yesterdays conversation... No don't worry you are not rough as what big brother has said... I look forward for you and Tiffany to wage war with big brother... Do your worst?... And strawberry conditioner is nice... Don't worry... Ants won't get attracted to them... Boys will... Maybe it attracts that monkey brother of mine... But he does not admit it... Erm... Jessie and Shaun for the jokes and fun time we spend... Erm... Gemini, for all your out burst of laughter yesterday... Erm... Raiga, are you alright? Is your wound okay? I heard that you were involved in a fight? How are you?... Got to thank Mitsukake sempai and Bobbi for helping you out in the fight... And Bobbi for helping you bandage your wound... Erm... Kenny for reliving out dormant friendship... And those private messages?... Erm... Danna for everything... Thank you... Trying to find a way to bake milk and cookies Hershey cakes... Doubt it will be edible... But worth the try... Erm... Big brother... Yup... Sorry for leaving so suddenly yesterday... Don't think too much about it... It's normal the way people want things... Being the person who glues the family together is really well... Respectable... But I worry that one day you would snap... Being able to smile and being positive even though life at home would always be not the way you want it to be... Wanting more may not be a bad thing at all... After all the desire you want appeals to all children who wants the same thing from their parents... It's basic needs... Trying to put a stop to a fight is desire that maybe you could move them so you can have the perfect picture of a family that is in your head... But I won't run away won't I so you still have me as your little sister... (being very cheeky now) yup... Don't forget you always have me, Tiffany, Stacy and all your good friends with you... Shall we bring your mother out soon?... So as to keep her distracted... And to keep you distracted too... Don't worry to much... I'm sure everything will be fine big brother... It's going to be alright big brother...

Just came back from Safra... I played there... Badminton... It was my God Ma's Birthday... and I got to meet old friends like Zi Qian... The younger of the twin... I heard his older brother Zi Chen has stop playing... My youngest God Brother Siang Shen and our quiet friend Cheung Rei... We have been learning together since young... I was the oldest... I learned at 8 they learn at 7... Benidict was not there... Plus this Guy I don't know... And well of course adults... The whole courts there was used up by us... Played four matches at a go... But before that warm up... With the father of Singapore's top second Badminton player... That's the guy I don't know... But I heard he's in singapore's team... Yup... Aunt Lee said I was quite a good player... And I thought... "If I was good then won't our school team be fabulous?" x.x... After that I trained with that uncle... All high balls... Tomorrow... I don't think I can move my hand... We were having this like small match for high balls... And I kept hitting the ball behind my head not in front so it uses lots of energy... yup... I heard Mitsukake Sempai plays for his school too!!! Maybe one day we cam play badminton together... But I'm not really that good... We can ask Danna along too... She's quite good... After that cut the cake... Eat cake... Then Later I'm going out... Yup... waste my day away...

No one is to be blamed... Really... It's certainly not Danna's fault... Certainly not your fault... Certainly not Bobbi's not Mitsukake Sempai's... Certainly not Raiga's not Tiffany's not Gemini's... Certainly not Yayoi Sempai's or Hisagi Sempai's... Certainly not anyone's fault... But to make it crystal clear... It's my fault... I shall go through this myself again... This time... I want to do it myself but I guess it's a fail... So if I cry... Don't mind me... I just need some time... It's mine to blame... Carry on with your things... Yup... Afterall I did went through this before have I not? I just want some time alone... Yup... So the key... To find me would be Danna, Gemini or Tiffany... Yup... Congrats anyway... You have my blessings... Both of you...

Lately... I've been getting a strange feeling... I don't know... Maybe it's coming from you... Yeah I think it's coming from you... Eating used to be something most people would find meaning in life... Sadly I never once considered eating to be important... And so would skip the meals... Even so I'm losing my appetite... I would eat alittle but now I lose my appetite easily... And won't feel like eating at all... Even though I ate little for breakfast and nothing for lunch... And when the sun finally sets I still would not have the appetite to eat... Okay everything seems to pass by very quickly... My hands feel numb... Want to know why?.... I just did something I was suppose to do 3 months back... I finally did it... And went offline... I was too afraid to get an answer... Like last time... The past haunts me... Now the present and past wont leave me alone... Why won't it leave me alone?! I can't take this anymore... I can't... Seeing people happy... Makes it feel so unfair... I really can't take it... I'm a disappointment am I not?.... I always were.... I'm sorry... I'm really sorry... Just as I thought I could put the past down... I'm losing again... To another thing that I'm running away... Someone please... Help me... I want to go back... To where I was suppose to be... Back alongside with familiar faces... No more of this... To where I belong... And where ever I go I would be happy... Swimming now would seem a good... A 8pm swim at night... Where I can hide from everything.... And my parents... All at once... Breaking... They are going over board now... And I just sit there... And think... "Go on... Tell me off... Scold me... Do that... I won't do a thing... Scold me all you want"

Time passes so fast and now it's already White Day (Now is March 14)... Happy White Day to all... It's already one month after Valentine's... I'm suppose to he in a tournament in UWC in Dover... But I kinda rejected the invitation... Sorry... But yeah it was the same tournament that I had in valentine's day... Though I know that it would be a great way to pass the day even faster and keep my mind on only badminton... I chose to stay at home... Well I might be loitering around later somewhere... I don't know... I have no plans for today... Actually I had but well I guess it's okay after all Tiffany's dance competition is way more important... So we can always delay the outing... And well since I cancelled all my plans I shall just wait and see on what to do... I have lessons later... So I'll have to see what to do after lessons... Today's weather is sunny... Really bright... And the weather is warm... But not that bad... Because by the time I step out it would be late afternoon... Ah well... I hope our team wins in the tournament... I kinda regret/feel guilty about not going... On Thursday we went running... I ran one round more because I decided to run with the juniors who started at the other end of the school... I watch a few of my juniors cheated with out saying anything... And did not join them when they ask me to cheat with them... I was relief that we did not have to run the whole school (including the primary side) that run was the longest and the easiest to cheat... X.x ... From the cafe to the drama room and then cut through to the primary school run by the primary school basket ball court and to the track to the front of the school and run by our basket ball court to the back of our canteen and on the platform to the cafe is one round... Heh... Ah well shall go by my day without any plans... And one more month to Black Day... This is really really dreadful... And it sounds very weird wishing people Happy Black Day... On April 14... It feels... I don't know...

... Aimless again.. Once again I'm walking aimlessly... I'm walking alone again... Walking again aimlessly... Heh... And so... I'm trashed again am I not?... Dropped... Like a soft toy... ... Giving up slowly... The grip slowly loosens... I'm giving up slowly... Try throwing a doll on the floor... Hits the ground and crash... No point of living... Nothing to look forward... I know... There's no point... As long as I'm angry at myself it's not going to change a thing... Not a single thing... Being trashed not doing a single thing... Just like falling and not even bothering to catch hold of something to ease your fall... Just wanting to get the full impact... And so... Life is lifeless now... In a few more days I'm gonna get trashed again because I can't do a thing... And it's gonna leave another mark again... And I cant do anything... Blending in with others... Trying to seem normal... But I know I can't... Though I hated crowded places... I'm gonna blend in... Slowly all this doubt and insecurity would rise... Guilt too...And so after yesterday... when it struck 11:30 p.m. I slowly release my jaw... and soon after fell asleep because of what I did today and was doing earlier... And so I woke up late today... I was late for school... Realised that there was no training today... Placed my racket in that zoo cage... made sure the lock was lock properly... Because I would be held responsible if any rackets or badminton equipment go missing... Have training tomorrow at 9 in the morning... Counting down with a chopper to finally tire myself out and fall to deep sleep so I would not think or anything tomorrow night... And so it's been already more then 2 months... And I have to react fast... I don't want what Danna has been trying to do to help me to go down the drain... This world is hell... Recently I was ask about my childhood... I'm sorry... I don't have one... I'm sorry... And I know I should have Blogged about this earlier and ask some people stuff but I'm sorry... There's quite alot happening... Was sent to Mrs Koh today... Ah... And got back those murderous slips of paper... I looked at it and just chucked it away... Mrs Koh saw it and said "Hey look your science is not bad..." I did not bother the first thing i saw was those murderous marks that I did not even saw my combine science marks... When she told me how much I scored I was thinking... "Are you sure?"... I'm sorry I only looked at those murderous marks... I did badly... ... Ah... Okay now... Big Brother... Thank you for your Valentine's Day present... It was very nice... I gave yours late too so I'm sorry... It's very nice... Shiny too... It must have cost you alot x.x... But Yes I really liked it... I don't mind what you get for me and will still like it... And you letter... Its nice... Thank you very much... It's really nice... Don't worry about your hand writing its fine... And I'm happy you liked the monkey... Will reply to your letter... Yup... Thanks again big brother...

... I'm tired... I went to town with Victoria today... Well we got lost and well walked around had loads of fun with her randomness and our stupidity... Hehe!!!! We were asking tourist for directions... Can't blame me!!! I don't go around often and her too... So we had fun... Visited some Singapore attractions and stuff... Well we were heading somewhere at first but decided to have fun while heading there... Got lost alot of times ask loads of directions... My wound/scar was swelling and tearing... I went in the sun for too too long... Got burnt... I think I grew more tanned... NOOOO!!!! I don't want to!!!!... I did not bother to take my medicine for my back but still had fun even though it was not accomplished... Don't worry about my wound... Though it's burnt... I think it would be okay... Tomorrow is Wednesday that means school starts late... If I go to bed early by tomorrow morning it should have an layer over... But I have training tomorrow so it would mean that it would open again... And I look in the mirror... It's getting from bad to worse... It's really really big... Kinda scary... If only there was not one... Ah... My fault for staying to long in the sun... Not much people know about my wound but I hate it when they know... It freaks them out and if that are girls they would most probably scream/shriek... Guys... Maybe it will scare them away... Ah... I'm sorry... It's my fault you got hurt... I'm sorry Danna... Thank you... You know I've always wanted to ask if you could bring me along on your next meeting... But I don't want to see how you get hurt... By I know that no way would you bring me along... I'm sorry...

Look... This is my perception of life... Of life in love matters... It's like a cycle that goes around and around and around... A guy likes this girl that girl likes another guy and that guy likes another girl and goes around... Or... This guy or this girl breaks the heart of the person who likes them... Stupid... The world is stupid... Yes it is... Really stupid... Rarely both parties would like each other... Even if they do and they hide it it's pointless... Some might even lead to the girl liking two guys... And it hurts looking at either one turning their back and walking away leading the girl having to look at their back... Worst still cheating on someone... That is really really hateful... You hurt someone and you walk away without any pain leaving the person in pain having to heal his or her wounds... That is really unfair... If you want you always could have a clean break... Not using someone to help you break up with that person... Not taking one step on two boats or three or more... That is really low... At least you could tell the person... "Hey we can still be friends" and when you say that make sure you mean it or there has no meaning to it anymore... Help the person stand up not leave him or her on the ground... And well one step at a time and both could look or talk to each other on par... No need to be afraid or stuff... I'm alone at home again... They left me while I was sleeping... I was sick... So I took the medicine and fell asleep and when I woke up it was unusually quiet... And I knew... They left... Not a note or post-it... I would really appreciate that... Like "Take out the trash when you are awake" or something... Or anything... But like always... There is nothing... What's the point of looking for it even though they won't do something like that... Simple pointless to them... Yup...

It's raining while I'm blogging... I wanted to step out into the rain... But I can't... I have some stuff holding me back... Because I know if I do wrap out... I would try all means to do something.... It's raining heavily... I want to go swimming... A sudden urge... It's so heavy that I can see the wind... If not for the *pitted patter* I would mistaken it for a thick fog... I can't see beyond the trees... I only can see the compound of my condominium... Nothing beyond that... It's dark... I'm alone... The once clear sky has gone... As much as I try I fail... I began thinking where are you? Are you caught in the rain? Are you going to catch a cold? Are you safe inside your room? Is it too cold for you? And yeah it's dark... I'm alone... I need you... But you are too far away... She's right... The teacher is right... I'm afraid... I'm afraid to ask for things because I think I am unworthy of it... She got it right... I'm afraid... To ask things from you... Yes because I am down with all this like asthma and this thing... I dare not ask... That's why I never expected much from anyone... It's dark... It's raining... I hope you are fine... When the teacher ask me... "You are afraid of asking because you think you are unworthy right?"... I looked down in silence... And I broke... You are on my mind yes you are... But I don't know... I avoid it because I'm just so afraid... Just so afraid... That you would leave... Just like that... I don't want to see got back facing me walking away when I can't do anything... And your back slowly gradually growing smaller and smaller... I really don't want that... I want to catch up with you... I'm alone...

I'm back... The wedding ended at 12 plus... So now... I have a new aunt... Heh... I gave her the letter for the international women's day... And well I rushed through another drawing that has a boy and a girl... Took the pictures from a children manga... So yup... I used about four months to draw that picture for my first full drawing with of course 5 drafts... By took one hour to draw it the second time... So yup... All my first drawings of each picture would be put in my file... And sometimes if I feel like drawing the same thing then I will try to make it better... Uncle wanted me to write my name... So I wrote it at the blank side a tiny little name... And date... Second brother wanted to see the drawing I just drew... He saw the first one already... So he look at it... Don't know if he likes it... And ask why I did not draw more sketchily to make it nicer... So I said it was too light... I made it a tradition that once after one of my brothers or relatives graduate from their 'O' levels or 'N' levels I would make a point to draw them something... Big brother still keeps my drawing in his school file... My mom hates me drawing... She finds it a waste of time... Yes she does... She thinks it useless... Therefore I know draw on special occasions... She said that she would throw it if she see me draw... Looks like I have to ask my friend to guide me with Second's brother drawing... He is after all going to graduate this year... My friend is really really talented in art... And soon... Next year... I need to draw more then one... So yup... Wedding was okay... DESSERT was FABULOUS... Manjari chocolate mousse cake!!! With passion fruit cake... And long piece of white chocolate or cheese it's rolled up thinly and placed on top of the two cakes!!!!! Heh... I love sweet things... I have a sweet tooth!!! Okay... After school yesterday rushed to 7/11 and got Gemini her lunch and Her favorite JELLY BEANS... She was sick... So yup then stayed at her house for awhile... Tuition... And wedding... Attending in the wedding looking at my uncle and new aunt so happy... And the people around me so happy... It's painful... I was thinking about something else... Someone else... Wondering how is he... And much more... Beneath it was some anxiety... Another race between time... I heard warnings and advice already... The race has started has it not?... It's time I did something about it... Help me Danna... And well... As for the other one... Plannings has started... I'm gonna raise the money now...

Just a moment ago... I witnesses a accident... Late at night... The car was speeding... And then it crashed... Near the Resevoir... I stayed there... Thinking... It missed me... By just a little... Just a little... Mess was Bloody... Yes it was... It could have been me... Maybe I would want it to be me... That poor person... Skidded food the road because it was wet... Just stop raining... Poor thing.. The ambulance cane on less then 10 minutes I saw... And then I knew what was coming... I heavy rain... I could smell it before it rained... And then it was a huge downpour... Poor person... Having being injured and taken out when it was raining... Painful it must seem... Very painful... I think it will be on the news tomorrow... So yup...

Imagine declining a wedding invitation... No I can't... Bacause well... It's like... Quite mean... And it's like well... I don't know... But yeah... Need clothes... And two my hair is a total disaster... Clothes... Well I'm going tonight to find clothes... Yipee... (monotone) Hm... The wedding is tomorrow so yup... Held at the Mandrain Orential Hotel... It's one of my favrouite hotel... Not that I had well check I'm the hotel alone but yes I stayed there for a few days... With my sister... I need to get something formal... So yup there would be a chance that I would be decked out in a dress.... So... Yeah... Not my normal type of clothes... Refering to dress... Trench coat yes I have... Victorian style blouse would be a little creepy don't you think? I wore that on Halloween's day... I have this well... Vest that looks like I'm exploring in a jungle... One of my favrouites... And erm well not much else intresting... I have YET to get a collar shirt... Those that feels papery... A tie... A skirt that would look school like that would fit the collar shirt... Chains... And also those collar shirts with pull overs and a skirt that look schoolish... Hehe... I had seen those in a school in Taiwan... (school for the rich)... And their unifoms are so nice... Yes I do have weird choices for clothes... I would be contended if my wardrobe was like Danna's... Her wardrobe is really really nice... Okay fantastic and fabulous should be a better word... She has awesome clothes... Okay... Though it would be weird that I would be wearinig the military uniform of Riza Hawkeye from Full Metal Alchemist... And so today was amusing... Kristel answered the teacher that Singapore gained independence at year 1964 which was wrong... It was 1965... Teacher ask her what singapore's national anthem was and she took awhile thinking and never answer... It's Majulah Singapura... Which means onward Singapore... More ridiculous was Salina... She asked me... "Who is the guy printed on every of our notes" I was like... How long have you seen money and you don't know?... "Singapore's first president"... Then later the teacher ask... Who our first prime minister was... It's Lee Kuan Yiew... Not Daavid Marshall... Not Goh Chok Thoing... Really funny... Hehe... Then in Biology... Savina (Salina's youger twin) sat with me... Took Salina's journal... and on EVERY page SCRIBBLED "I LOVE SAVINA"... I was like staring at her and half praying Salina won't get mad... Then after school this kid ask me anout our school being on television... She wants the goodie bags if out school won the competition... X.X... Freaky... Yup Yup

Hm... I... Well had lunch today... Not typical though... But it was great... I had planned it yesterday and well could not wait to eat it the next day... I was with Stacia... She wanted me to walk back home with her... Because she found that sitting in my car being driven home is well... Embarrassing... So I told her I needed to go to the convinence shop which was quite out of the way... So yup we went there... She wanted me to buy a 10k cash card for her... So she stuffed the money in my hand and mutter... About wanting to buy sweets... Maybe she feels embarrass in playing such games... Hm... So yup... Got my food... Then I was about to go when I remembered... My house did not have an microwave... Well... That's partly because my parents rarely cook... It's the chef who cooks our dinner... And yeah... They eat their lunch by their own... While I got to find my own... So leading to our kitchen not used... And therefore... When my sister used the microwave it blow?... Lack of usage... And therefore leading it to be discarded... And so... I had to use the microwave there and well the food was still warm when I reach home... Yummy... I still remember when the chef and cooks were in a week holiday we had to find our own food... That was when I was freaking happy... No more of his cooking for a week!... Sad to say... I grew tired of eating his food... And well... I don't know how to bake or cook... Baking... I know alittle... As for cooking... I know nuts about it... But I help to cook a traditional dish before!!! And the house hold did not well say it was bad... But to me it was delicious!!! Heh... Second brother is learning how to cook... And I must say he bakes nice muffins... I'm gonna try his cooking if I get to go over when he is the one cooking... I'd rather study then cook... My oldest brother was telling me how bad I would make as a house wife next time... ... ... ... ... ... ... He says that a girl should learn how to cook... ... ... ... ... Well I'm sorry... I don't know how to cook and I don't really like cooking... ... ... Well... Yup... I knew it... God my marks are like... I drop alot... I'm doing very badly... Though yeah I know why... But I guess I would have to work very hard to get back to my position and to be better... And so... Yup... I think this is my first few time eating lunch this year... I usually skip lunches... Even when there is training... The last time I ate I think was that time Danna wanted me to get something to eat at the convenience stall... Yup... I had to write some thing for this week upcoming international women's day... Well I did... I drew something and well it was only a drawing... Its not even like it's going to fill the whole paper up... It was only a drawing... I don't know how to design at all... So I could not do fanciful writing... I don't draw like nice hearts or able to decorate the paper... Not like others... They draw and design pretty well... It was so plain... It was graded... I had to do... But the thing was... We had to give to someone we admire/love/special... Mostly people would give to their mums... I was like the only one not knowing who to give... Actually I knew... But it would seem wrong in a way... So I just scribbled some words... I could not design... So it was only words and a drawing... Of just a girl... Not special at all... It was mostly the drawing that I look at... The top was plain just a few word on a piece of paper... That's all... When I get it back... I'm not going to give to anyone I guess... I'm gonna tear the top if I did give to someone... And so... Life... Seems so much quieter now... It seems like during that period of time again... I knew that this would come again... No sooner... It's getting much more peaceful... It has a different feeling from last time... In a way that I would rather this then last time... But it's not that... It's different but both has their own advantages and disadvatages... There are still vivid memories... And scars from last year... It's very vivid that it could actually just seem like yesterday... I can remember the conversations... How the way I wasted my life... And much more... It was a mistake... Everything was a mistake... Yes it was a mistake... Me being in this world was a mistake... Me being imperfect was a mistake... Me doing things wrongly was a mistake... Me having asthma and stuff was a mistake... Me and my results were a mistake... Me choosing wrongly was a mistake... Me meeting some people was a mistake... Me spending so much money at the doctor's was a mistake... Me doing almost everything was a mistake... Me smiling was a mistake... Me being able to actually love like someone is another mistake... (I don't even know what that emotion really is because I never really felt it at all...) My whole life was an illusion... More or less.. My whole life was one big mistake... A mistake... Yes a mistake... A mistake that can never be repented no matter how hard I try... Leading to this suffering pain...

you know...
today did not rain it was a sunny day...
and whenever i look up
at the sky... i had this voice in my head...
wanting to tell you...
"the sky I'm looking at now...
is the same sky that you might be looking at too
... just that we are separated from day and night...
one day I'm sure we would be looking at the same sky
... at the same time whether its day or night..."

... Hm... I owe some people an apology... Yup I'm Sorry... I don't know what else to say actually... Yeah... Yes I'm in the wrong... Today's school was... Dreadful... It was one of the worst ones... Started off badly... Actually I knew this day would come... I've been flagging the white flag even before it happened... Then yes I know... Its a confirmation that I would do badly in my CA's... Because for two weeks i was excused from school and had to go early because of my east zone's tournaments... So it's like I can't catch up since everyday I had to go... So yup... I'm sick again... I just recovered less then one week and I'm ill again... Reminds me that the badminton team is like falling sick one by one... There is something wrong with our team I guess... Okay... Our Basketball and Netball for both cca's each two divisions got in to the Finals... Congrats... I'm feeling terribly sick no doubt... I was walking the rain you see... I caught a cold... And was standing in the balcony in the rain in school... And walk around the bridge... So I went to class and blast the fan... And yup... I got dry and caught a cold... I played stress with my friend and lost badly... No mood... Me getting sick was my own fault... Yup... And then well... Yeah lessons... And I started feeling sick... And then I felt dizzy in biology... I had to wait for my sister lessons to end at 3... I went home slept for more then 3 hours... I don't bother taking my medicine... And yup yup... God... Forget it... I don't feel like blogging... -sigh- I'm sorry...

"Are you sure you are okay?"
"No no I'm freaking NOT okay dammit..."

There was once when I was well practically Happy for that moment when I heard something... And then it crashed to simply anger and frustrations... When I heard I simply snap... No sense of happiness in there as you can see... I was so pissed off... Throughout today's paper I was asking why and damning myself... Blaming myself... This is stupid... I was on the verge of getting a knife or something... I was just so angry... Imagine trying to fight your anger... Reminds me that this would be the first time I lost my anger... As in lose it and like get really really angry... I did throw fits but it's not as bad as this... But imagine when you are in the midst of being so angry that you can snap at anyone who did nothing wrong... I was struggling with that feeling... Hoping that I would not snap at anyone... And pretending that it's just any normal day in school... Like that was possible... What is wrong... Why is this world freaking corrupted... Dammit... What?! What am I suppose to do?!... I can't do anything... I'M NOT EVEN FREAKING SUPPOSE TO KNOW ABOUT IT!!!... I'm not suppose to even know it... IT WAS MEANT TO BE KEPT... What's the freaking use... I tried... I mean I'm not GOD... Obviously I can't know everything... Obviously I can't do anything about it... Obviously I can't go against... Obviously the only thing I can do is... I DON'T KNOW... I only watch from afar... I can't be around 24/7 ... But Obviously when I'm ask to and stuff... I WILL... Is that not obvious enough... I can't take it anymore... WHAT'S UP WITH THIS WORLD... Is this even a place for HUMANS to live in... Who am I to say dammit... I'm nothing... I can't even do the simplest thing... Who am I to say... Damn... I'm useless... I'm not needed... So extraded... I'm just afraid... So afraid... Gemini wants me to put down my past... She wants me to forget my past... My pains... All the bad things I had gone through... She wants me to... It's hard... How can I?... I know... This would hurt others around me... Seeing how I hurt because of my past and waste my life away... It's not easy... It hurts... I don't want to hurt him... I don't want to hurt others by my side... No... But how can I be able to put down when I'm hurting... It hurts too much... I know that it's already a past... I'm sorry... That time was unforgettable.. It really was... It left too much of a scar.. The feeling scares me... It does... I can see myself going through it again...

A note to end this...

Sempai's, Raiga... Heh... I'm glad you had fun with the pouring out and opening of it... Thanks For putting it back!! Yup... I know... My hand writing is a disgrace... I myself have nothing much to say about my writing too... Okay it was SCRIBBLING... I can write better but I was trying to finish it... x.x (I can't talk to you three if you are appearing offline!!! So please dont appear offline... I can recieve your "Hi's" and your messages but I can't reply and it's a little creepy... Hehe... Sorry!)

Raiga... I heard you are sick... Are you feeling better? Yup... I'm glad you like the Valentine's Present... Or so I heard... x.x ... But I hope you like it... Hehe you don't have to tell him about opening of it... Let's keep it a secret... ^^ and yup glad you had fun!

Danna... This is for you... CONGRATS ON GETTING AWARDED FOR BEST SPEAKER!!!! I heard you got awarded for best speaker and your team WON the debate Danna... CONGRATS... Really... Keep up the good work Danna... ^^

Screw you dammit... Screw you... Screw you... Screw you... I can't freaking do anything about it... Screw the world dammit... I choose not to believe this... I had always made this silent vow/promise that I would not allow anything harm that person... I always said if anything harmful was meant for that person... I'll take the harm and that person harming could do worse on me... I tried to watch from afar... Waiting for anything that would suddenly happen... I know it's not simple as said but I tried... Not giving up... I'm sitting there watching over... I'm sorry... I don't relax... That I'm always alert... And stuff... And guess what?!... I felt the urge to so badly swear... And throw all the words out... But I just could not... Dammit... There... Again... I'm useless... I can't do anything right... I'm angry at myself... Dammit... I freaking can't do anything about it... I'm freaking useless and hopeless... Why dammit why?!... I can only watch for afar... This is freaking abuse!... I don't mind it on me I really don't! At least of which I would at least not be useless by a tiny bit... Damnation... I feel like being chop up... Why dammit... Screw you... Screw the world... Screw me... Screw my uselessness... Screw my life... Screw me dammit... Just screw me... I should have known earlier... I mean I did... I notice... Started to be wary of it... But it was freaking too late... Don't come near me... I need sometime alone... I don't want to rant at you guys... I'm all to blame... I should have been by that persons side dammit... I know it is impossible... I know... But I'm gonna blame it all on me... I don't care anymore... You can hurt me double the pain... I won't mind... I swear I won't... Even though I don't think it's right to treat that person... But I assure you that if you stop it and do it on me I will tell you it's the right thing... Why why why?! Dammit... I don't have a family that would need me... But all my close ones are like a replacement for that imperfection... Why... Why must it be like this... Why... Why must you hurt someone whom I would protect... Why?... You can choose to do it to me... My family won't notice... And I am useless to the earth... I could die anytime you know... My life is like a time bomb... There is no exact time when I will die... But I know that My life has a fifty percent chance of me dying in a year... So it's like if I live today I wonder if I would live tomorrow... And it goes on... But this person has healthy life... So really really... I can kneel down and do what so ever you want just to have you assure me you won't hurt that person... I will do it... Ask me jump a building... I won't mind... I'm useless in this earth... So please... I beg you... Sorry... I lost control over myself... I'm ready for any scoldings that would come meant for me and get scolded... I couldn't take it anymore... I lost it... I had already broken down in a state where only miracles would be the only cure... I'm sorry... A friend or someone I'm close too... Having me able to cry in his embrace and arms...

Designer: ForThe!Wonder
Tabling Codes: darkdegree
Icons: In-Lockdown & Sealedcards
Font: Tall Films
Stripe Pattern: Mintyferret
Inspiration: Love-notes.org