Colourful Count Downs

Count down 2 more days.
Count down 7 more days.
Count down 19 more days.
Count down one more month and 2 days. 

I'm currently watching this very... Meaningful television show. Starring The Click Five, doing this campaign, to help stop human trafficking, in Cambodia... Yeah... It's an MTV show. Just to let you guys know. With outdoor performanance of songs like "Don't let me go", "Summertime" , "Jenny" and "Happy Birthday" I love the song "Happy Birthday"!!!. Their songs are simple, yet really nice and meaningful.

I swear that Ubin, feels really... Like home for me. I remembered the first time I went there, I hated the place. I hated it, because it was really old. And well, not much people live there, the place was deserted, and really down. But after that, I began loving it. Yesterday, I was back at Ubin again, as every small kampung, there always would be a head chief. I remembered walking pass her house last year, so I made my way there. Yup. I'll go there again. Next month. It's really a nice place. I'll go there again. Plus, there are really nice things to look at there. And the boat ride is something I look forward to. Life is simple there, everyone there seems so happy. How I wish everyones life could be as simple as the people in Ubin. I'll be there, when I'm down. Yeah.

It's time I posted. Just came back, got sent home. Simple as that. Yeah. Nothing much. And all the while I was away, I was thinking about a lot of things. Especially you. And Bobbi, have a safe journey and come back soon, thanks to informing me before hand. Love you.

Conversation with Kai Jun.

Rain: I want to...
KJ: No don't die.
Rain: -looks at him-
KJ: -smiles back-

so much going on, and I can't do much.

You never play fair, do you? Never once.

And so, I was the last to see the teacher for that time. And so, the offer is still on. It looks to me, that the school is not going to give up in that offer. It's been like this. Having one tempting offer since year one till now, having another offer from the school board start of this year. And the offers was brought up today, again. As always, I told the school. Give me some time to think about it. Why does everyone seem to want me to take up the offer? Why? I don't want to be classified as "special case" student. I don't. I know, the school is doing this to help me. But try standing at my point of view. What am I suppose to do? Tell me. I don't want to to for camp. I don't. It hurts. Two of my class mates, know about what difficulties I have, and what I'm down with. And it hurts to actually over heard them talking about it. Like I'm of some unknown classified specimen. I did not even told them. The school trusted them. And told them. Do the school even bother asking me, if I would be comfortable with letting people to know what I am down with? And yet, those friends treat me like I'm not normal. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Just tell me I'm normal, please.

I'm sure things will work out. Like you said it will, I trust you. And I give you all the chances you will ever need. Since, I've waited all this while, why can't I just wait for a while more? I'll be waiting, and I'm sure you are able to prove me, everything you said you will prove to me. I love you.

Its not the time to put ridiculous and funny moments of conversation now. I'll put it up some other day.

No Boundaries sang by Kris Allen (I love the melody being played by the guitar)
Stay With Me by Danity Kane

I'm sorry... I can't stay happy now... Not yet... When everything have to get screwed up again... This is worse then before... And I'm breaking apart, as usual. Nothing unusual. It's becoming more and more often... "Spill" this word... Made me say everything I tried to hide. I made my plans, if something were to happen. All I had to do was carry them out... Piece by piece I place my observations. Piece by piece I tried to mend my heart. Piece by piece I tried to put everything together. Make it right. What should I do now? Tell me. Someone please? "You know what? Just stay in me, sadness. Just stay." I wanted to say this. What now? Tell me. I made plans. Half of it I just can't carry out... It's happening again. Why. What went wrong again? Tell me? It's so ironic, it hurts. It hurts. I don't dare say another word because I don't know what to say. I should have. But I really don't know. Should I just follow my parents wishes. I'm not sure. Scars are meant to be left at wounded areas... Are these even worthy wounds? I don't care. As long as they leave a scar I don't care at all... I won't. Contemplating suicide does not tempt me yet... I'll just distance myself again, I guess. It all happened too sudden. And I'm starting to give up on life again. Should I just drown somewhere?... I'm hopeless... What is it that I'm suppose to do now? I don't know. Everyone is leaving. And then I'm here again. Maybe, I should just go away. Everything I have been looking forward to... Has disappear. Yeah. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't. Someone, shoot me. I'm begging you.

Reopening of old wounds.

I've decided. To be happy, and let my parents have what they want, they can do whatever they want and I'm going to stay happy, I'll try not to get affected by them. Thank you all for being there for me. Kea, Danna, Gemini, Yi Ting, Tiffany, Deborah, Bobbi and Big Brother. Thank you all so much. And for everyone who has been cheering me up. Along with Big brother's support, Gemini's scoldings, Danna for making my days interesting, Yi Ting, Tiffany and Deborah for talking sense into me. Bobbi for cheering me up. And Kea for playing such a big part in my life along with his love and for never being angry at me and everything he has gave me. Everything will be fine. Haha... What more can I expect? I'm sure it will... You have all the chances you need kea. After all, I really am contented with all that I have right now... Especially every single friend I have... Haha... I shall not talk about anything bad that happened today. After all, nothing really terrible happen... I'm more happy, being happy. Haha!!! Don't worry about me, no matter how many sleepless nights or nightmares I have, I'm not going to stop being happy...

All the times we spend.
Would never be a waste of time.
Wanting to always be there for me,
So that I will never be alone, or unhappy
I'll tell you now,
That I'll always be happy and
I love you.

All nightmares come to an end right? Mine does not seem to be that way... Yeah... It does not seem to be that way...I woke up yesterday... In another nightmare and even though the room was air conditioned... I was sweating... Really... I don't want to wake up every morning and start doubting people again. I don't want to!!! I don't want this?! What is this?! Am I going insane?! And yet I wake up every morning having to go through the same thing... This is just like watching a scary movie in an empty theater. I don't want this... I really don't... It feels cold... It really does, I'd rather just do things that will make me at ease. Run off some where. Throw my itouch and hand phone down the drain, run off to somewhere far away. Dump everyhing I have. Go and help the poor. Other stuffs I can do don't seem to have captured my intrest yet... Soon, soon. I'll try to over work myself in training. To fall to dreamless nights...

"As I make my way
into your warm arms"

I'm so tired, I had training today. Great way to distress... Yeah. And well, coach was fuming because out of the whole C' division and B' division, only 11 people came... So she was fuming, Mr. Poh and Mr. Chong was called over by coach, and they had like this debating session, looks like they have come to a solution to change the C' division's captain or was is vice captain? Anyway. Victoria and I was writing letters and it was so... Obvious... We were throwing paper balls around... Hahah now... Things I need...

Wedding Dinner
-Brooch
-Chains
-Plain Metal Rings
-Grey Tie/ Grey Long Ribbon
-White Formal Collar Shirt
-Black Fedora
-Blank Formal Vest
-Black Formal Pants
-Black Formal Shoes

Due second week of June, latest 18th of June

I know. It's for me. I'm decking out as a guy for the wedding... So yeah... Hahah. Nope I won't be a very good looking guy... But haha!!! Yeap! And of course... With the help of, Tiffany, Bobbi, Yi Ting and also I'm asking Danna for help. Hahah!!! I need all this items!!! Hahah!!! Thats all you are gonna hear for me today... Yeah...

Won't it be unfair to you? Because you are the

one getting hurt the most."

I feel bad. Really. Because I can't differ people... I don't know. I'm starting to go insane again, back to those dark days, for those who are interested to know why I have that circular scar on my right wrist, I shall tell you, it was the cause of my parents... Yeah... All thanks to them for never believing me. And why I'm so afraid to be alone and the reason why I lost my own self esteem with it. Thanks to them for never believing me what I told them about my tutor... Who always called me stupid and mean things, the same person who said I cheated in homework... Which I did not... And today I was racking my brains, screaming at myself. "He's the total opposite of your parents! How can you doubt?! How can you doubt your friends?!" and stupidly, my brain replied "Not your fault, which human won't start doubting when they go through the same scenario of always getting dumped?" and I scream back "you were never abandoned by him and your friends" and it ended off "even so..." ... I'm so tired... I really am. I've never been hugged from young... I look at those lucky kids, my sister... Parents hugging them. Always. Before they go to school, before they went to bed. Bobbi thinks I need hugs to calm me down before I sleep... She thinks it's the cure for me to sleep well... I don't know about that... Every retaliation move would bring you closer. Am I suppose to be happy or sad? Because I never wanted you... No... I would always support your decisions you make... I should be sentence to eternal darkness if I were to ever hurt you. Because you are the brightest light I've seen so far... I am really an idiot. I really am... Because I know... If I ever push and hit you... I'll go running off in tears after that... I'm starting to feel like... Crying to sleep again...

"All I want... Would be..."

When everything is going wrong, what should I do? Heck... I'm losing my sanity... I don't know for sure now, who loves me who does not. Believe it or not. I can't tell apart now... It's very distressing... But then I really can't be sure. I was screaming at my head, brain and heart. I even misspelled BRAIN!!! My head hurts, my heart is in a mess... I'm so lost... I tried to relate who's different and who are those who are just like my family. I've been down lately... My family is messing with my heart. It's just very painful and I don't know what to expect anymore. They can say one thing at this moment and at the next moment wage a cold war with me. So I am really starting to doubt everyone around me. And Tiffany was telling me, that this isn't a very good sign... I mean, going through this again and again, which normal person won't start to doubt not only their family but also their love ones and friends. I need assurance... Just yesterday, I told myself to not doubt anyone whom I love... This morning I asked myself "I'm still alive eh? Drat..." and I'm starting to doubt all over again... After yesterday, thinking through what Kim said... I still doubt it... Not doubt Kim, but something else... I don't wish to doubt people... I'm so sorry... I can't help it... They are manipulating my mind along with my feelings... My household just shattered all my trust I had for my friends and love ones... They shattered it so easily... All they need to do was just a snap of their fingers and all the trust is gone, leaving me all alone without nothing... I'm hurting so much. Yet some people, they UNDERSTAND. I don't get it! After how much I ranted at them how much I shout at them, they go "something is up, what's wrong?", "it's okay, I understand", "talk it out, it will help", "don't bottle things up" and I start feeling so bad... It hurts so bad... I'm treating them like this, yet they have been so kind to me... I don't want to doubt them... All of them... Especially not him... But how can I not, when I know that my household that plays fairly a big part in my life, is playing with me, I'm not a toy... I'm not... Just say it in my face. Tell me what you feel about me, and I shall just accept it, and see how it goes, I don't want to doubt people anymore, it hurts so badly and it's so tiring, I want to give in. Give in to what? Give up on my life... I'm so tired of playing this game... I'm so sorry... I'm so tempted... To tell my parents this "momma, papa, I give in... Do what you want with me... I'll quit playing the sport I love best, I'll do what ever you want, maybe it's time... We leave this place again... Just do your worst... I'm ready... Ship me in a crate to the end of the other side of the world, please?"

"And all I really want now is you, I just want to be in your hands. Just stay in your arms for hours, and slowly drift to sleep in your arms, I'm so tired... I really am, I have not been sleeping well for a very long time, make the nightmares stop, please?"

Kea, you need to understand this
I'm not going to forgive you, because
there is nothing worth to forgive, I was never angry at you
I never blame you for anything, never will I deny you
never will I let you suffer all alone by yourself
I cannot stop loving you too...
Soon, soon will you see me and be able to talk to me again
I've never doubted your words...
I'm more afraid of you hurting yourself then me getting hurt
I love you a lot, and I don't want you to hurt yourself
If I am like what you said your everything...
There's nothing more to say because you know me well enough
you are worth something... You always had
And you will always worth something
It hurts to know you are hurt... It hurts to
know you are contemplating suicide again.
You will always be the only one hearing those words
which were only meant for you. You only.
my voice is not that perfect, neither do you
need to pray to hear them, as I said
it's only meant for you.
You can see me as long as you want when you come back,
We will be able to finally talk from day to night after your papers
You are gonna stop hurting soon, I promise
Am I not already yours?
You have every right to deserve me
I am yours... Not for others to share...
I promise...
Just please stop hurting yourself
I love you...

Yeah. Maybe I am crazy. Yeah. Like what you said... Yeah... I'm getting slowly beaten up again, I bit my lip today. Because it momma was blaming me again... She was blaming me of what I became now was caused by myself, me and my silent self was the caused of myself... Maybe it is because of myself... I bit my lip, because I don't wanna say things which I know will hurt me and also get me to be more dislike by them... Now it is always Francine... I get it... I know what you have been through... You were also another unwanted child in the family, momma... I know... I know that. You did the exact same as what I am trying to do. I tried to make you proud, I tried my best in a lot of things, I go with the plans you plan for me, I always tried to go with everything, I played badminton to prove that I could make you proud, make you proud of me for something, I played for the school during the school exchange programme, I played with the principal in china, the coach, the teachers there. I played doubles with our school's Principal too. I got compliments from them, a lot... The teachers there through out the trip wanted to play against me. And one if their funniest compliments was that I looked so quiet and daze on the outside and look nothing like the person they see when I go on court. I take my badminton seriously... After like 7 years of me playing badminton did you finally actually sat down for like half an hour to actually watch me play... And it was only this year... I don't know how much you saw me play, but I knew that as long as you watch me play for just a tiny bit, allowing me to make you feel a the least one percentage of being proud, I'm contented... You left after awhile. After that when I went home you said "you played okay". Nothing more I can say. I know, you think it's a waste of time... No it is not... It has no future and stuff. You are even against me drawing... Back then you also tried to get grandmother's attention... Nope... You didn't get it... But I look at your siblings, those same exact people who are my aunt and uncles... God... Out of the five of you all... Only one uncle treat her so nicely... And I know why. That's cause grand parents invested all their money on him to go university... I look at comparison. Godmother made great soya bean drink and food, second aunt works in a branded bag shop, you are already semi-retired at the age of 40. Uncle is the manager of a company and the youngest uncle a supervisor. Look. Your brother became a manager. And you at such a young age retired... One day... I'm going to do the same... I'm gonna be someone of use. It's too late for grand mother to say sorry to you right?... I'm not as ambitious as Francine who wants to be a lawyer... I don't need a high paying job... I just want to help the poor, those who can't pay to see doctors in countries like Thailand or Africa... Yeah... And I need the people I love, those who are close to me and everyone who made even the tiniest change in my life to support me... Yeah...

What for do you sleep when you know that you will end up having terrible nightmares, what for do you say "I'm home" when you know there's no one there to ever greet you or ask you how's your day, what for do you try to be happy when you know you are not, what for do you try to please your parents when you know they are not going to bother. It's been going on like this for quite some time, my momma is not talking to me at all, I've been trying to get myself distracted so I won't bother. But I just can't anymore, I totally snapped. I was ranting away, blaming myself for even being here and stuff... Go on... Continue showing me how happy the family is without me... When I'm sick, sleeping on the bed, you had to go to Francine's room and play with her, making me hear that you are having great fun. It had always been like this right? She dines with you, while I sit in a corner eating my dinner. And so many others... If you really want to show me how happy you all are without me, I actually get the message. I do. From a long time ago, I got the message, you don't have to show me what you mean, you don't have to spell it all out. I get it. A pigeon was flying today. And then soon after it go hit by the train. If fell to the ground from quite a great height. I was with Victoria and some random juniors from my school... We tried to do something. No one bothered to help us to help the pigeon. It was bleeding at the back, 10 minutes later it started coughing, it seemed red stones to me at first... But then I realized it was coughing blood... It went crazy... I saw the whole thing... It was in so much pain, the internal organs must be badly damaged... After 5 minutes of struggling, to me that 5 minutes was a nightmare... Seeing every single detail of what it's going through... Lots of blood... It then slumped to the ground, wings wide open and thud... Still struggling, and soon after it died... It was a horrible sight... Very very horrible sight... It looked okay to me a few minutes back. But it was all so sudden, just like when someone died of a heat stroke... Or by poisoning... It was so sudden... Many thoughts floating around. I can't stop to count. I'm in a mess right now... There is a solution for all the problems, but it's not one bit great at all... Anyway, those in Switzerland, come back soon and good luck for all your mid-term papers. I love you all, I love you Kea.

"Of all the seasons god could give me
He chose to give me winter"

I'm not in a really great mood... All I want to say is written in a letter. And soon the person will recieve it... I wrote all my thoughts in it... Yeah ... I won't say who the person who would recieve it... But yeah... Congrats to Danna and her team on winning the championship... Yeah. And as promised. I will work harder in my A maths and tell you all my maths test/ exams score. Yup. Thats all...

Looking at the current situation, haha... Nothing. Yup, So. Well. Something scary happened in school today. Well, I'm still kinda shaken by it... But I thank Danna for being right next to me when it happened... Well, It might not be really scary to others but I had really bad experience when I was younger and afraid of it now. That was when everything snapped. And I finally chose to not live in delusion. But all is well... Nothing much again... Did not live up to Danna's expectations for my English results (B3), this holidays I would be facing the dictionary the whole month. I did not do as well for humanities as I was really looking forward to know my results, but I have my graded assignments and homework to pull me up for the total, because I've been doing every single piece and being able to ace it... Chinese was awesome. Haha!!! But I still got beaten hands down by Priscilla again!!! (as usual... Got to get used to it)... Physics... I FAILED!!!!! Ah!!! Thank god I think my first term is able to pull be up because I scored an A1 for the first term... Biology was... Even worse? But I did quite okay for the first term... Geography was really bad... Accounts was okay? Did not pass but was contented... And... -sigh- maths... It was okay... ... A maths was... Terrible... (I'm so so so sorry Kea!!!) x.x... Ah!!!!... Total overall I failed Geography, A maths and Accounts? I'm not sure about accounts but yeah... There... My imperfect results...

Snippets of Yesterday's Conversation

Kim: That would be quite hot. It's like Sasuke and Orochimaru.
Kea: STFU
Tiffany: God. Kea just go gay with Jonny luhhs. Sorry Rainie I just had to say it.
Kea: Lulz. NEIN. I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND.
Brian: lol
Rain: That was random. Love you too, Kea.

"Nothing less...
Nothing more...
Counting down..."

I blame myself for not paying attention... Not paying attention to my own god sister... I hope she will be well...

Life ain't that great now as we see right? Look it at this way, your best friend is currently crushed so badly and you can't freaking do anything because she is currently in Switzerland and not only that she's been pestered by plastics in her school and the school in Switzerland she is currently attending in the exchange programme. Not only that it goes with also others for example your other best friends like mikey, stacy, and friend cloe, being called names in the school, what's wrong with those people?! Just so they grew up together and stuff makes it normal for them to always be around kea, nathan and shawn right? I mean. After all they been in the same school. Does that ring a bell?! And even so they are all best friends are they not? All of them are much more better then you people in the school going around calling them b!tches right? God... All of you are possessive over those 3 guys. And you ought to brush up on all your character...

I've been fine, I guess. I have not have the time to meet the elders on my mom's side. I recently visited my elder in my dad's side... What can I say... She's... Losing more weight... She's getting more deaf, more fragile... I have not been visiting any of my cousins at all... This whole month. Not once. I don't know how they are there. Having spoken lesser words. Gemini is slowly giving up on herself... I don't know what to do anymore... I just look and do... Please cheer up... I've got nothing much to say... Well I've been walking in the rain today. Yeah.

Funny snippets of conversation

Kea: I'm kidding, but dude, seriously, I love you, I love everyone.
Asaki Sempai: whee!!!
Kea: Lulz?!
Asaki Sempai: BUT WHAT IF YOU HATE EVERYONE!? YOU CAN'T FOOL ME!!!
Kea: Nein, I do not. If I do, Rainie won't be my girl friend, no?
Asaki Sempai: Good point.

"I asked him something yesterday...
his answer freaked me out...
It was just one word... One word able to freak me...
I will never allow you to do that to yourself, you are precious"

So it's all settled then. Haha, I'll see how it goes. Smile more? Maybe... Just maybe... Maybe we will be happy somewhere else... And remember that you are not alone...

Yo,
Hey, And you are? Where you are from? And where did you hear it from? Because the only Yo I know is currently in the States. And well, I think I'm nowhere close to pretty, so well, thanks?... Yeah, But it's good to meet you.

Kea,
I want you to stop drumming for now, till both your hand heal. Go for check ups and stuff... You promised, and be careful...

One last thing...

Tiffany,
Life is going to be fine. I hope. I'm always going to be there for you. Remember what I promised.

"If you knew I was going to leave
What are you going to do about it?"

Haha!!! I bet the both of you (Mikey and Tiffany) were using the same Laptop, Haha!!! I love you too Mikey, and I miss you too Tiffany. Along with the Crew in Switzerland. Kea, Nathan, Stacy and Cloe. Haha! It's okay, the whole lot of you will be back in another 2 weeks!!! I think!. Haha! I'll get Mikey chocolate, Tiffany, South Korean Strawberries, and a whole list. Haha! Jareb came on yesterday!!! The only person who did not go for the exchange programme in Switzerland... Was talking to Mikey, Tiffany, Kea... Haha. And mostly to Tiffany... And then some stuff with Kea... Mhmm... Yup... I'm one happy kid... I had one of my best night yesterday... It's been a long time since I slept so soundly...

Deborah can grow up to be a doctor. That I assure you. I'm so tired... My thoughts flow drift around and I don't want to think because I know it's gonna really hurt... Did I miss anything? It seems that way because I'm at a total loss... When it comes to catching up with what I want. I know I'm gonna take quite awhile... And well... A lot of thoughts disturbing me. And then I go crazy. So many things I'm trying to hide, some got found some yet to be found. But I'm still trying to burn it before it spills out... My health is... It's dropping rapidly... I'm getting restless easy... And there's some other way to know... Which only a few people know... Ah well... Training is going to resume. And I'm looking forward to it, so I don't have to think so much when I come home because by then I will be dead tired. I'm not going to die through it. I don't know what to do. Even the strongest person would run away when they just can't take it.

Maths Paper Two was really okay. It was the easiest among the four paper's that had number's and calculation... And then when I did question 8... I was silently laughing, why? Because the moment I saw the question I knew who set the paper... Mr. Chong, the question was a small joke for the Secondary 3 Badminton Player's... Haha!!! Just so happens that 3 of our team mate's are in that question about buying the same car and stuff... Haha!!! I fell asleep during the math's paper... I was so tired... I had not been getting enough sleep... My momma is having a silent war with me... For what reason I have no idea... But I'm being treated like I have never existed in the Family... And she just continues talking to my sister and stuff even though I said "I'm Home" though I know even though I say that for the past year's of my life and only one person would response, and even though she's not with me anymore, I still say the same thing. I don't have to say it... But I still say it... It's always that they are home and no one looks up when I come home... Or I come home and say it to the empty house, which with or without them would always still look the same to me... Empty... I've been thinking a lot... Then I remembered a Friend owed me some favours... I realised now that I know what to use them on. Though now not really the right time yet. But I will use it when I think it's time to use it.

I asked my tuition teacher something today, It was painful to listen to it, but I did... Because as I listened my heart started to hurt... a lot... Thanks to all who have been cheering me up. Especially Danna and Gemini. And yes I will beat you in your exams Danna. In some subjects, I won't let you down. Gemini I promise to not do that again, but no promise for my plans on doing 12 hours of physical training this Friday, and no promise for not over-doing it... You know that when I do physical training I lose my sense of time and just continue... If I beg you to not do that again, will you listen? Because it really hurts to know what happened... It hurts a lot... I had nightmares about it... It was  really really really painful, scary and it hurts me a lot... And I woke up in the middle of the night and then continue doing workouts until I fall asleep again... It hurts a lot... A lot... And I don't know what to do... And I start thinking... It's my fault... It's getting harder to fake smiles... Much harder... I trry but fail, and break down in tears...

"Sleepless night's...
Never ending nightmares...
crying to sleep...
Where's the sleeping pill's... Or get me something to make the pain disappear...
Hurts to even think some possibility...
I love you."

Happy Birthday To

Mitsukake Sempai!

(one day late I'm sorry. 10th may 2009)

Nothing much these few day's. I'm just not really in the mood to blog... Picture tell's a thousand word's they say... Reliving the past...






-The School Badminton Team from the End of 2007- Start of 2008

-My cousin's birthday




-Our Hall of Fame (Badminton School Team)

Happy Birthday Ryan!

Like any other person who wants to get thing's off their own mind. I'm keeping myself entertained. Yeah. Studying A math's and I fell asleep... Slept very late yesterday. Then woke up at 10 a.m. with a headache. A bad headache. Due to some stuff... I did lots of workout yesterday night. So there fore, I've been sleeping a lot. Studied a lot. It's mother's day tomorrow... -sigh- My sister was crying because my mom did not get what she wanted. left me with another headache. Even I don't go asking my momma stuffs... When they say no, I ask no more. She locked herself in the room for half an hour crying. They when my parent's came home, she wanted them to give her more money because she wants to go out with her friend's and stuff... Nothing interesting. Did not talk much today. I'm down with a flu. I decided to keep myself really busy, until... Of course... When next month comes... I've decided to take up Social Work again. Kill time by teaching again. Learn to cook. Study even harder. All after the exam's... Yeah... Nothing much today... No appetite, stayed at home the whole day long. And stuffs... Time flies so slowly. Bittersweet after taste of today's life... Everyday has it's own BitterSweet after taste... It's just how Bitter or Sweet it is... Today's was more of the bitter side...

This can't be happening right? Try another method eh? Tell me then Dear Doctor's... What if this fail? What if it's like the previous time... WHAT IF IT FAILED... I know. She's afraid of having the operation... I know... I manage to convince her to go to the Doctor's. Obviously I know she's afraid. She an old lady... What do you expect? And what? Try a new method. Either way she might have to sit on the wheelchair. If it's too late to save her legs. Then what? My parent's ever mentioned about something... SENDING HER TO THE HOME... By then what are you my Dear Doctor's going TO DO?! NOTHING RIGHT?! Your responsibility is only to give her a treatment or an operation. You don't bother what happens after that right? That's why I've always hated running even though I can run. That's why I dread seeing Doctor's. I swear I WILL REBEL AGAINST my household if they are going to send her away. You all send enough of my dear one's already. I don't want this to happen again... I don't... I really don't... No... Tell me this isn't happening... Someone... Get me out of this nightmare... Help me please?... What if it's like my other elder?... I can't afford to lose anymore... Please... Help me... Someone save me... I'm going insane soon... I can't take this anymore... ... I really can't... I'm breaking apart again... This time slowly... I bet they never notice that I'm breaking apart... They never did... They never paid attention to me before... No use asking them to help me... Alone again no?...

Happy First Month Kea!


Yeah it's our first month... -sigh- but well... All the way at the other end he's busy and frustrated about, his paper's, Jared, Tiffany, Jareb, Gemini and stuff... And I'm all the way here worried about my paper's, Danna's PHYSIC'S PAPER'S, Bobbi, Mitsukake Sempai, Makoto Sempai, Tiffany, Jareb, Gemini and stuff... And also my math's. Well it's okay about not being here. Well haha, Gemini says absence makes the heart grow fonder. Okay. Haha, well after all it's a school exchange programme. When you come back we can always celebrate... So no worries... Haha. Je' taime Raphael. Spring in France... I wonder how it looks like... You have that scenery memorised in your head right Raphael? Draw it out sometime... I wanna see... Well... I love you a lot... Come back soon. -sigh- back to reality the I shall blog more tomorrow... It's short... I know... I'm sorry...

"Je' taime Raphael
Love you..."

Happy Birthday To Tiffany!

Jareb it's going to be okay... I promise... I'll always be there for you, not only that. Your good friends too.

I had my Humanities Paper today. A lot of people did not manage to finish it, BUT I DID. I managed to finish it on time. My Biology paper... Was disturbing. I have a feeling the result's is going to turn out bad... Tomorrow I'm having my Geography and something else... I forgot!. When to Tampanise One today with the same group of people, Wan, Gemini, Yi Ting and Deborah. Ate lunch... Walked around. (I'm broke now) Went to Gemini's house and STUDY... Geography and stuff... My phone is getting really spoilt. (partially thanks to my sister) The new Walkman phone I saw looks too... pinkish? I rather have light pink then dark pink. Gemini gave me some band's... Thank you! It's really nice... Let's see... It's currently 22.28 p.m. ... Counting down?... YES I AM. My sister was making a fuss when I came home. And stuff... As usual... Yeah. Danna Banned Me From Getting Letter's From The Sempai's Or Writing Them. Because of my EXAM'S. Will write to all of you after the Exam's.

Jareb,
It hurts to see you hurt. I really wish that you were back to the old you. I really am running out of words to try to cheer you up. But I know I'm not going to give up. So. Deal with it.

Gemini,
Cheer up will you? I know that life has not been really fair towards you, I'm sure thing's will change. All of us will be there for you.

Bobbi,
School is worth hating when one is feeling down. It's good that you are trying to keep yourself busy. Joining the Swimming Club is good. After all, you've always love swimming. Cheer Up.

Kea,
Yeah. I hope Jareb cheers up too... Her blog is kinda scary... Well looking forward to tomorrow. How's school over there at Switzerland? I heard the Discipline is very strict there. Hahah. I hope you are enjoying your time there. I love you too. A lot.

Rain

Happy Birthday To Yi Ting!

 Life ain't all that much brilliant... I'm currently feeling very guilty... -sigh- Thanks Danna and Gemini for helping me solve one problem, I'm feeling bad about it, but relieve it's gone. And then now the exam's are here, and then there's something going on on the other side of the world and the other side of Singapore... The group has been split... Half of it it's currently in Switzerland for a month of exchange programme... And the other half is currently waging war's with our exam's... Yeah... And, Bobbi. ... -sigh- Tiffany, Gemini, Danna, Kea, Mitsukake Sempai, Jared, Hatori... WORRIED FOR THEM. -sigh- Congrats on Jonnie for being able to get out for one week from Juvi Hall... Everything is pretty messed up... The Sempai's told me that Hatori can't concentrate and stuff... Mitsukake Sempai is kinda badly hurt right now... Bobbi, Ah... -sigh- another of my head might have to go through an operation... She's the main one, call it elder's or yeah... I ate penne pasta today... Talked a lot during our "study" session in Gemini's house. With Yi Ting, Danna, Deborah, Gemini and Me. Yeah... I think I can ace in Chinese... Every single year I make the same mistake... Always question number 25's answer I would write in question 26's answer bar... And I have to draw arrows to tell the teacher I made a mistake in the answering part... Yeah... Okay... I'm tired... Celebrated Yi Ting's birthday without TIFFANY AND STACY... x.x... Make it up by getting her something she likes! I owe her a present too... Hahah I gave Tiffany's birthday present before she flew off to Switzerland! Haha!
I'm tired, I'm having my MATHS PAPER ON THE 8th OF MAY!!!

Bitter Sweet day's...

I feel helpless at such times

Can't your worries be shared with me?

And I sit there and wonder how are you

are you alright?

I'm a hopeless case...

I don't want to see you shoulder whatever burden that is holding you down alone

I know it's what you are...

But it hurt's to see you like this...

My exams started today... It was okay... I'm sleeping a lot more often... I'm chopping down some day's... I'm still avoiding going home as much as I can, My sister is becoming more and more... -sigh- I'm bothered by some stuff... I've been doing some work out's at night, to make sure I fall asleep, mostly push-ups and stuff... I'm studying a lot, My phone is spoilt but I can't change it... my poor walkman phone... It switches itself off and alway's lags when switching itself off... Making it really scary, the battery would then slowly die and if I don't realise it sooner or later, it's gonna feel really hot... And I have to take out the battery even though it's half on... And sometimes, it screws my whole phone, living in the past... The calander would be like year 2000 which is common, sometimes 2005... And the clock would be midnight... Date all wrong... And stuff... That is why I'm late sometimes... Mother's day is coming... It has been made a family tradition that we have to go back for such stuff... I'm not allowed to swim or play badminton for the time being... I'm having LifeNet every saturday with Danna and Ryan... Ryan's birthday is this week, so is Mitsukake Sempai, Tiffany and Yi ting. Meow Ping and Stacy's birthday is this month... And stuff...

-May-
5th May- Yi ting's birthday
6th May- Tiffany's birthday
7th of May- ... Not telling -shush- HAHA Go and GUESS
9th May- Ryan's birthday
10th May- Mitsukake Sempai's birthday
15th May- Loong Wai's birthday and Hatori and Raiga's Second Month
20th May- Meow Ping's birthday
21st May- Stacy's birthday

Sometimes, people really have to understand themselves, I don't know... My class is having a dispute... Everything is not going really smoothly, I'm waiting till my close one's all get back safely... Danna and I made a list, an outing for the 19 of us... Yeah... But I'm also planning my own stuff... For someone... He told me... Confidently... That whatever I'm going to do for him, he's alway's going to love it... I trust him. Haha, I need to thank Danna for designing some thing too... As the day goes past... Everyday has it's own after taste of bitter sweet, My thought's are all too confusing, I can't take it. But guess what? The sweet taste is coming from you and all my close one's and the bitter taste is coming from my troubles and occasionally my closed ones.

Rain drops fall from everywhere

I reach out for you
But you are not there
So I stood waiting in the dark
With your picture in my head
Story of a broken heart

And it goes like this... "Haha YOU LOSE you little girl". Yeah I know.. I'm always losing right?... And then I see "it" jumping about after gaining it's victory... Slowly I feel that I'm breaking apart again... It's painful to feel it again... Every part of me breaking again... Those nightmare's are messing with my head... I seriously don't get it... Did I do something wrong again? And everything goes round and round and round, it makes it hard to breath actually, with this kind of weather and the things that is bothering me, it makes it even harder to do so, I don't know there the people who are there for me, jokes about it, But here I am... Questioning myself about the things they joke about, even though I laugh along with them, I ask myself if it's true. I don't know... Just a year back people questioned me why I was always being to kind, letting myself being toyed around. And then there again another thing bothers me... Two weeks... Two weeks... It's already two weeks that pass... Why do you let every Sunday of this two weeks kill you? There again... I encountered another thing yesterday... I saw a piece of cut out newspaper from the memorials dated 6 years back... Death of my Great Grand Mother... Somehow... Her picture brought back many many memories... I did something stupid... I counted my cousins... I have 43 cousins in my mother's side... But even so, I knew I did that to get me distracted... Just because I don't say my thoughts aloud, I know exactly what's bothering me... With those people telling me... That I'm just plain thinking too much... Really I just can't help it... I'm so sorry... And the exams are here... I know Kea is REALLY CONCERNED about my studies... and he's EXPECTING to see my results... And Danna who wants me to pass English, Kim who wants to see improvement in my Mathematics... And stuff... And my parents who expects me to ace all... With every single day that passes... I feel more unease... I don't know why... I've been sleeping a lot... A lot... I'm getting lethargic... Yeah... I tell myself hey look at the brighter side... 4 more day's... Yeah...

"I can never run away to some where far off
No one can run away from Reality...
Will all my nightmare's really come true? I'm not sure...
I don't want it to happen"

Come on Tiffany! I miss you too! It's only like the start of the month you are away!!! It's so boring here!!! And I can't text you because you were not allowed to bring your phone over! When you come back we really need to do some catching up I swear! One month! How are you there in Switzerland? Kea said the student's were snobbish... Ah well... As long as he's able to escape from school for a month and enjoy his time I'm okay with it, because he's school day's in SAS is no difference from being in Jail... So well... Surprises are coming up for him.... Haha!!! And of course by the time you all come back it would be our school holiday's so I'll plan something for the few of us... Few... Wow... Haha the few of us that consists like more then 14? Haha! Tiffany do you like your early birthday present? I hope you do!!! COME BACK SOON!... Bribe the teacher's to bring all of you back soon! HAHAH! Let's go SHOPPING when you are back okay? Enjoy your time while you can, after all you have not been very well before you left for Switzerland. Come home with a smile okay? I'll see if I can get you from the Airport... My paper's start this Monday! x.x

Designer: ForThe!Wonder
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