Thats me and my Friend... (just for roy a.k.a My little daddy) he told me to upload more pictures of me...

Life sucks as usual many things happened lately... Want to know... I guess I will tell afterall it's always happen does it not? Life could not get any worse then this can it? Maybe it can and that this is it's way of making me mentally prepared... I think... All the people who cause me pain and harm you all deserve to... Vanish... From the surface of the earth... Why must you create this pain...

The least for that someone is just to hold me tight and never let go of me... Yes it's the least he could do for me... I always wanted to be held on... but never was I held on... never once... Hiding in my own pathetic delusion of how the world is suppose to be... Thinking... Laughing... Smiling... Hiding my emotions... Yeah... I do agree that the three most hardest things to say is... I love you... I never dared to say it to that special someone... I am sorry... Sorry to those I had offended... Help Me... I never seek help until lately my " Little Daddy'' Roy told me that I should start blogging... The special someone, the people I offended or the people who encouraged me may be looking at this right now... My sincere feelings towards him, my sincere apologies and also my sincere Thanks to those who know they are the Three categorise people. People like My Jie... Kor... Little Daddy... Friends... Doctor Lionel... Mrs Koh... and the rest of alot of people... Always wanted to be held on... Yeah it's stupid... I know... but I only want to held on nothing much... After all that person I am sure he is very reliable... But it might take me sometime to overcome the shock if he ask... because never expected him to ask... and I guess I would be happy... But I really think it's those kind of One- sided affair... So slowly trying to get over it but whenever he around... I just don't understand... I never did understand myself ... Yeah it would be hard to understand... That's cause I am mostly lost in my thoughts... yeah most of the time it's me and my thoughts of a delusion world of how it is supposed to be like even when it is not... Yeah all a Delusion... 100% he does not know, realise, or maybe he just acting blur... dunno if this going to lessen the pain or actually cause much more pain to me... but I know little or more its still going to hurt unless another delusion... or he really makes my dream comes true... but I don't what it to be another delusion I want it for real... But out of 100% only like 0.01% he will ask... yup... I don't need flowers... Presents Chocolates or whatever the Stead gives... those are not important I only want it simple and lasting... but the things I want is his values and his concern, care and everlasting love... I am sure he can give me what I need that's why he is ... Special... Remember I said it's the least he can do... Just by holding me in his arms and never let go of me... The least... Never let go...

I said half of it... yup half of it... If I had said the full thing he would have really get a shocked of his life... don't want to say it but I did it because I had been in the worst of moods this few days and I need someone to comfort me I guess having my good friend is not enough... I know I should not be like this... But just cant stop it... Maybe having half his time teasing, joking, insulting each other is not enough... I have to stop making myself fall in delusions again... I worry that I might cross the line... and end up hurting myself again... after 14 years... It stopped for awhile... but that does not mean that it would not come back again... The Pain.... I hope for that it would not re-surface again... or maybe I just do it because I want to return the how I used to be without anyone always by myself... even if one day he does ask... I have a lot to consider... truthfulness... reliability... honesty... I really don"t want to fall back into the black hole where I always walking in the dark alley... no... This can't be right... I don't want this to happen... no... whatever I choose I always have to face the consequences... almost forgot... congrats to my Jie and her Stead... maybe he does not understand what kind of special attention I need... and end up hurting me all over... might be lesser the pain or might be more painful then before... would never know... He might not have any thing to lose but I do... The moody days came... on last Thursday... another depression breakout in school... was having to have two teachers dragging me out to the General Office... the came the counsellor... brought me to her room and talk to me for a very long time... She knows I have breakout like this before but it seems like this was the worst of the breakouts... She knows I does things towards myself... but she said if this carries on my parents would be called in... I don't want does people to know... My only family now only consists of Roy... Jessie... Jordan...Jean... and also my cousins who really do care for me... I also want to be truthful to the person that I do have this kind of problems... Depression... Breakouts and stuff... I don't want to hurt him... I never would maybe this sentence can be only understood by Jean... I don't want to be a living burden... I don't want to give him problems... This could be understood by my Jie Jessie... I told her before... All I need during all these Breakouts is someone who would hold me and never let go... yup don't let go of me... Let's just stay in this position and don't let go... The least I could ask of him to do... yup the least...

Yup... I am 100% sure he does not notice my feelings for him... That's good to hear... means I wont scare him away... Why I am so sure? By observing... I got back my composition today and I am very happy with my work so I guess I will post it here... The Signal... I still remember. Year 2021, when the third world war. A single mistake sparked off the flame of the world war, chaos filled the air, many people were injured. That day was my birthday, year 2021 28th of June. The signal for bombing attack soon filled the ears of many people, especially those young ones who do not understand what was going on. Many bomb shelters were activated, people scrambling to the shelters, cries of lost children were all around, not knowing what to do and whats going to happen. And then it started. Missels were being shot down, buildings were all destroyed. This went in for a long time. it seemed like I had lost count. Food and water were very limited. It was one of the biggest blood bath I had ever seen, soon other countries were slowly being destroyed too. Many people were taken as prisoners. The scene of my best friend pulled away just to save me by the Japanese plays again and again in my head. My family whereabouts were unknown,only me and my friends I hanged out with huddled together in the cold and damp shelter. Recalling that day that comes about once a year, " Total Defence Day" when we would hear the signal being played on this day every year. My friends and I were busy making fun of it, never did we know that one day we would hear it for real. It's about over half a year now, but the war still carries on. If this goes on, then this might be the end of the world. Why are we all so selfish. Can't we all live in harmony and peace. Must everyone who is not the same race as you become your enemy. Just a single mistake and many people suffer and die. Its worthless to do such a thing. Why cant we live life like before? Why must people hold vengeance. Why not forgive and forget? Wasn't that what the teachers always teach? I wonder if there is one day I will be able to see the sky again. Wait. I hear another signal. Its that's the safe signal? Is it really safe to come out now? Is this for real?... I stepped out with the others, the last thing I remembered hearing guns being fired, and then the pain came... That's all for my story... please comment... Will appreciate... As I was saying... yup 100% he does not know...

Haha... Daddy and Jie outside white sand...
Me and Daddy during the MRT ride back... haha

Its never to late to regret the things you had not done... The beach was one of the most beautiful places... I used to like going to the beach there was once I walk into the sea with my clothes my parents did not see... I walk like what seem forever and then later felt that I could not breath... I struggled the current weighing me down... And then when I thought it was the end and finally yes what I thought was heaven... I felt some one pulling me... I came back to shore... I turned and saw my oldest brother... He told me that he wont tell mom but I have to not do that again... He saw me walking deeper and deeper and when he called out my name and did not respond he jump in to the water... and when my head disappear he swam and manage to pull me up... I was very weak after the incident... I had to sit down while the others were playing... I stood up and started walking around aimlessly... I had so much things going through my head... so much things I wanted to say... If one day I go to the sentosa beach I want to scream my lungs out... Then I felt a hand on my shoulder... I turn around and saw my brother... he wanted to check on me in case I did something again... so he followed me... at least he cared.... really my life would be dead if he wont always by my side encouraging me... What would my life be without my friends and my god silblings and little dad... I bet I would really be dead by then...

Today I met up with my ex mother in my school, it seems like ages since we met... she ask me to go teach kids how to skate with my ex and her and Benjamin... Benjamin is my ex cousin... It was quite nice finally to be able to chat with her... She told me that Josh has dedicated to teaching skating already... he always teach after school and that when she jogging in the park near my home she would ask me to join her and Josh... Now I really just want to sleep peacefully... like "BANG!" then I fall the place is filled with white light then later thought to myself this is heaven and then regret not telling someone my feelings towards him and than other regrets to think about... I been to the white light not once but actually twice... but in the end I came back to reality... if only the heaven could last forever that would the end of my story book... I would not mind not having to live happily ever after but I guess its okay... after all I got my wish did I not? Things just keep happening lately and I am really very stressed out. Reminds me my injury at my back keeps on bleeding... my white blouse always have red little spots at the back... And Congratulations to Sheri, Wan , Jasmine on their engagement. Sheri is the groom who is going to marry to wife Wan and Jasmine... wow the school going nuts over this... And thank goodness I not in it.., I wanted to ask if I could be Wans man-servant or something but forget it... The priests are Kimmo and Charmaine for my class... nuns... choir... pianist... even the principals... staff...teachers are all invited... like the whole school knows about this event... The ring bearer going to have to buy to pairs of rings and Sheri got to wear both the rings on the same finger I guess... I have nothing else to say anymore.... maybe another of my past tomorrow... The Beach....

Every story always starts with " Once upon a time" and ends with "they all live happily ever after" well my "so -called" fairytale starts with " Once upon a nightmare" and ends on a "and she live in darkness the rest of her life". My friend once told me that every memory was worth remembering and not forgetting... well maybe not all but why would one want to remember the dark times he or she went true it just does not make sense... Words could change it all... Even a simple "sorry" can change it or " I hate you!" yes if only these words were said... I never know that these words could affect someone very badly until I had experience it myself... Is the world like this? Its hopeless... if only I was never taken back... I would have a new home a new family who likes me for who I am, but there still a chance that i might be treated the same as now but at least there is still a chance that I might lead a new life... I decided that I would go abroad to study after my JC or Poly... maybe there I could start out fresh... no need to harbor all those memories as there wont be things that would often bring back those memories... always alone and such... planning to go to those very peaceful places... maybe can even plant the flowers i always love and wished... yeah a flower garden where I can sit there and think all day and night... wouldn't that be nice... I also wanna say sorry to this guy... yeah for using him as a substitute... I know I should not have done that but what could I do.... I was finally being cared.... thats why I was very happy... but when I realised  I was going to hurt him a lot I knew that I had crossed the line between us. I don't know how to tell him for fear that its really going to hurt him... I just really wanna tell him I sorry... I not going to write any longer for fear that people fall asleep... Any way my sincere apology to that guy...

Designer: ForThe!Wonder
Tabling Codes: darkdegree
Icons: In-Lockdown & Sealedcards
Font: Tall Films
Stripe Pattern: Mintyferret
Inspiration: Love-notes.org