It's finally taking a toll on me. After this long, I'm starting to feel it now. Now I can fully grasp the reality that I haven't been able to. Earlier this month, a friend of mine passed away. I met her earlier this year, but even before that, I knew stories of her. The first time I met her, I was amazed at how she could keep up with me. Talkative, loud, and cheerful. She never stopped smiling and laughing and it brought happiness to the people around her. I remember that night, when I received a call from a friend who was shouting over the phone "DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO FAYE?! SHE DIED." And that point in time, I remembered the time when something like this happened. It was deja vu all over again, except that previously there wasn't any shouting, just crying.

The night of her memorial, I was contemplating whether or not I should attend her service, it took me while to calm myself down, get dressed and to get out of my house. On the way to the church, songs like "If Today Was Your Last Day.", "Live like we're Dying", "Heaven's Gonna Wait" filled my ears. It's as if everything has been planned, like some sort of conspiracy. Before meeting a friend at a bus stop near by, I decided to paste a smile on my face, it'd seem wrong, but I just couldn't allow myself to be overwhelmed with despair and sorrow, I wanted to be strong for my friends who knew her too.

Upon arrival, all I saw were purple. It was everywhere. Her favorite color. Everyone, the flowers, her casket, they were purple. If only she knew how high the toll was. When the service started, more information about her death was revealed. She felt lonely, unloved and uncared for, and that's when I remembered a time when I was just like her. I would have ended up just like her if it wasn't for my boyfriend at that time. My boyfriend stood by my side when I was down in the pits of despair and helped me through many obstacles during the time we were together. If it weren't for him, there's a very high chance that I wouldn't be here right now. And that's when I started to feel sick to the bone. Everyone here, myself included. How could we have not seen this coming? Could'nt we have paid more attention to her? Showed her more care? Try to strike a conversation with her? What's the use now? She's gone. For good. My Dear, if only you could have seen this, look at the people here. We came for you. We shed tears for you. We miss you. We love you. But it's all too late. and all we can do now is to pay you our final respects. "If only." Is all that I can say, my dear. I hope that wherever you are, you'd be happy and as cheerful as you were when you were still with us. Even though physically you're not with us, I do believe that you're with us in spirit. Till we meet again, Faye.



To You,
I've been trying to search for you, but no matter how hard I try, it seems like I'm grasping thin air, you're not there anymore. What happened to the promises you made to me? Have you forgotten them? I haven't forgotten mine. From that time till now, it hasn't been easy at all, and I'm sure it hasn't been too for you. But I want you to know that I've started standing on my own two feet now, I'm stumbling, but I'm moving forward bit by bit. I really miss you. There isn't a day that passes that I go a day without thinking about you. I've tried to reach out to you. Really. I screwed up big time. But now that my head is clear, I want you to know, that I really really do love you. If I could, I would want another chance to spend my days with you. There's that thought about what if you already have someone else to replace me, but if you really do have someone else, I wouldn't mind. I deserved it anyway. I've gotten more stable and mature after so long, I finally picked myself up. Please, talk to me. Please give me one last chance. We could start all over. I won't give up. Not on you, not on us. I'll walk everywhere just to find you. If you turn back, you'll see me, trying my very best to catch up with you.
I really do love you, RMK.
R.

Designer: ForThe!Wonder
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Inspiration: Love-notes.org