I'm bleeding again... Right now... Yeah... Actually I was kinda prepared for today's bleeding... Because today when I woke up I was brushing my teeth after I was done... Well I was coughing then yeah some blood... So I knew that I'm gonna bleed today or the day after.. Yeah don't worry... It's well... Not a big problem don't worry... It happens... Always been like this since I was young... I'm so cold... Freezing even though it's mid-day... Well talk to danna today and well made new friends... My arms sore and tonight I'm dragged out to eat dinner at dot know where... I don't bother to ask... The boards meeting have not been announce yet or was I not there when they announce... Congratulations on Jie being a leader too... Heh... Need to ask Ms Lam or Ms Koh when is the meeting... Thanks for asking me to take care of myself Kai Jun (Mr Ng. He's the only one I dare to call the name... Well we are like good friends... Enjoys playing badminton with him) yeah... Though I kinda lied that I was taking my medicine for my back... I actually keep forgetting hehe.. Sorry... If you read this then I'm dead... Hehe not taking my medicine hehe... Parents got back home... Sister is being an... Idiot... The moment she came home she began throwing sweets and trying to catch it in her mouth failing badly... And she opened the window now... I don't need air conditioner any more this could he the air conditioner... Okay I'm freezing... I have a tournament in Valentines day... Perfect... Couldn't be any better... And also a tournament in the 10th of February and new badminton school team shirt again... I think it's white... Okay where's my badminton school jacket?... I'm freezing... Oh well... Now you know Sempai's... Good for you both... Oh... Please don't tell anyone who does not know... Thanks... Tiffany... Thanks a lot really... Thanks Danna and Gemini too... I hope you will get well soon... Don't over drink... You will make me and your friends worry... Don't do it again... The hospitals are unbearble...

Laughter and giggles those not matter anymore... They don't... Not like how they use to... They don't matter anymore... I don't even feel the heat anymore... Just a layer of coldness... I'm so... Fraustrated at myself... Not only for what wrong I had done lately... But I beginning to become careless... More drifted... Maybe even different... I misplaced my stupid waterbottle... Yeah went back to find it the counter person said she don't know if the night shift people threw it away... Then this morning I was late for school... Why? Because I forgotten to eat my medicine in the morning and I was in school already so I had to go back to eat... I'd proably fail my Physics test... Because I forgotten what my teacher thought me yesterday... As for my medidcine for my back... I don't bother to even eat... Hard up for cash... I need to find a job with stable pay... One of my Jie's need the money... I'm gonna give her my pay if the both of us really do find a job... We need like more then $300... That's basic... But yeah... ... I can't believe that teacher... She's so... It's not like Russell wants to go... Such a small matter then he's out... ... I'm an idiot... Russell phone got confiscated because of me... ... Tuition... 3 hours even I can't sit through it... But don't escape it again... -sigh- ... Someone ought to kill me by now... I feel so... Guilty... Hate me... I don't mind... I really don't... Afterall I was the one who made you angry...

"I'm here without you... But I doubt you are there without me..."

I'm sorry if this offends anyone but so if anyone had forgotten I shall actually give gentle reminders... Hey I want to completely forget you does not mean I hate you or what so ever... When I hear about you I get mad... Remember when you kinda use me?... Use me to go call the girl's company that you used to like... Remember?... You even wanted to make a deal with me... Accept someone I don't love and you would accept her... Why?... You would hurt her you know?... She had many and many of scars already so stop it please?... You always ask me what to do... Then when ever you get into a mess I always had to find a way out... Have you realized how much she actually love you? Not only that you kept hurting her... You broken her trust and so much more... How many countless times did she cry for you?... Spared a thought for her?... You even talk to me about her... Told me not to tell her... Have you ever thought she was someone who I hold precious?... Sure I never will tell her... I don't want to see her cry... I don't want to hurt her that's why... How many times did you lose your temper and took her for granted?... You scolded her and venge your anger on her? You broken her trust but she still loved you... She did everything she can to make her happy... When I hear the way she talks about you... I know that she really loves you... But when you meet with problems and matters you just cussed and well reply her like she's at fault... She has to apologize to you... It's not her fault... Then only when you reflect then you realize it's your fault... It's not fair right? I don't think it is... What happened to the dog she gave you?... What happened to it?she was always there for you... She has already enough scars... You want you can hurt me just not her okay? Not her... I don't want to see her upset... Everyone has a right to be happy... Especially her... She has every right... Don't hurt her anymore please?... Take it as I'm begging you... I only want to protect her...

Some changes made to the zodiac's... Seem like I miss the head out hehe... Well changes have been made!!!

starting to think again... About this world... Why... And asking why and why... When was the last time I thought about it?... No one should kill, hurt, cry, and many things... It's just unreasonable... I mean there should not be unhappiness, jealously, pain, hatred, and all negative emotions... It's just not right... Should there not be peace?... Why can't people be contented with what they have?... I read peoples blog... I look at it and I start to think... Why do people blog about this... About how sad they are... Some hiding their emotions and failing badly... Then I ask again... You have someone out there loving you, thinking about you, there waiting for you to rant at them, there for you, there to hear your cries and complains, there to wait for you... Then I ask... Why? Why don't you give them a chance? Why don't you spare a thought for them? Why do you do this? Why do you hurt them? Why are you being so stubborn? Why don't you glance back to see them? No one should ever be hurt... Everyone is special... They are fragile... Why should you not hurt them? Well because simple words can save them as much as it can hurt them... Then I hear the problems of others... I ask why is life being unfair to them? Don't you know how much they suffer? For the sake of them why can't others sacrifice? They are hurting more then you know... Why can't they have a memorable time while they can?... I look at messages saying about being used... I ask why are you using her? She's been always there for you and you are treating her like this? You said you had no friends and she came to brighten up your life and you treat her like this? And I read tags that want to kill... I think why do you want to kill? You have no right to take a life away... The person should reflect upon his actions even before he is sentence to a death penalty... Let them have a chance to repent their mistakes... You have no right to kill because they are human... I look at my family and ask... Why can't I have a simple family which I would look forward to when ever I am down... I pick up a phone call and get a shock... And this time I quietly ask myself... Why... Why are you so much fragile... Why are you so much different... So much weaker... Why after hearing this I worry for you... Why has life been really unfair towards you... I look at this world and think... If only this world was equally balanced... Then I know everyone would live in peace... Who am I to say... I had hurt many others too... And I'm regretting...

Every New Year calls for the Head and the 12 Zodiac's and also the outcasted Cat

Here Thee the Zodiac's!!

The Head Raiga
The Sleepy Mouse Nathan
The Hardworking Ox Gemini
The Funny Tiger Russell
The Quiet Snake Hatori
The Leading Dragon Karin
The Bubbly Rabbit Raphael
The Out-going Horse Amanda
The Tasty Lamb Jun Xiang
The Happy-go-lucky Moneky Ian
The Cute Chicken Stacy
The Faithful Dog Tiffany
The Smiley Pig Chiristie

And well The Out casted Cat... Me...

Thanks for the offer Hatori... Sure you can help ^^
Amanda after New Year okay? ^^
Raiga I cant take a break... Time's running out ^^
Danna (Karin) Yes Danna I do appreciate your assistance alot ^^
Gemini... SURE!!! I'll play more GTA!!! ^^

Russell... YEAR YEAR HAVE FISH!! Hehe... I'll post more pictures later or soon My cousin needs the computer

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!

There is more animals for example... Well my other good friends... Well this are the basic 12 there are others who resembles this 13 animals but unfortunately there are only space for the The head and zodiac's and well the out casted cat... Hehe

Today... A dread... Shall post more about it soon... Now I shall rant... I was so fed up with my parents today... In the morning dad blamed me for something in front of the household, not the whole but yeah... It's not my fault!!! Least I went down and well sms bog brother... Had no mood to stand it... And at night my mom blamed me even though it's not my fault... In front of the in-laws and household... And this time I played my cousins PSP... Played Grand Theft Auto... I was so fed up I beheaded the people there killed people and well the police were after me... I killed some S.W.A.T team members too and yeah... Beheaded the police and ran around killing... Sorry... I was just mad... Hehe... (Today when I stepped in to the second main house I got a shock... Everyone was wearing my favorite dress code!!! I'm the only girl... In the age group or 14 to 19... All formal collar shirt!!! And my favorite brother... Wore a TIE!!!)

People who I think would be against my actions in this game:
1. Big Brother Ian
2. Hatori
3. Tiffany and Stacy
4. Russell

People who would approve of this:
1. Karin Danna
2. Raphael
3. Raiga?...
4. Jun Xiang my cousin

Indecisive
1. Gemini Jie
2. Nathan
3. Desmond my second brother
4. Wilson my brother

*ranting on and on*
Played cards today too...

My Resolution for Him...
That he would find happiness and be healthy... And all his wishes and wants would come true...

My Resolutions for My Gans (My Twin too), Best friends, Good Friends and Danna
May you all be healthy and find happiness

My Resolution for my Friends
Be happy and healthy

An answer to my question... "Why is the world not perfect?"
If the world is perfect then it would not be practical at all... Humans won't be humans anymore... Humans are meant to feel all this emotions, that's what makes us humans... There is... But it would be hard to get there... I heard about it... It's called parallel world... Just above this world it's parallel to this world... Where everything Would be perfect and everything is different there... The world will and will never be perfect... Because of was never meant to be... If it was then it would not be a practical world... Yes... That's why it would never be perfect... Maybe... ...

Todays dinner... Main house... Where?... Main house in queens town... Something cheered me up!!!!! Hehe!!!!! I got to talk to Chiristie (my best friend)!!!!!! On msn!!!! Hehe!!! It's was really hilarious!!! Hehe!!! I miss her and her attitude!!! When I was like saying I saw you cry then she panicked and then refused to admit the fact and say I go die hehe!!! That's how we always kid around hehe... Hehe!!! Well yup!!! Chiristie!!! Hehe miss you!!! Anyway tomorrow is he chinise new year (year of the ox) todays dinner main house sure crouded... Oh well... And... Well...er... How are you?... I... Well... Erm... Kinda... Erm... Miss you... There I said it... Happy?... Well... See you...

Maybe... Just maybe... This year Reunion dinner ain't that bad... We manage to patch the gap did we not?... My fellow brothers... It's been a long time since we ever talk like this... All the laughter the teasing and jokes... Talk about school, magic, sports, and beat boxing... I'm impressed... With my second brother... Beat boxing... Was something I like... It's nice the way you do it... I'm happy that we were like before now I know how to patch things up... With you my dear brother... We have to talk more often... And yeah... Are you well?(not refering to my brothers but someone special) ... Yeah... Big brother (my twin brother hehe)hope you would be happy ...

You might have not notice... But you are important to me... Don't keep running around... Tiring your self ain't an ideal idea too... Hm... If you knew there won't be any difference too won't it?... I might have been the last person on your mind to worry about... Commonly unnoticed... That's me... I usually keep distances so I won't stress you out or make it hard for you... As much as concern you are important... Though I don't show it but you are... I'm kinda feeling more like being in a family now... Though the feeling is weird... But I like it... Maybe because I rarely feel it or maybe I never felt it... Having a family... It's... Nice... Thinking that I would be the last person on your mind it feels... Isolated and drifted... Thanks Danna for being there... Gemini Jie... Those who checks on me... Like Tiffany and loads more... Those who worry for my health... For example big brother... Yup... Thanks alot... I really want to be there for him... Not as lucky as someone else hm?... Heh... Danna has all sorts of connections that never cease to amaze me... Seriously... Renuion dinner is tonight... I heard that this year everyone is attending and it's like compulsory... Even to an outcast like me... We have to get ready by 5.45 pm... Danna's dinner would need to head out around that time too... She was the only one who I ask if she was attending hers... I wondered if wether I ask and told him would make any difference?... But I hope he's alright? You can be always running about you know?... I'm not the only one who is worried for you... Maybe if you search a little more then you would have found out how important you are to me or yeah... Hm... ... I'm... Hey look real god brother is waiting on a bench beside the swimming pool down stairs!!! He's back from national service!!! Heh... White tee and 3/4 pants with a cap!!!... His hair grew hehe... Where is his Girl friend.... Dads talking to him... Mum just went down to welcome him back... Look at how important he is to my parents?... Heh... Random... He's swimming... Hehe he look up and smile to say hello just now... Hehe... Oh well... I think it's time for me to get ready... Only one more hour before dinner... Later myom say something like I disgrace her or something infront of the house hold.... Hehe yesterday me and my brother got lost... Tonight will talk about it

I'm blogging about like important stuff I think then tomorrow I will continue what I done today beacause pictures tells a thousand words don't they... Tomorrow... Renuion dinner like all traditional family who holds values in their house hold will treasure this day of the year... And eat traditinal food... Hm... The house hold would be eating something traditional as usual... Japanese food... Yeah... I'm still dreading to get myself back there... Well at least I saw both my brothers today... They are closer then before... Tell I'll say what happeded tomorrow when I done uploading the pictures... Today... I had a call... Well never did I knew one call would actually make me noticehow important he was to me... I was like... "HUH?!" then my aunt was looking at me... My parents had no time today for me... Uncle Jack justntouch ground yesterday from holland... And my parents are as always when he comes eating dinner with him so mynaunt was the one who brought me to the doctors... She gave me some kind of pain killers... Yeah... She told me I had to lie down on the bed more often... Danna... You have to he careful too... You do know that you also get sick easily... I just realized I can't lose again... The first time I fell so badly it took Gemini Jie and Danna to do coaxing, insults, scoldings and stuff... But this time I really don't want to lose out again... Falling... Falling endlessly without hitting the ground? I would rather hit the ground... Like they say... I'm here without you but I'm doubting wether you are there without me... ... The call really freaked me out... If only she knew it earlier then we would have did something... Don't worry? How can I not?... You have always been somewhere inside just that I notice a little too late... I'm sorry... I badlynwant to tell you but... Some things hold me down and I have instructions from Danna to follow... I hate myself

Hello... The fashion thing changed... Yup... TAG REPLIES
Hello Tiffany!!! Nice as ever?... I'm fine... Life's just slow... Are you feeling better?
Hello Raiga ^^... I'm fine yup... And you?... You've been busy these days I see... You don't have a blog so I cant tag... Yeah? There must be one day we can talk... like last time with all randomness!!!
Russell!!! Hello!!! I cant tag you cause you have no chat box!!! Will link you soon!!!
Will be online later... Well... Yeah... Must I attend tomorrow's renuion dinner?... I don't know... Later go disturb some people... Hehe...

I wanna die... Fashion show case tomorrow!!!! Cat walk!!! Escorted by Mr. Ramlee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to die... Oh my I'm going to be the schools joke of the whole six month... No!!!!!!!!!!! Why!!!!! Mr. Ramlee!!!. Okay it's not so bad but yeah thank my lucky stars that it's not the fugly chemisty teacher hehe the tall one... Big brother hope you are well...

"Learn that the world is corrupt. Not everything is right, in fact majority of all is wrong. But don't forget we're not made for this place we are made for somewhere better. And God knows that. That's why Grace has been extended to us. Be grateful for it. Live life, repent for your mistakes and move on..."
Karin Danna.

Well I've been talking to Danna recently... Yes we had been talking... About serious stuff sometimes to break the tension she just says something random ... This on top was a quote from Danna's penny of thoughts of wisdom... Though I'm a free thinker yes I do listen to what she says and think about it... And her words are all important for me to listen... I take it seriously now it's been talk out... It's time to think how to plan things out... I'm tired after today's training and tournament... Dead beat... Yeah... One last thing to do... I'm worried for him but I don't know... He might not be in the best mood life is being unfair to him, I want to cheer him up... Yeah... My Kor... I guess he's more westernized so big brother would sound nice too...

"You want to know the truth?... They talk behind your back..."
"Hm? It's okay (:"

That was what I replied to my friend... Well yup... He ask why I told him "The world in my eyes had always shatter more than a billion times this is not an exception" well what do you want me to do? Heal myself?... Never... Heh... I used to cry over such things but Danna made me change my way of thinking of life... Yeah... She told me what's done is done don't brood over it yeah?! So what if life ain't going your way?! You are going to give up like that? Heh yup... I heard that both of my ...... Talk behind me for a second I heard the world crash again because... Yeah... Well... But I recalled Danna's words... So I just told him yeah I'm okay...

Good News!!!!!!!!!!!
Today had training so tired... We had to run 15 rounds inside the school and then 80 push ups and sit ups then we train... Then TOURNAMENT!!!! I was panicking away... So yeah then I remember Ms. Martens words "we believe in you"... She's our principal... I played doubles together with her during the trip to china against the china teachers... So I was the only student.. There playing with teachers and the Principal... Yup... So I played against Denise... Well... I kept telling myself keep your eyes on the ball and we believe in you and that no matter what I needed to win... This would make me improve... More and more and finally our school team would get into the nationals... Last year we lost by one this year we needed to win and get to the nationals... And so I won... The game point is 21 but if your opponent has twenty and you also have twenty it's a Duce... You need to get two more points then your opponent to win... Well the first match was 24- 22 and the second was 21-19... Yup heh... I remembered that Mr. Poh once told us... Every point that you got higher than the last match or a winning of a match is an achievement of improving.. After that I ask him again he told me the same thing... And say that he is happy with my performance and yeah proud I guess... Hm... I'm happy... Really... Now it's another one... Thanks... Ms. Martens and Mr. Poh...

I had homework today... From Danna... More like mental trainning of mentalty... Well yeah... I'm doing it now... My answer is yes... I'm sorry... I wanted to murder myself for talking back at you for saying no without thinking... It was always you say I listen and do and no buts... Not even suppose to cut it so I was on the verge of murdering myself... Well yes... I did... And I'm doing it again... What do I do to patch things up? To make everything alright?... So I can have a clear mind to decide I already work it out now it's the tell to choose... Sorry danna for snapping back at you... Well yeah... Hm... Raiga... You were asking... Yeah it's more of a replacement for my house hold... Like my dad replace by My little daddy Roy... And yeah so you get the point... Danna... We ought to go out soon... I know that our conversation could last for a few hours... Recess ain't enough... Tell me when you are free... You do know the dead line don't you Danna?... I need to talk to you soon... I also need time to think things through... Yeah... And yes the answer is Yes... And Danna... "By losing... One Gains..." it's true I think I can't be sure... I hidden the rack that I recently got disown... I never breath a word and was also brooding over it... The first night was terrible but yeah... I hope we can always stay as a family please?... Jeanny Jie about Jing Wen... It's going to he okay... When was it the last time some one calls me his precious or something smiliar?... It's been a long time... Thanks... Kor... Really ^^

Tell me... Is it me or I'm starting to hurt all over again... Well I do admit that sometimes when you help others and they are thankful and well yeah say nice things about you but soon after forget whet you have done to help them and make them happy... It's less then 4 days and I guess my mate just forgot about it... She's busy in ninth heaven because well practically I left some instructions for Christie to do... To make you my Mate happy... I don't know if it's going to hurt you but it was my last resort I had... Well I won't say anything or what so ever... Really... It seems you were too busy thinking about Christie and forgetting about me... Tell me how many times I've help you... Forget it... All I'll do is keep some distance... I see... So you put your lover in front of close or good friends... Really... I never knew you would react like this... If I should known better I would have ask her to keep her distance... One-sided affair huh?... I'm not going to help if you misunderstood both our intentions... Oh well... Yup...

Tell me about it... Some times being hidden from the truth might get you mad at the wrong person... Insulting ain't the best way too you know... Who am I to say... I have another side which holds mostly negative values... But that's not really me... Well... Clear your mind... And things... My advice comes from my Mentors... Danna and close friends... Yeah... I'm trying to keep up with your pace... It seems you are well always so close but yet so far... I know one day we will be walking at the same pace no matter what relationship or bond we hold... I'll catch up... It's just that you might be going a little to fast or maybe I'm the one who is the slow one... Running... or keeping paces are not my forte... Well just to let you know... Maybe Danna... I... Decided... well... when to say.... Yeah?... at the mean time I'll carefully follow your instructions... Well yup... And I've been working on a blog skin... Gathering all my friends photo... Like the Badminton team... ALL my Gans...(If thats possible...)... My friends... Don't kill me if you see your photos there okay?... Heh... Its for those who marked a day in my life special... So you don't mind e-mailing your pictures to me?... I need Tiffany's and to be fair Stacy's one too... Heh... Cause Tiffany had been alot of help... Then For the impossible... I would not bother to ask... Well because it's... IMPOSSIBLE?... I think I'll steal my Jessie Jie's nice photo in her blog or friendster heheh.. I really want to make a blog skin with ALL my friends and mates pictures in it... SEND me your nicest photos and I assure you it will be in it... Mean time I will also put NEOPRINTS that I had taken... That includes... Er... heh... Just don't kill me please?... Well Yup... one last thing...  There's this song that I find quite nice... "I hope you dance" by: Lee ann womack...

 "Try to control your temper okay?..."

"Some stuff are meant to be kept from you"

Oh dear... Fiona was pissed off today... Don't ask why... She kept swearing and cussing in my head... Well yeah... That's what you get for having split personalities... Yup... It's kinda scary when she is angry... Well her controlling of temper is not high at all... So yup... She wanted to blog... No way am I going to let her throw a fit on my blog like she used too... -sigh- I hate this game... It's kind of painful... Really... I'm lost and tired... And there is only like 5 more days to renuion dinner... I don't want to go... I really don't want to... Me the outcast having dinner with the head and mains... That's just stupid and like they would even bother... Can I not attend?... Even if I did I would have only ate for like 10 minutes and then walk off somewhere... I don't want to go... Losing... Yeah great I lost something I hold of value again... Well... I really wanted to know something... But that's what making Fiona throw a fit... She kept saying "Dont tell me you really .... ... And then you just .... .." And so on... Sorry that was only a quote... Yeah...

Perfect Pair eh? Heh... Look my "BF" meaning best friend!!! There you go! My best friend Christie Qin Zhi Rui!!!!! Heh heh she's a GIRL!!! Okay? My best friend! Not what you think... AMAZING that she looks like a GUY!!! 

Well... I know magic can cheer people up just like my friend... He showed me magic which was amazing... He changed the whole card from black and white to a red card... Fantastic... It was so amazing... Well I just read someones blog... It's someone who I least expect myself to read... I was afraid that someone would spam her blog because she was scolding someone on my Jie's blog so I was afraid she would be spammed too... I was relieve when it was not spam but soon I started reading her blog... I just could not say anything... I've always wanted to help others... Well why did I not realize that earlier?... Listen?... I want to try... But I'm afraid you would snap back or something... But don't worry... I'll talk to my jie... Ask her about you... But mean time smile will you not?

"When Losing one Gains"...

How fake is that... Do you mean I'll get something when I lose something? Fine okay... I walk in to a convenience stall give them a ticket that entitles me to things because I lose something... Then I ask "What do I gain?" and the sales person tell me "You can choose anything" then i'll tell her I want Christie back and she said it's not possible... Yeah... If losing is the only way I can gain then I would rather not gain and not to lose... Let time stop and allow me to appreciate her... Even if you give me things that would tempt me I would still choose her... Even if you ask me to choose between my loved one and my best friend I would still choose her... Oh well... Christie... The first time I met her was in a railway train station... She was the first person I saw when I came out then I knew her as everyone's "idol"... The first time I actually talk to her was actually in a restaurant... She was saying I was picky when it comes to food and she was pouring drinks for almost everyone... Then on we kept talking to each other... Even though I know almost everyone idolise her... And some might to the extend hate me being to close with her I still continue to be her friend because she did the same too... Heh heh I remembered something... She hates to not understand what I am saying because when ever I talk in English she would frown and ask me to talk in Chinese heh heh... Well... Yup... I miss her so much but all I can do is keep her in my mind and hope she is well... And yeah... I'm taking a break... Not running away but I'm finally listening to Gemini for me to take a break from all my worries and talks... Where you say? Well... I would be going to the least place would be wanting to go... Back to where everyhing started... Back to the House Hold... Yup... I'm attending this years Renuion Dinner... Which was compulsory but yeah I've been skipping it so yeah... Shocked?... Well it is the only place I'm left with so that's why... When was the last time the old head of the house hold was ever proud of me?... Will you always be proud of me?... That's what you always say to me when I was your precious... You said whatever happens you would always be proud of me no matter what kind of person I would turn out to be... Are you still watching over me and smiling the kind smile on your kind face?... Are you proud of me for attending this year's dinner? You were the last and only one who was ever proud of me... When you died I never heard anyone saying they were proud of me... I miss you too you know... On your funeral... Please forgive me... I was still young so I don't understand... Only when I would really makemyou proud you were already gone... Will you always be proud of me like what you said? You always put your hopes on me... Have I made you disappointed? Have I? Maybe I had but you would always cover for my mistakes and smile saying you were proud of me... What puzzle me most is that why did you want to put your hopes on me?... I have other much more smarter and talented cousins... Why me?...
You could see that they would grow up to make you proud... Unlike me... My ambition and stuff would not make you proud but why me?... You were always somewhere in my precious memory... You were like the only one who was proud of me in the house hold and the only one who put their hopes on me... It was always my cousins or my sister... Well are you proud of me? If you were still around I would always look forward to the dinner with you and I would never be afraid of telling you my problems... You were always a great listener... But yeah... I'm going back this year to rest... Like how a bird acts... When it soars in the skies and get hurts the last place where it would go is home to it's nest but yeah...

I know this would sound a little weird and not like me but... Christie Qin Zhe Rei!!! I miss you so badly!!! I know I sender you off this morning and resume our talks using whispers that no one could really hear... Your rough personalty and how you would always look out for me... Yeah I miss you!!! Christie is so much different from others... She treats me equal... Yes she does depending on where you stand if you are fragile then she would show her soft side which is alittle weird... But to me she is like... A perfect "guy" she looks like a guy (no comments for those who said she's hot... She's just my best friend) and she sounds like one her chracter is like a guy and well the way she dresses and yeah... She has been learning the drums for SEVEN YEARS... My Juniors thought she was a guy so did some parents and teachers... Well a mate of mine had been crushing on her... She's a little bit "crook" but don't worry... She has been crushing on Christie for like since we were in China... Well we got closer me and Christie... My mate (she's not in badminton... Just a friend) she got jealous... Really jealous... An
Yeah... Cause you know Christie is often mistaken as a guy but I guess she likes it so she loves poking me, playing with me and putting her arms over my shoulders... She did massage me when I was tired and yeah we spend alot of time together... ( She is just my BEST FRIEND) so my mate got envious... When another student held Christie hand my mate could not take it anymore... She hated her buddy... So I took Christie aside... and I wanted it mate to be happy cause she loved her so I whispered in her ear... My mate was pissed seeing us being so close... x.x... Well yup I was like " Qin Zhe Rui... Ni Ke yi la .... De shou ma?" it means Christie can you hold ..... (not telling who). Hands?... She ask me why I told her she was jealous and wanted my mate to he happy... She was not too willing but in the end she did... I just watch from behind them...And sometimes Christie's eyes tells me " help..." I'm sorry... I really am... But thanks... Well actually I was begging her... My mate was shocked yeah? Sudden change shocked her... Well yup it was because of me... Then I had to help other buddies solve some disputes so I left Christie even though she wanted me to follow her... I should have just not left her side and treasure every moment... Everything went fine... I manage to slove them all... As for my mate? She was enjoying every moment but... She cried today... I never did... I was just hoping you would have a safe journey and please come back... Christie thanks for noticing me... The usual quietness has lessen because of you really... How I wish I could show you how much I can go on talking... I miss you... Best friends forever?... I hope so... I will post her pictures
With me and me and her neoprints with some other students... I hope you like the drum sticks... The sketch book with me, her and my mate's pictures and mug... Thanks for the Jade... I just recieve a message from my mate... She thank me... she said she felt empty... And just a while ago I was dreaming the day we went out to bugis and other times we spend... Christe ran after me when I ran out of the dinner without a reason... And that night we were suppose to secretly meet them in the hotel... Four of us... They all could not make it... Only I could... I sneaked in and out... I thought I was lost and that I was so dead because the security was so tight you needed the key to enter but I heard familiar chinise voices and laughs I walk towards it and saw cherry running about (12 years old) she saw me ran a hug me and said why was u there?... To see them of course more importantly to see it best friend that was leaving the next day... I saw her she was equally shocked we had a great time in the room talking and panic... We panic because the both of us were stuck in the toilet for ten minutes because we were afraid her teacher might spot check... and her room mate outside... We kept saying we were so dead but in the end we worked together and got ourself out... Yeah when I read my mate's message... I cried... I miss her... She must have reach hong kong already... Then on Monday to china... I shall post her picture and mine... It would be hard I contact her but yeah... I'm hurting inside out... How about you?... And if you're asking why I never cry in the airport... I was fighting back my tears to see you smile for the last time... Another regret... Another mistake embedded at the darkest place... And you did the least expected thing in front of everyone that made me feel bad... You bowed... In thanks... I regret not hugging you I really did please don't blame me I did that because I did not want you to think about me so much... So I walk away... I really regret... I ask you to come out to hug my mate but you were looking at me at a distance... I met your gaze and you smiled the playful smile... I look away... I'm sorry... I seriously regret it... I'm sorry... And you walk away as fast as you could when I kept my distance and turn around back to your friends only the glass that kept me away from running in but when I turned back... I swear you were crying... At first I thought I mistaken but it was true ... Even though you were the "cool dude"... I notice you were crying... I'm sorry...

Danna pop by today during recess... With Gemini... Well my china buddy was there to so I doubt she understands... It was first more of joking and jokes laughter... Soon it got tense and more serious... Usual... But yeah sometimes danna would go straight to the point... She was like... "He's your rival! How can you be nice to him?!" well... We are considered friends right?... Then later some other came evesdropping... So danna and I walk to the back of the class... I knew danna would do something... It's her so there is nothing to be surprised of... But when she told me what she did... I was shocked... I mean well it's not the first time she does similar things... I was still surprised... Looks like I will never cease to be surprised by her... She told me some advice... Actaully alot... She says and I listen simple as that not a single word... Well yup... She ask me how much I knew about him... Well I told her at first she was like "OMG..."
Cause I was talking about his appearance... But she was asking about him not his looks... So I told her... She was like okay and told more advice and what kind I person is my rival... Well I'm sorry... I know I'm those who rather have people happy around me then I myself so I usually give in... Well yeah... But know Danna's helping with Gemini's support I'm sure backing down won't be a way out because I know they will kill me... There are others
But I won't say I'm sorry cause it would be too obvious... Well yeah when Danna's outside of something and if it's her bestfriends or me asking her for help she would move in and be in the central where she can have things going her way by controlling them... Not surprising cause it's Danna what do you expect? She always succed and makes things which I think are impossible... Become possible... Well thanks all my friends really... Ariel too? Yeah and Eunice... Si Hui... I beat you in badminton but good try... I'll train you in tampanies sports hall maybe every Saturday we can train? I promise... And how can YOU... Hide your fever from me?!... It's been two weeks already!!!... Are you okay?

The conversation I had with my Conscience

Conscience: My... My... Look at you...
Rainie: I don't care what you say...
Conscience: Hell yeah? I know...
Rainie: Everyday... Every moment... It's hell...
Conscience: Very tiring ain't it?...
Rainie: Of course it is... It's painful...
Conscience: Love has always been like this...
Rainie: I know... I hate it... I really do... I'm tired...

(This conservation can be read from the top to the bottom and bottom to top...)

Continued...
But who cares... Yeah... This is written about 12 plus... I'm writing in my note book before transferring it to my blog... Well today the Shen Yang Experimental School came to Singapore... I had to wake up early like at 4... Yeah and I'm so tired... Yup yup... My partner (Salina) and her twin sister Savina were fighting with one of our fellow class mate in the toilet... There were bombarding the toilet with vulgarities... Well i did not say anything... I never really talk in school so yeah... I just kept glquiet... I was pressing the tap so Salina could wash her hands... Well I almost do everything for her but yeah... I get her books ready if she is late for class and pass it to her if she is sitting with her clique... Well yeah... At least she is much better than Savina I guess... Well... I'm über tired... Reunion Dinner?... I want him to join me... I really do... I don't want another year of forced fake smiles... I've been yearning to smile for good with you by my side... But I know it will never come true... But close ones and family (Gans) have been supporting me... Yeah... One said I need time alone to clear my mind...

(Done by my teammates Mandisa and Marilyn for the cutting of the letters and Hui Wen and Mr. Vincent Chong for the pasting and all of us for the cutting of shuttles and me and Mr. Vincent Chong for arranging them)
This was the BADMINTON BOOTH!!! Hehe It so nice we gave away free SHUTTLES!!!... And for the sake of my Daddy Roy who used to ask me to post more pictures of myself and Jeanny Jie who pestered me too... Here yeah go the both of you and people out there... I'm not perfect but yeah... Just to make Jeanny happy... ( This was taken yesterday when I went to eat FRENCH FOOD... But it's taken at home after dinner)
Well today was okay... Weather is still cold... I need to wake up tomorrow at three and get ready... Fetch my friend and me to the Airport... We have been asked to go welcome the Schools VIP guest... They would arrive at 5 plus... And for the next few days I kinda get to miss school and CCA's for awhile... Great to runaway from school hehe... Yup... There would be twenty of them... My attire... Hair... Oh my god... they would be dong attire and hair check before the guest arrive... I better pin up my hair before they do the checking...or else I'll get scolded... Well yeah... I guess from tomorrow it's going to be really busy... I'll be back late at night n]because we have to dine with them till about 9 plus... I don't want to... waste of time... I would rather get myself reading... It's going to be really noisy... If only I can hide in a corner... But I can't there would be attendance being taken... Well I've got to sleep soon... Well was talking to Raiga just a moment ago...

I was called out by class today... It was Danna... Well... Yeah... I guess she needed to tell me something important but yeah... Knew something was a miss... Just could not put my finger on it... Well yeah what she told me actually made me skip a breath or was it beat?... I don't know why I reacted this way but yeah... Or was it the weather? My useless lungs are getting more and more weaker... It's true... But if you are going to ask me why don't I tell someone or take my medicine forget it... Even Salina can't here me properly... She says I'm talking very soft... Even though I was trying to talk louder... Yup something did went wrong... Thanks Danna for telling me... Really... It might be something unimportant to her but it was for me... Thanks for telling me... I hate being frail... And not being able to do anything right... I hate it... I really do... It's him alright... Caused you to be in this state... I am not having any peace either... The weather has been really cold... Really cold... What I wanted to say... It's been edited... The original copy is on my note book... I'm tearing it in shreads later... I wonder how can people swim in this kind of weather... It's so cold... It's 28•C but why am I so cold... I checked my ipod... It tells the temperature... ... New years resolution?... Forget it... It won't come true... Freezing... I forgot... I have A maths homework and E maths homework... I don't want to do it... I'm feeling so tired... Well I'll just copy them from the books answer or my friends answer... I've been drawing during A maths lesson... I don't know how to slove it now... Really... I was absent for the topic in secondary 2... I was on a long MC... It was before the exams they were teaching simultaneous equations during secondary 2... I had an asthma attack... It was the week before the exams... Then later when I was well I had a running fever and some problem... Appendix was what the doctor thought... Sent to hospitals and yeah... Nope it was not but thank god... If they did not find out later I would have a scar there... That would be the worst thing... All afterall it's not my first operation... The first was my eyes... Yeah... I stayed in bed for a month and more... Stayed being blind... But then my patience you could say was rewarded... When the doctor finally unwap my bandages... I finally could see... I finally could see... Yeah... It was kept from the house hold... Only between five people knew... Yeah... I couldn't walk so it was really troublesome... I get headaches if I did... I just knew... That my second cousin... The closest to me... He's those very good-looking kind,smart,outgoing and the list goes on... Yeah he wants to be a Vet... I was actually shock... Yeah but I knew he always loved animals just that his parents don't allow him to keep pets... He loves to play with my hamster... Once a week we get to see each other he was the one who help me the little ugly girl lose my weight and gain confidence in myself... And a little in my dressing... Yup... That's why I'm happy he help me be who I am... Yup... Made me prettier... You would be shock if I showed you how I used to look like but too bad... I'm not going to let you people see hehe... Yeah...

Er.............................................................................. Danna maybe you are right............ You said what will I do... I never replied... well let me tell you... Er... I did not do anything?... Well don't get angry... What do you want me to do?... I can't do anything... Well... Maybe just for a tiny moment my asthma did act up... But manage to control it... I think its due to the weather not him... Pain... pain... But it's okay... Gemini Jie?... I don't think I can take this anymore... Don't get angry Danna... Well maybe it's really like the story book?... Jealousy... Right Gemini?... Its your favrouite book so... You know it well... Tell me what to do next?... What did Suzuna do?... Tire herself?... Do excercises?... Study like a maniac?... I'm tired... You do know how it feels Gemini Jie?... Hm?... Tell me what to do before it trashes out... Yeah?... I'll go insane by then... Really... Someone ought to put a stop to my pain... Hey anyone want to go Air- Rifle? I miss it... I really need to let it all out... The best way?... Air-Rifle... Maybe someone would accidentally shoot me... I dont mind... No press charges... Anyone game for Badminton?... I'll play non-stop... Who wants to go Sentosa with me?... Walk and walk aimlessly... How about... Swimming?... Or... I don't know... er... What else do I know how to do... Sing till I have a sore throat?...I know I'll lose in debate... Er... Run?... I can't... Draw?... I have no mood to... Even if I did I would be doodling... Cry?... Will it help?... Basketball... I can't shoot... How about... I... Die?... After I die Danna will slowly torture me... Sounds ideally nice

I'm thankful to have friends, gans and close ones...

Listed People on Thankful List
1. Roy (Daddy)
2. Jessie (Jie)
3. Jeanny (Jie)
4. Gemini (Jie )
5. Jordan (Kor)
6. Karin (Danna)
7. Ryan (Big Brother?)
The rest below are important friends
8. Raphael
9. Hatori
10. TIFFANY!!
11. Stacy
12. Ian
13. Nathan
14. Raiga
15. Team mates
16. My School Friends
17. Anyone who are good friends with me!!
18. Amanda (Mei)(I FORGOT ABOUT YOU MEI!! Sorry you are right at the top yeah? In my FAMILY (:)

Well thanks Danna... Thank you really... Really... Thanks again for playing the game... Yup... Thanks... Yup... I have good friends... And lucky to have them... So yup... Oh... Yup some how I feel at ease now... Well Gemini was happily naming those people from love for Venus and linking them with real life people... Danna thinks it will get interesting, thank goodness for not making it into a fourth... Well yeah... Hey there is a real live show of love for Venus in Singapore... Watch it if you have nothing better to do... Yeah? Gemini and Danna... I bet they would he having fun watching it and spicing it up... Yeah... What do you get if you join Love for Venus and Twilight together?... Love for Twilight at Venus?... Yeah... Great... It won't be fabulous if you were the main character... Maybe watching it will be fun but if you are in the story?... It might be... I guess...

Well I have I admit... Yes it was unexpected Raiga... I guess... By a little... Who am I kidding... It's the world I'm talking about... Anything can happen... Well yeah so now I got caught in another triangle without solving the other one on my hand maybe it's two... I don't know how you can these triangles but yeah... Does that make it a star?... Doubt so... So great... Another one... Or is it two... Well yeah Raiga... How's Hatori?... Is he okay?... Tell him I'm sorry... Really... I did not mean it... I won't lie or deceive him... Whatever you called it but I won't repeat it... Is he fine?... Thanks Raiga... Alot... Well... Hm... Hey I'm half way done with the collage... Quite happy with it... How are you? Does it still hurt?... Don't sneak out again... And control... I don't want you being thrown out of the window... I know it's ridiculous but I don't want you hurt... Gemini... Thanks alot... I know I'm childish... Yup I guess so... Will grow up someday... Danna... I seriously need help... This has turn out more then it seems... It's not the same as the last one... It's so much different... I'm still on the same spot not daring to take a step... I know your first reaction would be laughing your head off or maybe talking to me seriously... I don't know now cause this is new so I'm not sure what your reaction will be... But is it not something you enjoy the most? Maybe the stories you wrote came true I don't know... It's a new game in the game of life... So yeah... But I know at least you would say I'm a no-brainner or something because I don't know what to do... Yeah... I'm the hopeless case... Play along won't you?... -sigh-... I was just wondering... If both are safe and sound... Hm... Don't be like this the both of you... It's kind of killing me with pain... Well... Thanks... Raiga... I really don't know what else to do to thank you for taking care of Hatori... Raphael for really cheering me up with the talk about pies... And Gemini who was half caring and scolding me... You guys really know how to cheer someone up...

I was crying just now... Sorry Hatori... For first... Not telling you the truth... Second for not like you said believe in you... I do just that... I did'nt know... Third for hurting you... Forth for making you think about the things you don't want to think about... Fifth for not paying attention to you when i was crying... Sixth for making you react so badly... Seventh for making you upset... Eight for having you feel so cold... Well I'm sorry for all the things I done... Please forgive me... I'll tell you the truth from now onwards... Its my fault so sorry... Thanks Raiga for taking care of him... Thank you... Raphael... Thanks for cheering me up... Gemini Jie who was there for me... And well.. The world is small looks like Danna and Raiga are good friends... Hearing the way they talk to each other... Well Hatori... I'm sorry... I wont hide anymore things from you... I'm sorry for making you go through the pain again... I'm sorry... Forgive me... Its my fault... I'm sorry... really... I dont know what to say... Really... It scared me when Raiga was going to tend to you... Dont be like this... We can talk it out one day... If you want to... I'm sorry... Thanks to most importantly... Raphael, Gemini and Raiga... And Danna... This time I think I really need your assistance...


"You do know how important you are to me..."

It's all about suppressing right? Well I'm doing it now... Don't know if this will work but yup... Suppressing so that no one would ever yet hurt again... Not withdrawing but waiting at the end of the line... Suppressing... It's all about it... Hiding... And forced smiles... One moment something can change it all... A single snap and outbreaks will happen... I don't want that to happen so I'm suppressing it... What's more I don't want to pressure others... If you have the advantage go on and take it... Well I have no advantage or anything so I can't do anything then wait... Yeah I know it's more or less on the verge of withdrawing so I know what you will think but yeah... Today I got to admit... I was day dreaming... Sorry... Seeing how much he is important to them... I have nothing more to say... What can I say? Throw a temper and tell them he is as important as me? They were practically protective of him... It's good to know that... What else is there to even say... Having to see them caring so much... And they are not afraid to show it... Well on the other hand me just smiles and remain quiet... What else can I do? All I really want is someone who would I don't know... Allow me to have a rest?... No... Maybe not that... All I want now is that all of them would be happy so does he... I don't need to he happy really... I've gotten used to it... I just want them to be happy... Really seeing them happy would be enough although I know myself fairly enough but yeah... Greediness... Want him all for myself? I don't think I'll be able to do that... There would be no way I would do that... Resist... Would be the solution... I must be the worlds most naive person... Yeah... How I wish I could be more pratical... Like other girls... Yeah... They are lucky to be like this... Some are being loved and loving at the same time... That's nice... Yup... I heard it's nice... I can't say anything about it cause I never really been loved... When it comes to family and stuff but that's not the point... It kind of hurts... Yes it does... I'm doing the purely opposite... Instead of healing... I'm making it worse... Might as well leave a mark... I'm doing it to allow others to be happy... It's the least I can do for those unlucky ones... Yeah even though how many marks it leaves I actually don't mind... Just stay happy... Please?...I know you guys and you will find it someday... You just have to be patient... And if you already did... A word of advice... Just be yourself... Don't be afraid to show it... Because if both really loves each other they would accept everything about them the bad or good and accept it whole...

Don't be like this please?... It's pulling me down... I'm so tired even before I knew you I was already very tired... Tired from what people left behind for me to clear them up and some might even left me hanging... So yeah don't be like this will you?... My leg is really getting useless... It's like if I don't move it for awhile it's gonna hurt... More or less... I can't simply be bothered with such stuff but maybe just maybe it's you that it's pulling me down... Selfishness is not one of my values I'm sorry... Maybe giving up is... Or maybe not... My head hurts... Well... Not much of a problem... Kai Jun (Mr. Ng... I call him by name so get used to it) saw me today at the orientation... He was there to take photos while Mr. Lee was scolding... He smiled I wave back and he waves back... Then Kai Jun walk up to me he was asking if I was there for Badminton... Yup I told him then he ask why never wear badminton shirt... I told him I had a meeting afterwards then he smiled and said oh... And said bye... Then later was in the AV theatre... I got bored so I decided to help up with Mr. Chong and the rest at the badminton booth... Kai Jun ask me if it was over I told him later still have... Then ask him where the booth was and he said Mr.Chong was looking for me... Rushed down then saw Mr. Chong... He was talking to me... He said "Bloody hell what a waste of time..." then I just smiled... What did you expect me to do... Then he continued "Next year I tell siew ling don't need to host this kind of thing... Bloody boring"... Then I just smiled back... Well I was okay I guess... He got so bored that he went up... Came down later the rest were doing some stuff so me and him had to promote... I mean he is okay... Well... Yeah... His only 27... Told me... Well... People did not dare to take the free shuttles he gave out hehe I was pratically laughing away... He was asking me in he was scaring them away heheh... Then I said no it's okay... So I began giving them out... Half-way Mr. Chong ask me to stop... He said if they want to take they will take I don't have to offer them... Well... Hui Wen was trying to throw shuttles so I could catch and put it on he table... Half the time Mr. Chong is either trying to catch... Trying to be an obsticle or looking at me catch... I'm telling you... He's like a playful kid heheh... So funny... I had to go for meeting at 12... It ended like 2?! So late I was bored to death... They keep on talking... Well. Have tution later... I'm so tired... Well... I'll blog later again if I can... I'll be online later I guess... Even if they want to pull me out... I won't go... Can't they leave me in peace for once?... I'm so tired...

I was talking to one of my most least expected person that I would talk to today... I say it's today cause it ended at 12 plus... He's just simply to funny... I had a really great time talking to him even though I knew I won't be able to get up early today... It's around 6.30 a.m. Woke up at 5 plus... Well I was talking to my good friend then later he told me that his friend wanted to talk to me... Well just before that I was asking him how his friend was... Well I found out that his friend is really funny and nice... He does funny things sometimes and are one of those kind who won't be afraid to ask or say things that would hurt... That's really nice... It's fun talking to him and it's enjoyable... He's easy to talk to and is very friendly... He's really nice and he does talk to me about my problems... And he's smart too... I have to admit it but he is very observing and well yeah... He's simply just too funny... At the end when he needed to go we had one of the most hilarious conversation hehe... I won't talk details but it was so funny the way he put it hehe.... And if you are reading this... I want to say... I won't take you lightly...^^

Well secondary ones orientation would he starting soon another 40 more minutes... I have to get to school and help out... Then shen yang training will start and I have to rush back home to prepare for tution... You know a thought struck me... I remembered the badminton team were invited to play against an America school... Then I ask my tuition teacher is there only one America school? Then he was like yeah I think so then... I a thought came to my mind... OH MY GOSH... What if it's Tiffany and Stacy's School? Well hehe... Let's see how this goes yeah?... Hehe and the small little competition yup? Hehe ^^

"You better pay attention! From your face I can see you are thosand of miles away at mars"
It's not my fault that I have those kind of dreaming expressions that shows I'm far far away... I'm paying attention... Really!!! If you don't believe you can check my notes no one is stoping you... And in the end you don't believe me and don't want to check my notes and homework... -sigh-... Fine... I'll make sure I'll hand in top-class work the next time I see you... Well I'm tired... This few days I don't know what's gotten in to me... I almost woke up late this two days... Then I'm walking aimlessly again... I'm tired... A forced smile... And dragging your heart... Tired... Well... I know many others who choose to force a smile... Well... When was it since you last smiled you true smile? The smiled that you smiled when you felt like the happiess person... Me? It's been a very very long time... I know a few others too... Who never smiled their true smile for a very very long time... I can't wait for tomorrow... Even though it would be tiring I'm looking forward to talk to someone tomorrow... I'm so tired... Had meeting after school today then skip lunch then had to submit a form thenrun here run there then at 5 have tution... Yeah... Then still have loads of homework but I'm trying to balance it... Well yeah...

"Because sometimes,simple words... "
"...much as they can hurt us..."
"...can save us just as easily..."

I was bored to death today by lessons... I have to help out for tomorrows secondary ones CCA orentation and later shen yang training... Are they trying to kill me?! It's 7.30 a.m. Till 12... Then later training... Well today out of randomness I SMS someone during class... I'm telling you is really boring... Well... The more I want to get into a private international school... The china students will be coming down in like next Tuesday... Just now I think some of my fellow mates were testing my reaction... Well that's cause I usually show the same bored no expression face during classes... Well... Of course I would... It's classes and you can't do much... So they were debating over wether Jerry would come... I didn't bother though... Just look away and stare somewhere... I had no intrest in what they were talking... I really have nothing to do with him... Why is it always me and the rumours... Go gossip about others not always me as a main target... It's hard to force a smile... Yeah... It just wears you out... I wonder one day if I could go somewhere quiet... I would love to go at night to see the skies... Count the stars... I heard that Venice has nice night skies... Thousands of stars and it's quiet... Somewhere far away... A friend ask me... What are you going to do? I told him run... He ask where?... I replied aimlessly... Then he replied mhmm... Just like what I used to say when I'm deep in thought and don't know what to say... Far far away ( I know Danna would get mad... Hey... Rest well okay? I heard you were not feeling well)... See the skies and walk for miles... Just like what he and me did the last time... We were pratically walking aimlessly because both did not know where to go... A thought came in to my mind... Hey... Anyone wants to follow me?... To put down everything and escape from this place... I would not mind... Really... Well what do you expect me to do... I got quite mad today... Because the English teacher insulted something I put to importance twice... And my biology teacher was talking bad about some people... Yeah almost yelled at them but must surpress... Hey if not my record won't be clean if I do it... I want to keep a clean record... As usual... And my place at the Board would totally fly away... So yeah... Taking advantage over those who are weaker is bad... Some people may look strong on the out side but fragile on the inside... I have quite a few friends who are like this... Well just a simple move or word... The heart simply shatters...

"Although I think that life won't be a bed of roses..."
 

 "But I'm sure there'll be just as many good times as well... Because..."

It ought to be just me... I wonder why... Some time I try to shake myself awake... Then I had a nightmare... I said it's a nightmare because it will never come true no matter how many times I dream about it and how perfect the dreams seems to be... Soon the china students are coming... Well he told me he will come... So yeah... I want more chains!!!! Like the one Gemini bought for me... Chains... Yeah... No matter how hard I dream... Dread... I want to skip school... I can't... When is the first Peer Support Board meeting?! They said it would be soon... Well okay... I'm easily bored out these days which will lead me back to thinking about my stuff... I keep opening his blog... Why?!... I can't seem to stop myself... I missed last year... I can't stop thinking... About him... And him... Good grieve... Let me have a break it's wearing me out... I have to get back to school on Saturday... Badminton orientation and shen yang training... From nine to twelve and training from twelve to late afternoon... People has their own preferences I guess... For example... It's always people who supports the good side... But try to turn at another angle and see the angle the bad side... Maybe you will understand... Yeah... Try to be in the shoes of both sides... Life is not fair... Because if it is... Tigers can eat rabbits and rabbits can eat tigers... By then pigs will fly and ants would never be small again... By then if all these happens then maybe I'll have more confidence... Yeah by then... Chains... I want chains... I love chains hehe... Well badminton seems to really tire me out this days... Is it my stamina, my lungs or me getting really restless... I should get myself chains hehe just like those Gemini got for me at 77th street... I want the one that can connect to the collars not the big pin hehe... And soon I need to set a date to meet up with a company... And social work at the hospitals... Back to the usual timetables then... I just hope that my restlessness would not affect any thing... You know what?... I'm starting to get jelous... For no rhyme or reason... I'm getting jelous just that I don't say it... I just live with it... Yeah... I don't know why... Maybe mind is not stable enough... I need a break... Just us... Yeah... It can be anyone... We can stay at a quiet place for awhile... Rest well we can... Just us I promise... Which I guess would never really come true... I'm tired... I keep blogging because... Nothing... And came on to see if you are there... If not I would not he bothered...

Not one's ideal day today... Really... I was looking forward to see my cousin at the Singapore's Polytechnic open house... Well when I went there it was really really pack... Well nothing work out today... I was really kind of pissed... It was so noisy and crowded... Never manage to see anyone I know there... Then I never ate lunch... And loads of other stuff... They were blasting music... Then I got pulled over to take photos with my friends... What's the use? After all you get to see me everyday it's not like I'll run away will I? They told me If I don't take photo with them then they won't budge... Fine... I had to do everything for them... They don't dare to ask the lady so I had to ask... After that they went to buy things to eat well I just waited for them to finish... Then collection of photos they don't dare to ask so I walk to the place where it said "collect photos here" and just find ours... They don't even dare to take so I just took it and walk on... Time went out I saw Carissa... I ask her to join us because she is after all our classmate... We got lost I ran to look for directions then I realized that Carissa joined us... How can I forget?!... She can't run... Her legs are really fragile... Something about blood vessels bursting just by hitting it... How can I not know?! I've been with her since we were like in kindergarten... So I slowed my pace... The rest which consists of two never knew she joined us only when they turned back... They were like treating her like a burden... She's not okay?!... So I slowed down, the rest ran to Gate 3... I walk with Carissa I offered to carry her bag... Well she allowed me... Well she tried to run... But I was like take your time it's okay... You know why? Because one of our classmate only called me when she boarded the bus and it was leaving... Ask her why now then she called us she said cause she was talking to her friend... I was really mad... Our bus left... Who cares... And for those two I really got to hand it to you... You just ditched us and ran... Congrats... Well we manage to get into the last bus... Well it was really lucky for us... Thanks... Yeah well... Today my mom finally got me my inhaler... Wow thanks a lot... Then yeah... I've been trying to push some things that I don't really want to think about but it failed... Yeah... Who cares if the teachers going to scold me tomorrow... As long as those around me is safe then I don't mind if they blame it all on me... As always... I will never ever go to such places again... It gave me a splitting headache... What kind of school an I in... They did not bother to wait for us and they just went off... And the school is really big how do you expect us to find a gate which you never brought us to?... They should have pick us up at the drop off point...I should have just went to Nan yang Polytechnic... I know there would be so much quieter... Well today was really tiring... I miss... Nothing... Yeah...

Sorry... But yeah... I don't care what people think or me already... I made up my mind... I explained to Gemini but I doubt she even listened because she was trying to irrtitate me... Well thanks for helping me with my maths today morning... I know a few others who understand... But for those... Sooner or later I'll explain it... Wether you want to understand or not I don't really care... I've been thinking... So much happiness caused by me... Today my class mate came in by the back door of class me and my friend skip recess to revise then she look at me and walk past and took her stuff and went out slamming the door... My friend was asking what's wrong with her then I just told her she's been like this since last year because of me... I don't know what I did wrong but I know it's either my fault or Jonathan's fault... I don't know what he did to her but yeah... You know I was wondering... Was I happier in the past or am I happier now... I used to walk aimless around... And nothing ever mattered to me... Always staring beyond space and bringing that bored look all around without when caring wether I knock into anyone... Some look at me and just scolded or said at " what's wrong with this kid?!"... At that it was night all day long... Walking around half empty streets it was always doing the usual things... Go home it's always either both my parents are not at home or only my mom which will just keep nagging when I get home... By that time only she would greet me... Idiot mother... Sent her away... Why was the point going through the operation... Would it make a differance if I could see now or just waited until I finally became blind... I bet by now I would be blind if I never had the operation...

Yeah... no problem... Just not my racket... You can use a spear Danna... I won't stop you yeah?... I wanted to say... "You know what? That was a dare, dared by my friend" then gemini was like "NO!!! He don't like liars..." Then I was like "What do you expect me to do?" Gemini: "Tell the truth"... Yeah Yeah... You told him yeah Gemini?... Yeah... I can't kill you... Cause Danna's always with you... If i did i might be courting my own death... Wait maybe i want to... I want a WHITE Coffin please... With air-con and windows on top..... And hold handle bars?hehe... Yeah in re-edited this post hehe yupps will blog later...

Someone ought to shot me... Yeah... I'm really speechless... Yeah anyway... Today was the auditions yup yup... Then alot if people turned up loads were rejected... Yeah... Then later have training... Played with Mr. Poh the badminton in-charge teacher... Then doubles... Paired up with... Mr. Ng... There is nothing between us yeah?... Yeah... So... Yeah... I mean why can't a teacher and a student be close... Yup? Hehe... Okay... Now I just read something I was really speechless... Maybe shocked... Then I thought strike me... Then I was hoping that danna would not lose her temper... Just like what she did last time... Then I was er..... Then yeah.... I won't describe during the training cause if I did... Gemini's going to scold me... Yeah she will be like... "why you never stop your training?!" okay okay... As for the thing that really made me freaked out and a little sad?... Yeah nevermind... I give up... Yeah? I tried now I give up... *flags the white flag*... "HEY!! I'm tired I give up!!!" okay... Danna's anger might explode now... Yeah... No-brainner... I pushed myself to my limits today... Just to get me tired... Yeah... Fine... Fine... I'll hope yeah? I promise I will just not too much... I'm so tired from all the things I worry... Now yeah... I know what I'm going to do already... People might look at me with those kind of eyes... I don't care... It's time to make him and myself happy.... Yeah my mind is made up... It's up to him... Then yeah... After that it's up to him... Yeah I hurt him... I don't want to anymore... Please note... Both Him's are different people... But I have more or less made up my mind... The first time in my life... I'm making my own decision... I hope it's correct... I really do... I never want to hurt him anymore... Yeah it's... The second him... But Gemini said: "You should have faith in him... Why don't you think he can be the one?" Then... I thought... Maybe just give it a try... I already bended my swear to myself why not just bend it alittle more? Okay I will but I will stick to my swear after I give up... Really soon... I promise... Happiness would be there soon at your door step... I promise...

... I guess everyone trying to help me... Thanks... Especially Danna and Tiffany... Gemini Jie and Ryan... Thanks... Yeah Tiffany the GREAT girl... Danna... WHOA!!!... Always as usual... Knows what I'm thinking... And very updated with information... Great... She pass by my class with Gemini and I greeted her and Gemini... She nodded and came in then walk around then we talk then suddenly she was like... "So... I heard...". Then I was like "WHAT?!"... Then she began laughing and walking around eating her biscuits... I was like... thinking... "How... How... How the world did she found out?!"... It seems i will never be able to hide anything from her... Then she walk out and Gemini was... "Later she sure will tell..." Then the thought struck me... I rush out like some kind of maniac... Then I was like "Please don't tell... Please?"... Then she was laughing... Then I was like... "I'll get you your favorite milk 'n' cookies"... She laugh and said "don't bribe me with chocolate..." "You know she's trying to bribe me with chocolate?" She told Gemini... The Gemini said... "I'll get you two boxes of anything you want if you tell him" Then danna was like "DEAL".... Then I was... FREAKED OUT... NO!!!!... OKAY OKAY you don't need to tell him... I'll tell him myself... Thanks Gemini for hearing my problems... Ryan for your advice... And yeah Danna... Thanks... I WILL I WILL!!! Tell!!! One day... One day... soon...

"Tell and think later" Advice from a good friend... Hehe still thinking about it... Whoa tomorrow I have to bring so much books!!! I'll take a picture of it when I come home tomorrow... Hey!!! Watch you liqour!!! Don't get drunk... Yup? Tuesday staying back after school... Helping out in the badminton booth... It's to welcome only 10 secondary ones to join!!! Space is limited and I mean really limited... So they have to go through rounds of trials and interviews before being able to join... Reminds me of when I was a freshmen there always bullied by the seniors that's when I keep skipping training... But soon I stop and continue... Afterall it's my hobby and I've been playing it since I was young... So many people and their concerns... Yeah danna... I'm a failure... I decided to try again... Yeah... I've been asking advices... Yeah... My parents keep picking on me again as usual... Nothing not normal... Hm... Yeah oh I forgot... I'm suppose to blog about how great Tiffany is and since that's the case I might as well blog about Stacy too... Hehe... Yeah Tiffany's a great girl... She's gifted with the power of talking hehe a good person to advise to and also great fashion sense... Stacy is nice and sweet... I guess hehe... She's gifted with liking of food? Hehe I heard she likes food hehe... Yeah... Hehe...

It seems so still and clear now... Its' like looking for a needle in a sea... Give up?... maybe... slowly... I don't know... Change of plans?... Run away and avoid all of them and also close and even love ones?... Hm... Just yesterday... Someone talk some sense into me... Now?... I just trying to run away again... What's wrong with me... Just disappear and appeaar a few years later down the road?... Get a plane go all the way to somewhere far in the moutains?... Save myself and hurt them?... Selfless... Just today... At 2 am... Someone gave me an advice... When ever I give him advice he takes in to deep consideration and then most of the time listen and follow... I took in to consideration too... Was going to follow but then... I just felt like giving up... All of a sudden... Damn it... I'm so useless... I dont want to do anything wrong... I never want to hurt anyone... But it seems that during my whole entire life I've been causing the people around me to hurt... alot... and I truly try to mend it... Yeah Some worked... Some failed worse then before... Causing more pain... It's too scary to see them hurt again and again... Countless of people... It's really enough... really... I don't want to see anyone else getting hurt anymore from whatever they are hurting from... Some times i just watch them far away and hope that they will be fine... No matter how much anger they show towards me I just want to stay by their side until they are better... About mine?... Yeah?... I don't know... Yeah even if I did run off I still have to face it... Give me some time... What if giving myself is a mistake too... I know... Music... Maybe... Nevermind...

Blogging again for today... Blogging because Hatori was happy and wanted Raphael and I to blog... Hey... I got what I wanted... Thanks... Yeah you are right danna... Always been running away for a very long time... Yeah... I'll face it... Treasure all my friends... And smile more... Thanks... Learn what you have to say and finally doing it... Yeah I will I promise... What kind of idiot I am... Yeah... Sooner or later I have to do it... I heard someone talk about one of my favrouite musical instuments either than the piano... I was blasting music on my iPod becuase the whole ride to my grandmother they were all talking... Every where I go I hear them... I was so fed up I blasted full blast... It did not work then I remembered that people would rather pay attention to things that are soft then loud ones so I tune it softer... Wow it actually work hehe...

Reminds me of something... Yeah like the story in the book that came out later to be a movie... Ah yes... It almost the same... Almost... She like this two boys... They were rivals... She tried to force them both together or more or less tried to pull both of her together... End up hurting the both of them... As for me... I don't need to force the both of them... That's cause they are best friends... And I dont want to make the big mistake she made was hurting them... And sinice the both of them are best friends they won't want to hurt each other... Both... Amazing peoples... Perfect people... Both good looking and musically gifted... My life was screwed up until now... I need to do things right now before I screw up worse then her...

I got what I wanted... Yeah... Screwed up... I started asking loads of question... Damn it... Too much to ask that I forgotten what was the main point... I was really happy... Even though it screwed up... I guess it turned... I forgot what I wanted to ask... Then I thought of Macarons... Such an idiot I am... Finally someone get what she wanted and screwed up... But I really was happy to hear from him really... It's made my smile came back... Macarons... Hehe... I'm just stumped with words that's why I keep thinking about macarons... Yeah... Like I said... Hearts are often broken when Words are left unspoken... Maybe doing it instead of saying would be a better idea... Hehe... MACARONS!! Hehe...

I have so much to say to him... Just that the words would come out wrong... I really have so much to tell him... One day would not be enough... I bet even if he gave me all his time that still would not be enough... Even if he gave me his time some words just can't be said... I always never taken words so important it's action that I thought was more important... I never knew that both would be so important... I wish I could just turn back the clock a few days... I'm an idiot... So self-centred... Come on Danna... Insult me all you want... Do your best... I did wrong... Took him for granted... Now that I don't know how to contact him I just feel like crying... I did not dare to sleep yesterday... I wanted time to stop... Never did I know that actually he was there always there to hear me whine to hear my problems to hear my troubles... Pain and thoughts... Just that one mistake I turned the tables... If only I look carefully... Observe and stuff... I work yesterday... I swing my racket practicing my strokes did sit-ups and some push-ups... Then I did some swinging thing about close to a thousand and spend the rest of my energy listening to this musical box that you have to turn it manually and then finally fell asleep... I must be crazy... But its the only way to keep me busy... When I was listening to the lullaby "over the rainbow" I just kept thinking... What's he doing now?... ... Is he smiling?... Sometimes you might lose things or someone of importance if you are just not observing carefully... I regretted not paying much attention... How I wished I found out before it was too late... When I heard it... Almost some part of my brain just disconnected... Maybe my brain was not even connected in the first place... In that case then I felt like part of me just drifted apart... It's only been like this so recently and I'm missing his company already... The best person I know for insulting me and scolding me is Danna... I can't think of anyone else... Hey I made a mistake so scold or insult me already... I regreted really... I should have just spend more time with him... On the Internet after my mom sleeps and just talk to him... Keep him company... Idiot me... Self-centred person... Open your eyes alittle won't you?!... Sometimes the person you think you like might just be for the time being... The person closest to you might be the real one... I'm just so angry at myself... How can I be so self-centred... Life is a game... But only when you realized how real it is then you would regret and want to start again... Yeah I really want to start again... How can I be so mindless... I don't care how much it takes just to talk to him... I'll try... Tag my blog... Anything... I just want to hear from you... I guess the person should know who he is... Hope that he is well... Those who want to spam or scold me can do it on my blog or meet up face to face... As for one insults and scoldings I would really welcome is from my Danna... I'm sorry... Really... I finally understand the meaning of " Hearts are often broken when Words are often unspoken..."

Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry sorry Sorry sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry
If you read this ... I just want to say sorry and forget about what I said, really... Sorry... Just give me some time... Sorry... I'm so messed up... Sorry Sorry Sorry... Sorry... Just give me some time... I hate myself... It's not you it's me... Sorry...

I doubt I can even fulfilled his wants... Is weird... Everything... Yeah... Insainty to actually want to fulfill his needs... I'm doing it just to see him happy... Not more than that... I really don't need him to like me back... As long as I see him happy... Well I've been trying it... Email have been sent... No replies yet from my older sister... I asked her to do me something... Yeah... I really hope I can be able to do it... I wonder if he realized that he might be one of the most important person in my life... Anyway Thanks Hatori...

I look at myself... Visibly irritated by myself... Seeing yourself in so much pain and hurting so much just makes me feel so irritated... It's like you can't do anything at all... Hopeless case I say... Really hopeless... I get so irritated by myself so easily... Yet I try my best to be patient to others around me... Why?... Because it's me that's the problem... If there wasn't me as a problem then I guess everything would be fine... I don't even bother to be patient to myself even care... Yeah I'm irritated by myself... Keep asking why why why... Why am I like this... Why am i unhappy... Why Am I hurting... Hate it... Easily annoyed by it... And will always be...

First day of school... Regreted going to school... It was really boring... Normal process... Checking of attire and hair and stuff... My form teacher is one strict one... Had to unroll my skirt... Tidy my hair... Socks were unseeable so had to pull them up... I fold it because during badminton it won't have friction so I can play better... I did all that before the checkings... Never got pick on... Class commitee members were chosen... I was encourage to be in the Peer Support Board... Fine... I shall go... Just for the sake that my life would be more fun... It was so boring... I sat in class... Wrote some stuff in my notebook that shall carry happy moments... I met Danna today... The first thing I ask was " Did you like the chocolate" she replied " I don't eat dark chocolate but thanks and happy birthday..." then when I went back I suddenly felt that I miss all her insults and scoldings... My class is so dead not like how my ex class used to be... Yeah then suddenly out of who knows where my head started to shoot questions all over my head... Then it seems like it bounce off my skull and comes back just like a ball... It was like asking... " if only you knew how afraid I am to be left alone" and like " do you know how afraid am I not being able to catch up with you" alot of stuff like " if only you would stop to realize that I'm not as happy as I seem" and " would you ever turn back to even notice me" it's all sad questions... Yeah... Loads of forms to fill up... There was one I dreaded most...What do you like about your family... I wrote nothing... Then quite alot of family questions I just put don't know and stuff... One question strike me... Your ambition... I wrote I don't know yet. cause it was a crazy ambition... Yeah if only there was... Happiness given in a present...

Designer: ForThe!Wonder
Tabling Codes: darkdegree
Icons: In-Lockdown & Sealedcards
Font: Tall Films
Stripe Pattern: Mintyferret
Inspiration: Love-notes.org