I'm really really really... Freaked... My classmates, My schoolmates, my peers and all are staring at me like I'm some piece of meat... I swear... Just come back soon Kea... Don't worry about me... Yeah just enjoy yout time there... And by the time you come back... There's going to be a surprise for you... So look forward to it... I don't know if you will love it but... Yeah... I can't promise it's nice but yeah... Just come back safely... You are miles away again... And you just came back here recently... And again miles away... 6 hour of difference... Haha... Well Yeah... Thank's for your letter's Sempai's and also your attention letter... I really liked it... And Bobbi... Don't worry... He's going to be fine... I'm willing to hear you out... I promise... It's going to be fine... You have my word for it... Write back soon...

"I'm missing you already Raphael...
Something I can't control...
My feelings for you..."

Hey Mitsukake Sempai, Are you feeling better?... No. I bet you both look fantastic Yayoi and Hisagi Sempai... Really... Well... GUESS WHAT... I'm also stuck at a troubled position like you all, except mine is similar to Bobbi's... Soon the whole 3rd year students would know about me being attached... More then half the class was crowding over me... Wanting to know about Raphael... ... Thanks to Jessmynand Victoria for helping me... Jessmyn block me from everyones view... While Victoria helped me retrive my phone and those letter's from, Yayoi Sempai, Mitsukake Sempai, Hisagi Sempai and Bobbi... Yeah she managed to get them all back... Thanks to Danna who told my class "Hey don't make her life hell asking about her boyfriend punks". Hisagi Sempai's letter is just as funny! Mitsukake cheer up please?... Yayoi Sempai's letter was neat as ever... With the use of GREEN PEN'S hahah!... Bobbi's letter was folded and tied with a string... Haha it's so cute looking!

HATORI AND RAIGA! Don't fight anymore please? It's been going on for quite awhile! And I've have not been talking to you, Raiga for quite awhile... And Raiga... Is your face better?...

Hey erm... Ryosuke Sempai... Nice to meet you?... Yup... Erm... Yeah... Karin Danna put the can of Sapporo on her desk... I gave her a can... And I was sitting next to her... Biology lessons... Biology lesson's are getting more and more sick by the day... I swear... Danna got bombarded by question's in my class to and stuff... I'm really curious how they found out... -sigh- 

I heard that recently SJS got totally turned upside down... Thanks to this reporter in the school by the name of Shinn Sashiri... (Okay... Not totally turned outside down but... Well Yeah) It's kinda funny IN A WAY... But yeah... I think Bobbi Think's she's a stalker... Okay... Anyway... It's funny... Haha! Congrats to Yayoi Sempai, Hisagi Sempai, Hatori and Mitsukake Sempai for holding the positions of  "TOP 5 MOST WANTED GUY'S IN SJS"... I was laughing when I read the News Blog post... And there's one on... Bobbi and Makoto Sempai too... Well... Congrats to Bobbi and Makoto Sempai who have finally become an official couple... (Haha now it's MY turn to say you are turning Mushy Bobbi!) And... ERM... Makoto Sempai's motto... Is really... Nice?... "Fight with all your heart and finish the bloody race"... ... ... Sound's more of Kea's motto... Okay... The Top 5 thing was really funny! HAHAH! But really... Is there a need to make them do photo shot and sell them for money? In like A4-size, wallet and like normal photo size? I can't really imagine Yayoi Sempai's photo being in some girl's room or any of the other Sempai's... It's kinda freaky... Really... It's weird... Really... This must have caused the Sempai's all to be frustrated... Especially... Hisagi Sempai and Mitsukake Sempai... It's a little out of hand... But let's see how this goes... Haha!

I never thought I would ever encourage Raphael to start a fight... Yeah well I DID... HAHA... Thank's to some guy by the name of Shawn... Making Tiffany upset... No you are not ugly nor stupid Tiffany... That guy needs some eye operation I swear... No you are not stupid because if you was I would be like... Someone with only 10% of intelligence.... Don't care about him okay Tiffany?... I'll find someone WAY MUCH BETTER then him... AH! two more day's before you go to Switzerland for A MONTH T^T... I'm gonna miss those who are going... Do have a fun time there... By the time you all get back it would be our holiday's... SO... Let's head out
Don't worry Tiffany, He does not like you? Well I do... Haha! <3

Look... I ought to Thank Kim, Danna, Tiffany and Wan for helping me... ... Danna was AMUSED by what I wanted to do I swear... Kim was laughing away... Wan was like... "What?!"... Tiffany was like "That's so nice!"... AHAHA though all different expressions they promised to help me! Tiffany for giving me idea's. Kim for going to teach me... Danna and Wan... For agreeing to try... Well... I got a month's time to learn and master it... I swear I never done it before... I never... And I swore to never do it... Never ever... But guess what? I'm doing it... It just came to my mind... Well yeah... It's a surprise... And I need Danna, Kim's and Wan's help... Also with the organising... And the planning... Well... I don't exactly have a month because of my paper's but it's about half a month... So YEAP... There's something you are gonna receive soon Raphael and Tiffany... I hope you both will receive it before your school exchange programme...

"I'm having nightmares again..."

You know what happens when thing's just go round and round and round... Deja vu... It happens again and again until you realize and say "Oh... How ironic"... ... Yeah... It's been a week already since she left... Yeah... It's been a whole week... And I'm still not any where close to accept it... i think my blog song has a problem... I've been sleeping late lately... Not eating much... I TOTALLY forgot I had to pay some stuff... Back to saving from scratch... Yeah... I had to do back to school because I had classes... Then later went to church with Danna to study... Yeah... I'm planning some stuff during this WHOLE month that you are going for a school exchange programme to Switzerland Raphael... By then I'll be having my June Holiday's... And yeah... I'm taking this whole month to do some stuff... I'm taking it like an obstacle... Yup... Thanks to the Sempai's who have been cheering me up... Raphael... Gemini... Danna... Ryan... And a whole lot... And guess what?... I'm gonna learn something which I can never picture myself doing... yeah... I just wanted to do it as a surprise... Yup... Welcome back Tiffany and Stacy... Though well yeah... The few of you would be flying to Switzerland... But... Well... Better take care... I'll see if I can come on tonight...

"Je' taime Raphael." 

Gemini made me realised something... That even the most kindest person, the most purified person, the most understanding person... Can also WANT someone or something... Yeah... She drilled the fact in my head... Yeah... It's true... Yeah... I found out that yes... I want something... Want... I shall imply on... I WANT... Raphael... Yeah... I know it's not the right timing because of what's happening recently... The funeral and stuff... That's when I start drawing lines again to make sure I don't pass the lines... So I won't get hurt again... But guess what... He's been there for me... Always... And I still drew a line... I kept the things I wanted to tell him lock inside me... Gemini... She realised what I was exactly feeling... She knows what exactly I want... She knows I've been drawing lines all over again because I was too afraid off getting hurt again... She knows why I've been listening to the same song all over and over again... She started to talk about it to me too... Treasure the people by your side now... Her simple words were able to make me change... I erased those lines... I faced the fact that I want him... I faced the fact that she's gone and never return... She and Danna made me realised that there's all of my friend's with me... Raphael, Tiffany, Big brother, Deborah, Yayoi Sempai, Hisagi Sempai, Mitsukake Sempai, Bobbi, Yi Ting, And many other's including Danna and Gemini... Yeah... I want her back... But it's impossible right? All I know is to treasure those around me... especially Kea... I've been writing letter's a lot lately haha! Nathan your's is on the verge of being done... The Sempai's have ALL been very nice... Everyone is... I'm going to SAS soon... To see Tiffany... Yeah... Just to let you know Kea... I know you don't really like surprises... Yeah... I'll be frank with you...

"Je' taime Kea...
Love you"

This week has been horrible... You know while waiting for my parent's to pick me up at 7.30p.m. I was rocking on the bench... Crying... I don't know... My friend's told me to cry it all out... Somehow I can't... I broke off after four day's... Four day's of keeping my feelings... I cried... Twice today... The first one was with Deborah... She was talking to me... Telling me it was alright... She took 15 minutes talking to me... Yi ting was patting my back... And when Danna saw... She looked at me... And I understood she wanted to talk to me in private for awhile... So I stood up... She started telling me that she's at a better place and it was going to be alright... Everyone says so... But I just can't think that it's alright... Today was horrible... I don't really want to think about it... I received Big brother's letter... He wants me to be frank with him about my problems... I guess... He has the right to know... He's my brother... Kea too... Yeah... My seniors from SJS are really nice... They have been writing letters to me... Everyone has been really kind to me... Don't worry... I won't hide things from you all anymore... ... I received Hisagi's Sempai's letter yesterday... And today's Big brother's and Yayoi Sempai... Soon I'll be writing to Kea... Yeah... I didn't attend her funeral... Cremation... Even though she was still here I was never there... I found out I don't have a picture... I don't know where her ashes are... I have order's to obey... Studies to cope... Time to split with all my close ones... Kea, Danna, Gemini, Big brother, Tiffany... ...

Rain: I'll make the nicest heart for you...
Kea: I don't care. I know I have your heart.

Tonight by FM Static (Rain)
Make you smile by Plus 44 (Kea)

"Cry all as I might...
It's not time yet...
All I can do is bite my lip and wish for the best...
Thank you all for being there for me..."

I'm afraid to go today... And it's really true... I came to school with my racket to actually drain my energy because I thought there was training today... (Tough not fully recovered... It's time to show up in training) So yeah... Guess what... THERE WAS NO MORE TRAINING TILL MID-PAPER'S ARE FINISHED!... I was a little happy... Because I don't need to worry about tomorrow... But I was more worried about tonight's event... That I couldn't kill myself during training, because I was planning on it... My apologies... Just that the funeral has been really bothering me... I seem happy... But I know it's not... I'm not like my sister... Looks soft on the outside but hard in the inside... I kinda really doubt that she has feeling's for her... She does not seem to bother about it at all... I've been avoiding home as much as I can... But still I always have to get back there... I walked Danna home yesterday because she knew I was avoiding home as much as I can... And she asked if I wanted to walk her home... And when I reached home I got screamed at... And my parent's left at 7.30p.m. I got home at 6.40p.m., I sprinted home... 9 Minutes... heh... My timing from her house to mine... I found it unbelievable... But yeah... I bath till like 7.20p.m., trying to stall for time... And then the whole night m=with my sister... Not that bad... Because instead of locking her out of the house (Gemini's Idea) or scold her and stuff (Danna's Idea)... I lock myself in my own room... And she comes banging my door and I kinda ignore... That's cause I was talking to Kea... Haha... Yeah... So... My plan's for today because I don't have training and still trying to avoid home is to go over Danna's or Gemini's house... yeah...

Snippet's of yesterday

Danna: "What's a clique?"
Rain: " Apparently... The clique we are in, don't seem to be small at all... There's like 17 people in it!"
Danna: "Phfft... AHAHAH"
Danna: "We ought to go out again someday! The whole group! RELIVE THOSE TIMES!"
Rain: "Sure all of us!... Let's get thrown out of the restaurant!"
Danna: "AHAHAH like last year! We almost got thrown out!"
Rain: "LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!"
Danna: " AHAHAH HELL YEAH!"


A quote from Danna and me.
"ARE YOU SURE THEY ARE YOUR BIOLOGICAL FAMILY?!"
"I don't know... You can actually pay lawyer's for making faking document's"

Welcome back... Raphael... Hope you have a safe journey coming here...

I Don't Want Just Anyone's Hug.♥ 8:10 PM.

I had a great day today... Not that great but it was so much better then these few day's when the family has just been turned upside down and I'm treated more unfairly... But I don't really care... I have a family of my own... In school, my friends, best friend and Him... So I don't really bother much... except for the fact that tomorrow would be the last time I'm going to see her... Yeah... I'm the last one to see her and it's going to be the last time I'm seeing her... So yeah... I had break with Danna and Wan... Thank's for the lemon tea treat Danna... So we spend the whole 55 minutes talking about random stuff... After school I just realised that Gemini DID NOT come to school today... She's sick... She did not want me to get in trouble because we had a running test later... But... I'm not feeling well and well being in the Peer Support Board... Is like... The most free Board in our school... All the Peer Support Leader don't really do anything... And well it's more or less... Nothing much being a leader in the Peer Support and a normal student... So I rushed to school to her house... Danna came in about 5 minutes later... 2.55 p.m. went out with Danna to wait for my parent's... It was like "meet the parent's" show... Danna met my sister first... The first impression Danna had of my sister was... BAD... Then we waited for like 10 minutes for my parent's... her first impression of my parent's was "what the hell". Well... She totally hates my whole family. Not my whole household... It's like only 1/7 of it?... So if she meets my whole household... I'm not sure about what the outcome will be... Well yeah... Danna went for her 2.4km run... I was not feeling well that's why... Last year when I did the test... I had one of the worst asthma attack... Whole class were looking at me... Gemini helped and stuff... I had a relapse since High School Year One... at the age of thirteen... And been having it till now and still having... Yup... treated Danna to SEAWEED and coke... She's been wanting to eat it since during school... So she had a seaweed marathon with me and stuff... She was tutoring me English... Well I have homework to do given by here ... WE HAD SO MUCH FUN... She reads word's from the dictionary and I have to explain to her like

Danna: "Plum pie"
Rainie: "A pie that is flavoured plum?"
Danna: "Woah that's the best explanation ever!!! Good job good job!!!"

HAHAHA, Then later tested me on writing format... We had so much fun... Yup... Quote for today "You better get used to it because I'm coming over often soon... So get used to it punk!"

Yeah... We talked about stuff like... Well... Motivation about the run and stuff... I walked her home and raced home... Though I got scolded... But I'm happy... Yeah motivation... I would like that... I'm asking Danna for some help about some stuff... Thanks to all who has always been there for me...

"More of a whisper then a scream...
Mumble through what seem like the darkest period
"It's not true right?"
"Tell me your are lying... She's still there right?"
"She's still there waiting for me... Right?"
At the same moment when I was close to losing it
He came and pick me up and said...
"Hush... It's going to be okay..."...
With those gentle eyes of his..."

I still don't get it... It's untrue right?... Tell me it's not true... But I know it is... I know... I'm going there on Wednesday... I'm going to be the last to see her... And it would be my last time seeing her... My Last Time... With Raphael and Danna, Gemini, Tiffany... And my close friend's being there for me... I really have to say "Thank You..." Danna was supposed to help me with the Bouquet of Flower's, which I was going to send to her... But guess what... She left... So much earlier then I expected... I still remember... So clearly... 5.30p.m.... On the 19 of April... The last time I saw her was two months ago... Danna was the second to know... I messaged her... But she did not have her phone with her... Tiffany was on the line earlier... She heard... I cried... Bobbi was the third... And Gemini... And of course... The last person I would want to know... Knew... Well...Thank you... For being there... I came waiting for Danna outside her class... Obviously she knew something was wrong... She was suggesting flower's to me... When I told her she died... She froze in the middle of the staircase... I was one staircase in front of her... The news took her a few minutes to recover... It became well yeah... She... Like Tiffany and Gemini wants me to attend the Funeral... "My condolence..."... She gave more idea's of flower's and stuff... After school went with Gemini... I sat there not hungry and guess what... The lady came for me and said "Here's all the food" then I did not bother counting the plate's of food... Deborah was asking me if the plate of food was mine... I said "No...". Gemini ordered drinks... and I was not exactly in the mood to count... So then she pushed a plate of food and a drink towards me and said

Gemini: "Eat." ...
Rain: "Huh?"...
Gemini: "Eat."...
Rain: "I never ordered anything..."
Gemini: "Eaattt."
Rain: "I bet Kea bribe you to watch my health..."
Gemini: "AHAHHAH"
Shierly: "What's with you and Kea?"
Gemini: "You mean you don't know?" -Shocked face-
Shierly: "What?"
Gemini: "Kea and this girl here" -points at me- "are a couple"
Shierly: "YAY" -claps hand-...

Thanks for all the fun today and stuff... Yeah...

Thank you all for your kindness...
Tiffany <33 Bobbi and of course Raphael...

[u][c=9]Kea[/c][/u] [b][c=4]i can't stop loving you[c=1];[/c][/c][/b] says:
The world is always unfair, sweetie.


[I know Raphael... I know...]

[u][c=9]Kea[/c][/u] [b][c=4]i can't stop loving you[c=1];[/c][/c][/b] says:
Is it?
Lulz.
I love the rain (:


[Rainy day's are nice...]

[u][c=9]Kea[/c][/u] [b][c=4]i can't stop loving you[c=1];[/c][/c][/b] says:

Protective

[That I don't know...]


The conversation between me and Kea.

Forgive me... I'm so sorry... says:
you know sometimes...
[u][c=9]Kea[/c][/u] [b][c=4]i can't stop loving you[c=1];[/c][/c][/b] says:
Aye?
Forgive me... I'm so sorry... says:
friend's keep things for you
not to let you worry?
[u][c=9]Kea[/c][/u] [b][c=4]i can't stop loving you[c=1];[/c][/c][/b] says:
What is it?
Forgive me... I'm so sorry... says:
you don't blame them right?
[u][c=9]Kea[/c][/u] [b][c=4]i can't stop loving you[c=1];[/c][/c][/b] says:
No.
Forgive me... I'm so sorry... says:
I see...
that's good

[I'm sorry.]

Thank's for cheering me up Raphael...
Tiffany and Bobbi for being there too...

30 minutes was all... It's gone... Everything is wrong... It's all gone... One of my plan's ruined... This is hell... 30 minutes... Believe it or not... And I'm not there... At all... I'm too late... I'm too late... I'm sorry... Forgive me... I don't want this to happened... It did... It really happened... Sorry...

"I'm sorry for keeping it from you
Raphael...
I don't want you worried
forgive me...
I'm glad that
It's msn that I'm talking to you on right now
Cause it's the only way
I can hide my feelings"

Things to look forward to (I have to be grateful) :

1o more minutes to make a call.
19 more day's to something.
6th of may.
9th of may.
10th of may.
21st may.
Holiday's.
Tiffany's holiday's.
Outing's.
The visit to her.
All the paper's to end...
More stuff.
2nd of July.
That's far away but yeah...
Nightmare's that end.
Sweet dream's to start.
Yup...
of course...
KIM's birthday...
and all my friend's birthday's.

Chopping the day's with a chopper.

Everyone seem so... I don't know... I hear that it's bad... But the adults don't seem to be worried... I asked my cousin this... "How... is she?" He took 5 minutes to reply it... It felt strained and trying to make it seem light so we won't have to really think about it "Not good...but not bad either" I asked about his mom, he told me she's really sad... I'm going to see her... After my paper's... on the day I finish them... He told me "sure"... Instead of enjoying after my paper's I'm gonna rush over to see her... I still don't know what to react to this... I decided to sent bouquets of flower's soon... And bring one when I see her, but I don't know where to find one... A flower shop... I don't even know what flower's she like and stuff... The atmosphere is depressing... My parent's are speaking in Cantonese and Hokkian when they are trying to hide thing's from me... But they don't know that I raftly understand it... My cousin's say that she's in a bad critical situation... So does everyone I ask "She's in a bad situation"... Everyone says it... I know she's bad... My cousin's were like telling me "She still continued to work even though we tell her not to" ... I know... I tried to also... Every time I go to see her she personally cook's for me... coming home from work... being tired... and still able to cook... And the best part is... I rarely visit her... I'm an idiot... The last time I saw her was during the New Year's Banquet... about two or one month ago... My cousin told me "I still seriously don't believe that this old lady was the one I saw last Sunday night". He got called out of school, I think... Everyone says she's bad... I know... She's in the Intensive Care Unit... Any stupid person would know that it's bad... She's in a critical moment... Any brainless person would know that it's bad... She's in a bad condition... Any blind person can imagine those bandages... an tubes, machines and stuff connected to her... I feel like running away from school... Far away to somewhere... I don't know... I can't seem to have my emotions in a straight order... I have mixed feeling's... Yeah... All at once... I don't know... I seriously don't know... All I know it's to be put up with my school teacher who picks on people like me... My friend's... Force a smile... Study... and catch up with thing's... The fake smile and being hyper is more important... so my friend's and loved one's will feel at ease... I don't want them to be worried and be pulled down by me when they already have thing's to worry about... Especially a few...

"she's not good..."

MY FAMILY HAS MONEY DAMMIT! CALL THE DOCTOR'S! FREAKING SAVE HER! AND WHAT?! THE DOCTOR'S JUST SIMPLY SAY THAT SHE WOULD TURN INTO A VEGETABLE?! THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL A BRIGHT SIDE?! AND THE WORSE IS THAT SHE JUST LEAVE US?! SO WHAT?! ANOTHER PERSON'S GONNA DIE?! IS THAT IT?! WELL THEN I'M NOT GOING TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL! IT'S MONEY! SAVE HER AND YOU THE DOCTOR'S WILL HAVE IT! SHE'S ONE OF THE FAMILY'S HEAD! THOUGH NOT THE MAIN BUT JUST SAVE HER!... And what?! I only got to know about it after a week?! Is this what you people in my family call "family"? Well I shall tell you that it's not. And guess what? I'm not even allowed to see her?! I know the family has it's main and the outside member's to be classified as... What's the use of being in the main when you freaking can't do anything and that you are always restricted to things?!... "Family" this is what you people call family... I don't believe this... If this is what you call family... I don't want to be part of it...

Just go away... Please... I need some time alone...

You were always there for me, you were the one who said that I should not give up without trying, the one who said that I should not give up on thing's until I met the correct person, Thanks to you I'm happy, Happy being with some one I love, You were a great listener and always so patient, you think about other's more then you think about yourself, we both love Korean music, share the same interest and stuff, the last time I had a best friend was during my first year, after I lost her I was afraid to have anymore best friend's because I was afraid of losing them again. So I distance myself from friend's, but before I knew it, we started being close and then later best friend... I want to tell you the same... Don't give up yet... I will be there to hear your says and listen, like what you did, and encourage you the same way.

Dedicated to my best friend. P.S. don't give up yet Tiffany. love you. <33


I was about to say "Hey are you sure it's year 2009?" I mean well if it was not for the date and year my calender shows, the memory of one of my most wonderfully spent birthday's with the clique last year, (too much names). If it was not for the new friend's I've made... and happy moment's this year... I would have mistaken it for last year, why? Let's make a recount... Last year just before our end-term's exams, a whole lot of things happened... All bad, my family's head was hospitalised, operated twice, she was in the hospital for a long time, I've been juggling with school, my friend's, and unhappy stuff... and then terrible thing's happened, not only to me, most importantly my friend and friend's. My grandmother was operated twice. The first time she went in was during the first six month's of the year, after I came back from camp, I remembered I got her a basket of fruits for her, the doctor said she was cured after the operation, But it was not, it became worse, there was side effects and stuff... In she went again during the period of my exam's which was around the corner... I waited until it ended, it was about a five-hour operation, it was her second one. I stood outside standing, waiting... Though I was here I was thinking about other stuff, thoughts of my friend's, grandmother, exam's... I waited throughout the whole thing... But between the last two hour's... I couldn't take it anymore, I ran out, all those metal door's and door's banging after me running through it, The best way for me was to run away... I wandered around... Then I was called by my mom shouting at me through the phone after it ended, I went back and there she was... Intensive Care Unit... With all those tubes on her... And this year... more or less another living nightmare... Another head in the family, not from the main family, more like the ''outside'' head, she fell during work (I really don't understand why they let her work) house keeper... In a hotel? not sure. (What's the use if you are in the main and nobody really notice's you) Well, she fell, currently in the Intensive Care Unit and has been in a comatose state for six day's, She's being operated today but only the adults and the two main cousin's are there... And then problem's that are the same as last year. New huge problems are here too and stuff... and it's just before my Mid-Term paper... Deja vu...

You know sometimes being with friends would be the most happiest moments in your life... Sharing your feelings and emotions instead of keeping them in is so much better. Like wise your friends want to help. Being all alone in the boundary you built yourself in to keep you in, to keep him out also keep us out. And all we can do is watch you from afar, seeing you suffer, and it pains us so to see this. Pain's us to see you locking yourself like this, seeing you shed tears again and again. Best part is, your friends feel hopeless not being able to do anything for you, all those smile of yours, They were just to make us feel better?... I really don't know... I can't and don't want to see you like this. It's not fair is it? It's not your fault, I really have no idea what to do, and I ask. Why is this world so unfair... It's too unfair... You prayed so hard, not only for yourself but all your best friend's... It's our turn to do something for you... A change... We all want to see you stand up again, open your door and let us in... Don't be like this... You got to be more positive... Who am I to say?... I used to be like this too and I know it's hard to change, but nothing is impossible right? So I should pray for you, that you would find someone who appreciates you, and I shall pray for that particular person to surface in your life, and that may the person comes as soon as possible... So we all can finally see you return to your true formal self.

Dedicated to a friend, a close one indeed. G

Frankly speaking life's not sailing smooth these day's... as I always quote "one by one" sure... It happened... Believe it or not... One by one all of us are going through difficulties... Not me... The lot of us... The 14 of us in a clique... And it came one by one... It's really... Hard... And I can't do anything... Best part is... Deja vu... It happened just before our mid-years/mid-terms papers... Just like... sometime back then... One by one all will fall... Special people like Raphael, Karin Danna, the two Sempai's, my precious Gemini, Tiffany my best friend, Those who have been busy trying to help the Sempai's like Mitsukake Sempai, Hatori, Raiga and Bobbi, Most importantly Danna... I really don't know what to say... I went to school early, sneak out of school to wait for Gemini on Thursday downstairs her block... I was worried for her... I came to school found the person I wanted to find for and when I saw her... it felt like I've been shot at... There Danna was sitting down, she look... lifeless... it seems she never slept well the day before... I bend down to talk to her, her voice merely a whisper... I can't do much about Raphael... That's little frustrating... Because well I can't do anything... Just hope he's fine... Tiffany, was understanding, talking to her always made me felt relief, she's always there for me and stuff, (she really knows how to make me tell her what's wrong haha!), and well we share common interest, STACY too!, and so well yeah... I really can't wait to have outing's soon... I'm gonna KIDNAP someone soon... Haha... It's for a special reason... That's if I'm able to actually outsmart some people... Or I'll just go along with her family... I don't really mind... WE REALLY NEED TO PLAN AN OUTING TO GET OUR MIND OFF THING'S... Soon... Note that I'm actually doing very well in controlling my emotions when it comes to you know... anger... Maybe it's because of someones influence (AHAH)

Gemini,
Don't be like this please?... Take it as a plea, I don't want to see you like this neither do we all want to see you like this. Please?

Karin Danna,
I hope to see you back to your normal self... I promise to get you more bars of chocolate's, your favourite chocolate...

Tiffany,
Thank you so much, Can't wait for your holiday's... Let's take pictures on our phone's together, You, Stacy and me... Just like our Display pictures... Promise, do try not to strain yourself and don't worry. Thanks for your congrats on your blog that is shared with Stacy. Thank you so much. <3.

Sempai's,
I don't know if you both are going to read this, but I really hope the both of you clear things up and return to both your usual self's. I really hope that you both can do it...

Lastly... Raphael,
I just realised yesterday... That I never once told you specifically those three word's, and it was always you saying it and calling me those... nice words... really nice... So then yeah... I did say that eventually yesterday... It just happened to pop in my mind... So well... as hard as I've been trying to tell you... I actually did yesterday... (Gemini understands why and stuff... About it being hard for me to tell you...) So Yeah... Don't drink to much... Love you Raphael...

Love,
Rainie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNor0A4A4iU- 10 flower Lady

I've been having sleepless nights... I'm sick but still went to school... Jeandora (Jeanny) talk to me about some stuff which kinda hurt... Not her fault... She told me that it might hurt before she said it... So I was more or less prepared... Well she has her own perception... I don't blame her... But it's troubling me, Victoria heard about it... She said well it depends and stuff... Well they are both right and wrong in a way... I think... The exam's are around the corner... I studied six hours straight on Saturday... Still rushing through my stuff... I don't have time to get presents, be it drawing for the time being... My momma will rip it up if she sees me drawing at a time like this... Critical... I screwed up a computer somewhere... The time... To play Hotel 626... But before I can even start playing I had to go for something... I can't play on my computer... I need to break through all the pop-up's and firewalls... Will do it soon... But I won't want to play it alone... No way... Of course I'll be playing it with some friends... Impossible to play it with the person I want to though... But well...  Okay... I'm not going to camp!... No no no... Never... I hate camps... I'd rather stay at home and face my parents then to go to camp... Will try to come on tonight though... Yup...

Trust me all I wanted was someone to be by my side to hide me from my fear's. But one of my fear's gotta do with the person I want to be with... Unperfected would be me

So the day went past... Went back to the main house... I'm not going for tomorrow's tournament against SAS in woodlands... Not Jurong x.x... Saddening... My wrist still hurts... The left one... Tomb sweeping day... Compulsory to go back... At least this trip was not wasted... I found out some stuff about my family's background, my ancestors and stuff... It seems that what I thought can actually be true... about my background I don't really bother much... So yup... Talked to Bobbi since 8 plus... It's 11 now... Found out other stuff... Still working on my school's project... Panicking... My partner and I chose a few countries... Africa, France, Germany and lastly Japan... Yup... I'm asking for help though... Victoria chose Africa and Germany and so I chose the last two... And so... Life was boring... maybe until the end... Yeap... Nothing more nothing less...

Picture of today...

I was over at Danna's house today... She called Raiga and Mitsukake Sempai... Raiga was playing football then... And the ball hit his face... Better then crashing into a tree... But are you okay Raiga?! You ought to be careful... Danna wanted to hang up before something happens to you... But you got hit even before she said bye and there was silence... And then she laughed when you explained you got hit in the face with the ball... Mitsukake Sempai!!! Your tournament was good!!! How can you say it was close when the score was 44-22 or something? Badminton is to play because you love it... Not the score... No matter how bad you play as long as you play because you enjoy it then you will be good at it... Yup... Today I recieved letter from Big brother in the morning (Siblings special way)... He was talking about me and Kea... And Gemini JUST HAD to read out the letter out loud... One part of it... Then Kea messaged... Gemini read it all out... They burst into a fit of laughter while I started blushing... x.x Thats all... HEHE... Yup... Feel the same way too Raphael... And I don't think I need to tell you that because I know, you know how I feel about you...

maybe I never realised it earlier... I should have... and so please I'm begging you. It's me isn't it?... when I was there... G kept encouraging me about telling you... T does also... Both are great best friends to me... on that night I wondered why M cried... And the thought suddenly strucked me that maybe she loves you... I'm sorry... No reason for her to cry without a reason right?... So I kept it for myself... Is it because of me?... I asked T... she told me no it's not me... Maybe other's really hoped you chose her and not me... I'm not sure... I heard that some were shocked... Some said and hope that you made a right choice... I don't know really... Maybe you should rethink this... Maybe M is better... I'm not sure... I can just hope that she's fine... You are fine and stuff... Maybe she needs your care more... I'm not sure... really... but I would never doubt you... I don't know if this would turn out better... I hope it does... Because I'm filled with pure guilt... I'm so sorry M... I'm so sorry to those who did not expect it would turn up to be like this... I'm so sorry RMK... I'll wait for when you sorted it out...

"I always hated this
Kind of triangle relationship
Now when i actually have you
There would be another party sad...
It's inevitable...
I'm feeling guilty..."

"A week after April fool's day, no jokes allowed"

Yesterday I got chased out of msn (not really chased... more of obeying) by Tiffany... She does not want me to sleep so late because I have school the next day... I woke up like 3 times that night... Receive an message from a friend who thought I was angry at her at 6... Then I was thinking... Was it that so obvious that I've been moody and down the past few day's that everyone around me thinks that they had done something wrong?... Fell asleep again...  Woke up at 7 from a fairytale... went to school... (I laugh and smiled alot today... Thanks to a promise I made) Then well... My friend's were happy to see me smile and laugh as usual... They joked alot... Ask if they did anything wrong... Shaked my head and said nope... And I thought I could be sad all I want keeping silent and faking a smile without pulling people down... Well I never knew they could sense it... Most of the time I was the one reading people's emotions... Not they... Kinda weird to be the one read and not the reader... I swear I'm becoming more playful... I can't believe it too... I suggested to the IT moniters to play around with the visualizer... Andd well it was so funny during class that all of us were laughing... I heard some 3/5 girl went to talk to our class teacher about how noisy our class is during classes... Well not all are playful... Maybe the twins... Yup... Though I know who it is I'm not gonna say... mhmm... That's it. Tomorrow I'm going to study, I can't keep playing around... Yup... 

201 post is dedicated to this day...
I feeling really happy
I shall smile more... That's cause I'm relieve...
I really am...
With love, Rain.

I've been bothered recently that I don't know that I've became so much readable... I've been so deep in my thoughts that I did not know that people are actually looking at me in class, until someone told me... I've been going to breaks alone... Alot of people are trying to cheer me up... The two Mel's are amusingly funny... They do have some way to keep me distracted... Jeanny... You are not really helping you know... At first I was worried that I did something wrong yesterday because I just felt like I did... And this morning when Danna and I took off for the cafe I realised no she's not angry at me... We talk about stuff... If you want to know why I kept "it" from you Danna feel free to ask... I had my reasons... I was going to tell you soon anyway... I guess some other's are still angry at me too... I'm sorry... You can't rant if you want?... Tiffany has been talking to me about stuff... We both share the love for Korean songs, food and many other's... I must Thank her for doing alot to cheer me up... I'm happy to have her to talk to... Her encouragement and stuff... Same goes to Danna too... And Gemini... And more... Victoria messaged me this "Hoi cheer up little gobler! What a bright day today!" and then later "It's written on your face gob gob! Wanna buy a bottle and cut half the price and make stars? A wish bottle filled with stars?" And then later she started planning out a list of things the both of us can do together... Hunt for seashells, enjoy the crashing waves, cycling, origami, paper cranes... Tiffany planned stuff for me to do also with her, Stacy, Cloe, she's going to sneak me in her dorm, bake, shop and more stuffs. Good Friday is reaching... I'm not a christian or anything but it's influence from Danna and well yeah... Happens to be tomb sweeping day too... Wilson is spending most of his holiday's with me... The when I'm with him... It's kinda weird... He's smiling alot more lately... And it's reliving that he's smiling alot because he used to lock inside his room and study... Well not usual that he would smile... More of the quiet side... But he's talking more... Well it's nice to see people smile it really does...

But with the people around me

I feel happy... Just something missing"

I finished my classes... Surprisingly I keep listening to the same song over and over again... It's a song with actors from a show... Over and over again I ask myself a few questions... Again and again... Thinking the same thoughts over and over again... The question's are not about me, It's not only about you, but it's also about a few people... Again and again I asked myself if I was making a mistake... If i did something wrong... Should I had chosen another path... Will I do something against my feelings just to help a dying men... Am I able to turn to my feelings and go against it... Should I have done this then to do that... Why am I losing hope again and again... Will it rain soon?... I really have an urge to walk in it again... Why is it that your picture fills that empty photo frame when it's empty? Picture in my head... Why am I doodling on this paper... Will I know what my world was like without... Did I do wrong for not telling you about this earlier... I had my reasons... would I still want to tell you to stay in the end? why is it that these things happen?... I'm trying my best to heal some unhealed wounds... Life without meaning... maybe distancing myself from the people I love would help... That smile or craziness... laughing at my own foolishness and stupidity... would it actually matter if I smiled like i mean it... I'm already giving up... Too weak... I'm so sorry Tiffany... Maybe this would be my last for the time being if it actually happens... Just for the time being... Settling myself for the nightmare that might come true... And... I'll see the world in black and white again...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXcRSEkw3pI&feature=related

I Don't Want Just Anyone's Hug.♥ 3:53 AM.

"Rain drops fall from everywhere
I reach out for you
But you are not there
So I stood waiting in the dark
With your picture in my head
Story of a broken heart
Stay with me
Don't let me go
Because I can't be without you
Just stay with me
And hold me close
Because I build my world around you
And I don't want to know what it's it like without you
So stay with me
Just stay with me

I'm trying and hoping for the day
And one touch is enough to take the pain away
Cause I search for so long
The answer was clear..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxLt2fAT-6E


-Thoughts that bother me-
Time Heals all wounds... How sure can you be about that?... You are trying to do this right here... You are telling me what's right for me... You think I have not thought about this?... You don't wanna be with me?... "No"...

Maybe the answer is clear... Maybe I don't want to know the answer... I don't want to know what's it like without you... I avoided the obvious... The clear obvious... I tried to think it was pure coincidence... It was a mistake... Made use?... I agree... I made a mistake... Not telling you much about how I really felt... I wrote it down... And burned it... Kept the picture and burned the letter... Why?... I was afraid... Will you still think about it?
I really have no idea
And like deja vu... I was told to give it a shot... Dreams more like nightmare seeing you walk away... Sweet dreams that last for a few seconds and change the scenario in to a dark forested area... Walking alone in what seemed forever before hitting something or tripping over my own shoe laces... And that fall would make me feel human enough to feel the pain

Lying on the hospital in what seem impossible after being hit by a car and still alive, seeing unfamiliar faces before passing out and waking up, blur pictures past by imagine you walking in the streets... Calling out your name... Hearing you sing Spanish lullaby's... Watching you walk away... Friends telling me have faith... It never works out... Looking in the sky... Wondering what are you doing... Good bye my hopeless dreams... Why don't you just say it for real... Let me fall and hit the ground... To the ocean and count the birds... Walk the streets and see the lights... By myself... Don't fret... I'm used to it... Far away... I'd still would wish you happiness...

Time heals all wounds
For me... I don't know...
I get distracted easily...
So it's okay...

The last time someone told me to wait... Said he will think about it... I waited for half a year... And nothing came out of the waiting... It's true... Nothing... So I'm more or less afraid now... afraid of waiting when I'm not sure what's going to happen... I'm not like other girl's I'm sorry... I mean like when they like someone... They go all the way... Like you know... I don't know... And I don't even know what to do... They are not afraid to show it... I am afraid to show it... Bad experience... Failed twice you see... So this would be the third... And well yeah... The third time I fell for someone... In my life... Yup... Maybe I'm not as lucky as others...

And so it's done... well... I'm ready to flag the flag... This is going to fail again right?... Like the rest... I'm new at it... I'm sorry... Maybe I did it wrongly? I'm not sure...

-Side Stories- (Thoughts that swim in my head)

When what you never ever dream of ever happening, happens... When what you expected not to fall, fall... When what you thought that you would not lose that much, actually lose way more then what you thought... When time time comes, would you still continue believing? Would you choose to still believe when in hope when the time comes? More or less it's more like I'm being played around with like a toy... Like giving a hungry child bread, and the child takes it... Before the child eats it... You snatch it back... Some random person pops up and hurt your friend... What can you do? A friend who might be going to another country, what can you do about it? Someone you hope to be happy, and have no idea how the person is, what can you do? Being stucked with no Internet and quite alone, what can you do? By then one by one everything falls apart... Would one choose to still believe in hope and miracles?...

You were there as a passer-by/ as a friend to your friend in need... You see, an outsider has a thinking of it's own... And it's not one of your friends in it... It's two of them and some guy you seriously hate... More or less... A girl and two other people... You side with the girl who is your friend... Like any other friend would... But unknowingly that you, the outsider actually got into something like this, something like what your friend has gotten into in... What will you do about it? Runaway or just be ruthless? Or you can be kind... Will you have the mind of thoughts in your head when you are still the outsider then? And deal it with the mind when you were an outsider with this problem that someone or you yourself gotten into? Be fair

When thinking of someone hurts, and not thinking of them hurts too... Would you still think? Or not to think? When worrying actually pulls you down and not worrying makes you feel guilty... Would you worry? Or not to worry?  When a choice of starting a new life at somewhere else is given to you it's very tempting, but to do that actually means to put down everything you have now.... What will you choose? If dream's do  come true would you want it to come true even when it's a bad dream? When you want to runaway but you can't because in the end you would get back to the same neighbourhood, pass the same gates, pass by the same environment and through the same door, what's the point of even running away? If loving someone means not intruding into their life's by not having to get frustrated and even to the point hurt them... Why let the person know your feelings in the first place? I'd rather keep it to myself...

-End of unsorted thoughts-

Designer: ForThe!Wonder
Tabling Codes: darkdegree
Icons: In-Lockdown & Sealedcards
Font: Tall Films
Stripe Pattern: Mintyferret
Inspiration: Love-notes.org