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Saturday, May 23, 2009 at 9:26 PM
When everything is going wrong, what should I do? Heck... I'm losing my sanity... I don't know for sure now, who loves me who does not. Believe it or not. I can't tell apart now... It's very distressing... But then I really can't be sure. I was screaming at my head, brain and heart. I even misspelled BRAIN!!! My head hurts, my heart is in a mess... I'm so lost... I tried to relate who's different and who are those who are just like my family. I've been down lately... My family is messing with my heart. It's just very painful and I don't know what to expect anymore. They can say one thing at this moment and at the next moment wage a cold war with me. So I am really starting to doubt everyone around me. And Tiffany was telling me, that this isn't a very good sign... I mean, going through this again and again, which normal person won't start to doubt not only their family but also their love ones and friends. I need assurance... Just yesterday, I told myself to not doubt anyone whom I love... This morning I asked myself "I'm still alive eh? Drat..." and I'm starting to doubt all over again... After yesterday, thinking through what Kim said... I still doubt it... Not doubt Kim, but something else... I don't wish to doubt people... I'm so sorry... I can't help it... They are manipulating my mind along with my feelings... My household just shattered all my trust I had for my friends and love ones... They shattered it so easily... All they need to do was just a snap of their fingers and all the trust is gone, leaving me all alone without nothing... I'm hurting so much. Yet some people, they UNDERSTAND. I don't get it! After how much I ranted at them how much I shout at them, they go "something is up, what's wrong?", "it's okay, I understand", "talk it out, it will help", "don't bottle things up" and I start feeling so bad... It hurts so bad... I'm treating them like this, yet they have been so kind to me... I don't want to doubt them... All of them... Especially not him... But how can I not, when I know that my household that plays fairly a big part in my life, is playing with me, I'm not a toy... I'm not... Just say it in my face. Tell me what you feel about me, and I shall just accept it, and see how it goes, I don't want to doubt people anymore, it hurts so badly and it's so tiring, I want to give in. Give in to what? Give up on my life... I'm so tired of playing this game... I'm so sorry... I'm so tempted... To tell my parents this "momma, papa, I give in... Do what you want with me... I'll quit playing the sport I love best, I'll do what ever you want, maybe it's time... We leave this place again... Just do your worst... I'm ready... Ship me in a crate to the end of the other side of the world, please?" "And all I really want now is you, I just want to be in your hands. Just stay in your arms for hours, and slowly drift to sleep in your arms, I'm so tired... I really am, I have not been sleeping well for a very long time, make the nightmares stop, please?"
To You I'd Be Always Faithful.♥ 9:26 PM.
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